The Battle is Over

My ex husband and I argued a lot after we got married. I mean fought like mountain goats bashing their heads until one finally gives up. I hate drama and I absolutely hate arguing. However, when it's an issue I feel very strongly about I will defend it to the death. That marriage damn near killed me. We had many good times and lots of laughs. He has many wonderful qualities and really is an exceptional man with a good heart (most of the time). It's just the bad qualities were so bad that I couldn't ignore it any longer.

My grandmother used to tell me to be careful of getting married. She always said, they act one way but as soon as that ring goes on your finger they change. I remember thinking, why would someone change? How can a ring change how you feel, how you behave, or how you think? I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. You know the old lady had something there. Maybe I have yet to really learn that lesson because I still think that's ridiculous. I didn't change. No piece of paper or ring would or had changed me. I guess I don't get it. I cannot wrap my mind around that concept. I think I just got unlucky on that one. Every man can't be like that. It just can't be. Can it? He knew what I did long before we even dated. He knew exactly what he was getting. It seems like as soon as I said, "I do" the battle for my soul began. He immediately had issues with my whole lifestyle. It was a huge slap in the face because I had no idea. He hated me promoting and touring. He didn't like my real estate endeavors. He didn't like my other creative sides either. I always had to explain myself. It got to the point I stopped drawing and painting because I didn't want to have to explain myself or have an argument. You know how I would know if what I was writing was up to par, if I was on the right track? When he read the manuscript he'd look up and say, "What kind of f' *in' story is this anyway?" Yup, right on track!! How sad is that? He would always ask me, why am I so dark? I'm not exactly sure what he was referring to (always dark how) and he really couldn't give me a straight answer but that was just one story. Yet, darkness is all he ever seen. It's kinda hard to be light and fluffy when the man you loved is always putting down your work. He never did understand me. He didn't like most of my friends. Not because he truly didn't like them. Because if he wasn't around what might be going on? He was so insecure. I thought in time he'd see there was nothing to worry about. I thought over time he would see that I could be trusted and his insecurities were his and had nothing to do with me. I could never make him see it, for what it was. I didn't even know he had insecurity issues until after we got married. That isn't right. I should have known all these things. He hid all of that from me until after we got married. If I had known, I would have never married him. I would have squashed that shit before it ever got started.

The first time I took him on the road with me is what killed it. You know me, I'm the same way with my man around as I am when they are not around. There is nothing I won't do or say with them standing right there that I wouldn't do otherwise. If you can't do it with your man standing there you shouldn't be doing it. It's quite simple really. But you think I could get that through his head? We come from two different worlds. He would always say to me, "I see what goes on when I'm there, so I can imagine what goes on when I'm not there". He never believed me, when I told him, that is was the same. I remember one time one of the guys had plenty to drink and decided I was getting a lap dance. I didn't know I was going to get a lap dance. He was so mad at me. He said, I just let him. Well, yeah I just let him. I was getting a lap dance whether I wanted one or not. It's not like he was naked or anything. Fully clothed and all. It was all just in fun anyhow. He was right there, if he didn't like it why didn't he stop it? I said to him, "oh, you want a hot ass lap dance"? "I'll hook it up for ya honey". Trying to lighten it up a little. He got even madder than before. Damn it, two different worlds I tell ya.

Our honeymoon is prime example. Were in the Jacuzzi tub after drinking several bottles of wine and he asks me if I still love my ex boyfriend. Let me tell you, an honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble. I said, I wasn't in love with him anymore but yes I still loved him. He was so damn pissed off. I honestly still don't understand what the big deal is. It's kind of hard to spend that much time with someone and not love them. How do you spend that much time with someone, share all the things you share and not have any love for them? It's not like I think about him. I'm not in love with any of my ex's but I still have love for them. Once again, I only make sense to myself. Why would you ask me that kind of question on your honeymoon? Damn it people, for him and for anybody else that hasn't figured it out yet. Make sure you really want my answer before you ask. I'm very good at skirting around issues that are uncomfortable for me. When I say, "I don't want to talk about it". It's not that I don't wanna talk about it. It's I'm not sure how I feel therefore I don't wanna talk about it, until I'm ready to talk about it. I need to disect it, pull it apart and examine every detail. Only then can I put the pieces back together in the right order and know how I feel and where I stand on an issue. For me, every coin has four sides. Nothing is ever easy for me because I see to many sides. Don't ask me, if your afraid of what I might say. I look at this way. If someone is asking, either they really want to know, or they already know and just want you to confirm. If I'm asked a question, I'll give an honest answer even if it is uncomfortable. I'm a "it is, what it is" kind of girl. Take it or leave it....

