The Battle is Over

My ex husband and I argued a lot after we got married. I mean fought like mountain goats bashing their heads until one finally gives up. I hate drama and I absolutely hate arguing. However, when it's an issue I feel very strongly about I will defend it to the death. That marriage damn near killed me. We had many good times and lots of laughs. He has many wonderful qualities and really is an exceptional man with a good heart (most of the time). It's just the bad qualities were so bad that I couldn't ignore it any longer.

My grandmother used to tell me to be careful of getting married. She always said, they act one way but as soon as that ring goes on your finger they change. I remember thinking, why would someone change? How can a ring change how you feel, how you behave, or how you think? I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. You know the old lady had something there. Maybe I have yet to really learn that lesson because I still think that's ridiculous. I didn't change. No piece of paper or ring would or had changed me. I guess I don't get it. I cannot wrap my mind around that concept. I think I just got unlucky on that one. Every man can't be like that. It just can't be. Can it? He knew what I did long before we even dated. He knew exactly what he was getting. It seems like as soon as I said, "I do" the battle for my soul began. He immediately had issues with my whole lifestyle. It was a huge slap in the face because I had no idea. He hated me promoting and touring. He didn't like my real estate endeavors. He didn't like my other creative sides either. I always had to explain myself. It got to the point I stopped drawing and painting because I didn't want to have to explain myself or have an argument. You know how I would know if what I was writing was up to par, if I was on the right track? When he read the manuscript he'd look up and say, "What kind of f' *in' story is this anyway?" Yup, right on track!! How sad is that? He would always ask me, why am I so dark? I'm not exactly sure what he was referring to (always dark how) and he really couldn't give me a straight answer but that was just one story. Yet, darkness is all he ever seen. It's kinda hard to be light and fluffy when the man you loved is always putting down your work. He never did understand me. He didn't like most of my friends. Not because he truly didn't like them. Because if he wasn't around what might be going on? He was so insecure. I thought in time he'd see there was nothing to worry about. I thought over time he would see that I could be trusted and his insecurities were his and had nothing to do with me. I could never make him see it, for what it was. I didn't even know he had insecurity issues until after we got married. That isn't right. I should have known all these things. He hid all of that from me until after we got married. If I had known, I would have never married him. I would have squashed that shit before it ever got started.

The first time I took him on the road with me is what killed it. You know me, I'm the same way with my man around as I am when they are not around. There is nothing I won't do or say with them standing right there that I wouldn't do otherwise. If you can't do it with your man standing there you shouldn't be doing it. It's quite simple really. But you think I could get that through his head? We come from two different worlds. He would always say to me, "I see what goes on when I'm there, so I can imagine what goes on when I'm not there". He never believed me, when I told him, that is was the same. I remember one time one of the guys had plenty to drink and decided I was getting a lap dance. I didn't know I was going to get a lap dance. He was so mad at me. He said, I just let him. Well, yeah I just let him. I was getting a lap dance whether I wanted one or not. It's not like he was naked or anything. Fully clothed and all. It was all just in fun anyhow. He was right there, if he didn't like it why didn't he stop it? I said to him, "oh, you want a hot ass lap dance"? "I'll hook it up for ya honey". Trying to lighten it up a little. He got even madder than before. Damn it, two different worlds I tell ya.

Our honeymoon is prime example. Were in the Jacuzzi tub after drinking several bottles of wine and he asks me if I still love my ex boyfriend. Let me tell you, an honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble. I said, I wasn't in love with him anymore but yes I still loved him. He was so damn pissed off. I honestly still don't understand what the big deal is. It's kind of hard to spend that much time with someone and not love them. How do you spend that much time with someone, share all the things you share and not have any love for them? It's not like I think about him. I'm not in love with any of my ex's but I still have love for them. Once again, I only make sense to myself. Why would you ask me that kind of question on your honeymoon? Damn it people, for him and for anybody else that hasn't figured it out yet. Make sure you really want my answer before you ask. I'm very good at skirting around issues that are uncomfortable for me. When I say, "I don't want to talk about it". It's not that I don't wanna talk about it. It's I'm not sure how I feel therefore I don't wanna talk about it, until I'm ready to talk about it. I need to disect it, pull it apart and examine every detail. Only then can I put the pieces back together in the right order and know how I feel and where I stand on an issue. For me, every coin has four sides. Nothing is ever easy for me because I see to many sides. Don't ask me, if your afraid of what I might say. I look at this way. If someone is asking, either they really want to know, or they already know and just want you to confirm. If I'm asked a question, I'll give an honest answer even if it is uncomfortable. I'm a "it is, what it is" kind of girl. Take it or leave it....