He rarely got mad at me for something I did. It was usually what someone else did or said. I can't control what others say and do. He said, the only reason why things didn't get out of hand was because you guys are afraid of me. Afraid of me? Little ole' me? I've never threatened anyone in my life. Ok, other than the PI that I thought was a stalker. He's just lucky I didn't nail his balls to a tree. He always thought everybody wanted to sleep with me. He said I was naive and just didn't get it. He thought someone would come along and steal me away from him. It didn't matter how much I reassured him that I chose him and he was all I wanted and needed and that nothing like that would happen. Once someone has my heart, it's theirs.When I have love for someone I'm so damn blind. I cannot see past the one who has my heart. I will put that man on a pedestal and give him all of me. Body, mind, and spirit. He should have been watering the flowers instead of plucking the petals.....

I don't give a damn what they do as long as their faithful, use common sense, and don't do anything morally messed up, it's all good. I say, let your freak flag fly. I really don't give a damn. He always took my ways, as I didn't care. I did care. I don't know how else to be. I'm not a jealous person. Seems kind of pointless to get upset if there's nothing to get upset about. We've been in arguments just because I didn't get upset over something. That kind of shit is just annoying. I don't have much patience when it comes to stupid. I don't sweat the small stuff. If I don't like something I will say something. It's in private, short, to the point, and forgotten about as quick as it started. I don't hold onto things. I get over it pretty quickly. I don't put much emphasis on drama. It's a waste of time and energy. That's how I see it. You either get it or you don't. If they don't get it maybe you shouldn't be together. If something is going on and I don't like it, I'll put a stop to it. Right then and there. Your not going to hear a bunch of static over it either. He would go on for what seemed like forever over the dumbest stuff. Sometimes he'd go on for days depending on how upset he was. I can't deal with that crap. I'd pack up some stuff and take off for a few days. When I'd return back home he was a peach until the next episode. I don't do well with crazy. It will take me about 10 - 30 seconds to say whatever I gotta say, and that's it. I'm done. You want to talk? Fine. But I'm not arguing with anybody. You can argue with yourself. I'm easy going, it's hard to get me ruffled unless you mess with my sanctuary. After listening to that crap for hours, I would think to myself; I have a bottle just for this occasion. I'll either drink it or use it as a blunt instrument.....

I tried for a long time, to be patient and show him I could be trusted. I've never once screwed up, yet I never felt like he trusted me. Sometimes I would break down and cry. Knowing that nothing I could say or do would ever change the fact he really didn't trust me. Even if it was unwarranted. None of the guys owe him any loyalty. I did, he had my loyalty. I didn't give a damn if he trusted them or not. I was the one that counted. Trust is a huge issue for me. It's the nuts and bolts of everything. I must be able to trust whoever I'm with and they must be able to trust me. Otherwise, what's the point? He would say, it wasn't me he didn't trust. It was everybody else. I didn't quite get that. How can you say you trust me yet not have any faith that I will handle any situation that may come up appropriately. It never made any difference in my mind, when he would tell me that because it didn't make any sense. Sounded like a pacifier to me.....

If I chose to date someone I will trust them whole heartedly until I have a reason not to. I have a girlfriend that absolutely does not trust her boyfriend. I won't name anybody as usual. I don't know how she does it. It would drive me crazy. The first time I feel the need to keep tabs on a man, it would be over. No trust and I'm done. It doesn't matter how much it hurts, or how much I may want to hold on. If trust is gone, get sad, get mad, and get the hell over it. I'd squash that shit without batting a lash and just like that it would be over and I'd move on. I could not handle feeling the need to ease drop on conversations, or watching everything they do, or driving around trying to find them, or checking there texts, e-mail or whatever it is you gals do. That's insane and completely messed up and I can't believe you waste your time on such. It sounds draining and a lot of stinkin' work. For what? Seems to me you'd want more for yourself. If you really put such a small value upon yourself, rest assure that no man will raise the price. Get out of the confusion, see through the illusion and find out what's important to you.

I'm not judging anybody. I'm in no position to play judge. I stayed in a relationship where I was the one not trusted. I thought I could change it, I thought I could fix it, I thought in time I'd prove myself and everything would work itself out. I was so ignorant to think I could change anything. What the hell was I thinking. Trust is trust and it swings both ways. Another tuff lesson I had to learn. I don't say things I don't mean out of anger or frustration. When someone is talking to me, I listen. I believe whatever said, to be how one truly feels. He called me a trophy wife. That was the straw that broke the camels back. After all the BS, I had been through trying to make our marriage work and make him happy. I almost lost myself. I almost gave up everything. For what? To be reduced to a trophy wife? I don't think so. That's what it took for me to draw the line. It was just a matter of time anyway. I felt like I was drowning faster than I could swim. I tried to plant the seed in his head to leave me many times. I wanted it to be his idea. My illusion of the sacred "ever after" kept me bound. Marriage is suppose to be forever and I didn't want to be the one to walk away. I don't think he would have ever left me. I don't think any of them would have ever left. Why do I always have to be the one to make the difficult life altering decisions. He said he didn't mean it. That he was just angry. It didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter if he meant it or not. I completely lost it. You have no idea how that went through me. It was like he just cut my heart out of my chest. It broke my heart. I told him it was over and I was leaving. He was still angry and said, "go ahead and leave". "I'll just find you and bring your ass back home". He had always said, he really didn't know me. He really didn't. He taught me not to allow him to "really" know me. So he's going to find me and bring my ass back home huh? That's what he thought. Nobody's going to find me unless I want to be found. I walked out the door with two suitcases and fled to Honduras. I studied culture, studied the Mayans, wrote and cried a lot. I went to the last place I thought anybody would think to look. You weren't going to find me at my parents house, or any of my friends house, or any of the festivals, concerts, or on any tour bus. I was so heart broken and mad. It took all of those six weeks to get my head together and get over it. I didn't want to come back with a big chip on my shoulder. I didn't want to come back sad either. I came back cold as ice. My heart didn't belong to him anymore. I was emotionless, numb, with a heart of ice. That's not good either but I ran out of time. Had to come back at some point. I would have been down there for over a year if I waited for my heart to thaw. I wanted to be done with him and move on as quickly as possible without incident. You know once my mind is made up, that's it. Might as well be penned in blood.

When my old boyfriend pissed me off with his lying and cheating. After he left to go tour, I packed my stuff and moved to NYC. I moved to the other coast. From Cali to NY. As far away from him as I could get and still be in the country. Then of course there's my move to Arizona, Seattle, and Germany too. I can do my thing, make a decent living, and be me, where ever I choose to live. That has never been a problem. I have a tendency when things get so bad there's no point of return. I burn everything to the ground. Set it on fire and watch it all burn. It's all part of the process. Death, renewal, and rebirth. It a means to an end. It's a new beginning, a fresh start. I guess I have taught you all to be fearful of me fleeing if I get a bug up my ass. For that, I am truly sorry. I have a restless spirit. I welcome new experiences. I love to learn new things and live in new places. I could never consent to creep when I feel the impulse to soar....

I'm the great lover and the great destroyer. I used to laugh at that but I suppose the more I think about it. It's pretty accurate. When I'm in love It's all passions fire. I'll wrap myself around their soul, caress it, and make love to it. I'll build it up. Nurture and support it. Water it and tend to it everyday with all I have. I take great pleasure in pleasing my mate. I'll hold on until it bleeds. Once my illusion has been destroyed I'll burn it all to the ground. Just watch it burn. The castle, the copse, the gardens, the flowers and the trees. It all goes up in flame. I will stand there in the middle of what used to my kingdom. I am the Queen of these barren lands. I stand still like the mountain and flow like a great river. As I look around at the destruction, I weep. My fire will drown out the rain. I see, the smoke and ash. It is all black and charred. There is no beauty here anymore. It smells of death. The taste of ash is so heavy it dries my mouth to utter silence. I'm cold and emotionally unavailable. I feel nothing, just a strange kind of nothing, where it used to be me......  