He rarely got mad at me for something I did. It was usually what someone else did or said. I can't control what others say and do. He said, the only reason why things didn't get out of hand was because you guys are afraid of me. Afraid of me? Little ole' me? I've never threatened anyone in my life. Ok, other than the PI that I thought was a stalker. He's just lucky I didn't nail his balls to a tree. He always thought everybody wanted to sleep with me. He said I was naive and just didn't get it. He thought someone would come along and steal me away from him. It didn't matter how much I reassured him that I chose him and he was all I wanted and needed and that nothing like that would happen. Once someone has my heart, it's theirs.When I have love for someone I'm so damn blind. I cannot see past the one who has my heart. I will put that man on a pedestal and give him all of me. Body, mind, and spirit. He should have been watering the flowers instead of plucking the petals.....

I don't give a damn what they do as long as their faithful, use common sense, and don't do anything morally messed up, it's all good. I say, let your freak flag fly. I really don't give a damn. He always took my ways, as I didn't care. I did care. I don't know how else to be. I'm not a jealous person. Seems kind of pointless to get upset if there's nothing to get upset about. We've been in arguments just because I didn't get upset over something. That kind of shit is just annoying. I don't have much patience when it comes to stupid. I don't sweat the small stuff. If I don't like something I will say something. It's in private, short, to the point, and forgotten about as quick as it started. I don't hold onto things. I get over it pretty quickly. I don't put much emphasis on drama. It's a waste of time and energy. That's how I see it. You either get it or you don't. If they don't get it maybe you shouldn't be together. If something is going on and I don't like it, I'll put a stop to it. Right then and there. Your not going to hear a bunch of static over it either. He would go on for what seemed like forever over the dumbest stuff. Sometimes he'd go on for days depending on how upset he was. I can't deal with that crap. I'd pack up some stuff and take off for a few days. When I'd return back home he was a peach until the next episode. I don't do well with crazy. It will take me about 10 - 30 seconds to say whatever I gotta say, and that's it. I'm done. You want to talk? Fine. But I'm not arguing with anybody. You can argue with yourself. I'm easy going, it's hard to get me ruffled unless you mess with my sanctuary. After listening to that crap for hours, I would think to myself; I have a bottle just for this occasion. I'll either drink it or use it as a blunt instrument.....

I tried for a long time, to be patient and show him I could be trusted. I've never once screwed up, yet I never felt like he trusted me. Sometimes I would break down and cry. Knowing that nothing I could say or do would ever change the fact he really didn't trust me. Even if it was unwarranted. None of the guys owe him any loyalty. I did, he had my loyalty. I didn't give a damn if he trusted them or not. I was the one that counted. Trust is a huge issue for me. It's the nuts and bolts of everything. I must be able to trust whoever I'm with and they must be able to trust me. Otherwise, what's the point? He would say, it wasn't me he didn't trust. It was everybody else. I didn't quite get that. How can you say you trust me yet not have any faith that I will handle any situation that may come up appropriately. It never made any difference in my mind, when he would tell me that because it didn't make any sense. Sounded like a pacifier to me.....

If I chose to date someone I will trust them whole heartedly until I have a reason not to. I have a girlfriend that absolutely does not trust her boyfriend. I won't name anybody as usual. I don't know how she does it. It would drive me crazy. The first time I feel the need to keep tabs on a man, it would be over. No trust and I'm done. It doesn't matter how much it hurts, or how much I may want to hold on. If trust is gone, get sad, get mad, and get the hell over it. I'd squash that shit without batting a lash and just like that it would be over and I'd move on. I could not handle feeling the need to ease drop on conversations, or watching everything they do, or driving around trying to find them, or checking there texts, e-mail or whatever it is you gals do. That's insane and completely messed up and I can't believe you waste your time on such. It sounds draining and a lot of stinkin' work. For what? Seems to me you'd want more for yourself. If you really put such a small value upon yourself, rest assure that no man will raise the price. Get out of the confusion, see through the illusion and find out what's important to you.

I'm not judging anybody. I'm in no position to play judge. I stayed in a relationship where I was the one not trusted. I thought I could change it, I thought I could fix it, I thought in time I'd prove myself and everything would work itself out. I was so ignorant to think I could change anything. What the hell was I thinking. Trust is trust and it swings both ways. Another tuff lesson I had to learn. I don't say things I don't mean out of anger or frustration. When someone is talking to me, I listen. I believe whatever said, to be how one truly feels. He called me a trophy wife. That was the straw that broke the camels back. After all the BS, I had been through trying to make our marriage work and make him happy. I almost lost myself. I almost gave up everything. For what? To be reduced to a trophy wife? I don't think so. That's what it took for me to draw the line. It was just a matter of time anyway. I felt like I was drowning faster than I could swim. I tried to plant the seed in his head to leave me many times. I wanted it to be his idea. My illusion of the sacred "ever after" kept me bound. Marriage is suppose to be forever and I didn't want to be the one to walk away. I don't think he would have ever left me. I don't think any of them would have ever left. Why do I always have to be the one to make the difficult life altering decisions. He said he didn't mean it. That he was just angry. It didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter if he meant it or not. I completely lost it. You have no idea how that went through me. It was like he just cut my heart out of my chest. It broke my heart. I told him it was over and I was leaving. He was still angry and said, "go ahead and leave". "I'll just find you and bring your ass back home". He had always said, he really didn't know me. He really didn't. He taught me not to allow him to "really" know me. So he's going to find me and bring my ass back home huh? That's what he thought. Nobody's going to find me unless I want to be found. I walked out the door with two suitcases and fled to Honduras. I studied culture, studied the Mayans, wrote and cried a lot. I went to the last place I thought anybody would think to look. You weren't going to find me at my parents house, or any of my friends house, or any of the festivals, concerts, or on any tour bus. I was so heart broken and mad. It took all of those six weeks to get my head together and get over it. I didn't want to come back with a big chip on my shoulder. I didn't want to come back sad either. I came back cold as ice. My heart didn't belong to him anymore. I was emotionless, numb, with a heart of ice. That's not good either but I ran out of time. Had to come back at some point. I would have been down there for over a year if I waited for my heart to thaw. I wanted to be done with him and move on as quickly as possible without incident. You know once my mind is made up, that's it. Might as well be penned in blood.

When my old boyfriend pissed me off with his lying and cheating. After he left to go tour, I packed my stuff and moved to NYC. I moved to the other coast. From Cali to NY. As far away from him as I could get and still be in the country. Then of course there's my move to Arizona, Seattle, and Germany too. I can do my thing, make a decent living, and be me, where ever I choose to live. That has never been a problem. I have a tendency when things get so bad there's no point of return. I burn everything to the ground. Set it on fire and watch it all burn. It's all part of the process. Death, renewal, and rebirth. It a means to an end. It's a new beginning, a fresh start. I guess I have taught you all to be fearful of me fleeing if I get a bug up my ass. For that, I am truly sorry. I have a restless spirit. I welcome new experiences. I love to learn new things and live in new places. I could never consent to creep when I feel the impulse to soar....

I'm the great lover and the great destroyer. I used to laugh at that but I suppose the more I think about it. It's pretty accurate. When I'm in love It's all passions fire. I'll wrap myself around their soul, caress it, and make love to it. I'll build it up. Nurture and support it. Water it and tend to it everyday with all I have. I take great pleasure in pleasing my mate. I'll hold on until it bleeds. Once my illusion has been destroyed I'll burn it all to the ground. Just watch it burn. The castle, the copse, the gardens, the flowers and the trees. It all goes up in flame. I will stand there in the middle of what used to my kingdom. I am the Queen of these barren lands. I stand still like the mountain and flow like a great river. As I look around at the destruction, I weep. My fire will drown out the rain. I see, the smoke and ash. It is all black and charred. There is no beauty here anymore. It smells of death. The taste of ash is so heavy it dries my mouth to utter silence. I'm cold and emotionally unavailable. I feel nothing, just a strange kind of nothing, where it used to be me......