Oh Christmas Tree

 I decided to go cut my own Christmas tree. I wanted the biggest tree I could find. It's times like this that having a man around would be beneficial but since I don't have one of those I took a small chain saw and off I went. I suppose I didn't think it through very well cuz I cut a 20 foot tree then couldn't pick it up. I called one of my friends that lives close to the tree farm to help me but he couldn't pick it up either. In the end it took two men and myself to get that damn tree in the truck, then in the house. You should have seen them trying to net the tree. It was so big we couldn't push it though the net machine. Guess not to many people are in the market for 20 foot trees. When we got the tree in the house and untied the rope it popped open. Let me tell you that tree is a lot bigger inside than what it was outside. It's massive and takes up over a quarter of my living room. Glad I have a big living room otherwise it would only have a tree in it. Yesterday I watched all the coven kids along with a few others that don't live on the compound so the crew could go see Chris Cornell in Ann Arbor. I had a slumber party. What a great time I had with the kids!! The first thing we did was decorate the tree. Except I forgot to put the star on the tree before the guys stood it up and left. I thought I'd try to get the star on myself. It's difficult to put a star on a 20 foot tree that is almost as big around as it is tall. I thought with my flexibility and balance I can get the star on all by myself Arabesque style. Yeah, right..... I ended up ridding the Christmas tree down to the floor. That was a great laugh for all of us. You know when stuff like that happens, other stuff like oh shit, comes out of your mouth. I do try to be the best influence for the kids as possible. Danny says, "You can swear. My dad does it all the time". Hahaha (yeah, I know.) So then my big heavy tree was laying on it's side on my floor. I had to stand it back up, so I rigged a pulley system and hoisted that big ass tree back up. Yes, I can be very inventive when I need to be. The kids did a great job at decorating the tree. We played hide and seek. Which turned into hide, sneak up on someone, and scare the crap out of em'. We ate pizza, and made Carmel apples. Then I mentioned playing video games. Which turned into how bout we play Rock Band, which turned into Rock Band is only for people who really don't know how to rock!!! Hell Yeah, that's my girl. So, I took them all downstairs and we really rocked. We have some ridiculously talented kids. You can tell who their parents are, that's for sure. Hey, at least their being raised appropriately... Musically anyway {wink}.

I have a big bedroom that I turned into a huge walk in closet for all my costumes and stuff. I have enough stuff that anybody can play dress up at my house. The boys didn't really wanna play dress up but they did however say they'd like to see me in my cat woman outfit. What I wanna know is how do the boys even know I have a cat woman outfit? That outfit is still a hot topic several years later except I shouldn't be having that conversation with kids that are all under 10 yrs. old. Jayden professed his love to me before bed. He bought me a red wood rose with his allowance money that he gave to me while telling me how much he loves me. He wants to take me out on a date to Mc Donalds. He told me I was way to pretty to be single and that he will marry me when he is old enough. I told him, I was way to old for him and by the time he's old enough to marry I'd be an old lady. He then told me, he like's older woman and that's how he rolls..... Hahaha I kid you not and he's 7. Like I said, you can tell who their parents are. Sweet, cute as hell little Jayden. I just love that kid. He's pretty romantic for a 7 yr. old.  To bad he's not a least 25 - 35 yrs. older.....

 

A turn in the path

and there it stood

in a valley

in the middle of the woods.

 

A little old house

so pretty and quaint

with a multitude of colors

that didn't come from paint.

 

The window frames were chocolate

with meringue for the sills

pink candy tiles covered the roof

framed by the surrounding hills.

 

Cinnamon donuts were the bricks

that formed all the walls

piled one atop the other

'til they reached ten feet tall.

 

The heart shaped pond in front

was filled to the brim with coke

and rising from the chimney

was cotton candy smoke!!

 

I sampled sills and windows

bit off doorknobs with delight

I feasted on that house

'til I looked a sticky fright.

 

Then craving the cinnamon donuts

I pulled some from a wall

but to my horror it trembled

and slowly began to fall.

 

I threw up my hands in front of me

and awoke with a scream

the taste was still so strong in my mouth

yet it must have been a dream......

Mayhem Updates

Sorry I haven't been more entertaining this week. Kind of wiped after finishing revisions on my novella. Damn late night epiphanies. Making some changes that won't matter to you guys. Resubmitting by Friday. The novel is coming along. I'm having a harder time with this because the story has resonated in my mind for such a long time. No wonder many writers are alcoholics. Getting this involved with so many imaginary people will really screw with your mind (Ha). I'm thinking about posting a one chapter teaser for you guys. Not sure if that's a good idea or not. Guess I'll have to talk to my people and see what they say about that. A few months ago I wrote a piece called "Le Belle". Only a very select few got to read it. It's kinda personal and will never see print. It was something I wrote after a hot ass dream infused with my illusion of ever after. Inspiration at it's finest {wink}. Anyway, one of the select few that did read it was my editor which is also a very good friend. She shared it with another friend (unknowing to me) that is a publisher agent . I got a e-mail basically saying what a hot story and I need to start writing romance smut. That story is not in any way my typical subject matter. I've never written romance in my life nor have I ever felt the need to. Honestly, I don't know if I'm capable of writing a novel or novella of that magnitude. It takes a lot of passion to write romance. Some of you know where the inspiration came from. I'm afraid a story such as that is a one time thing. I don't have any other inspiration. So unless something major changes I don't see any romance coming from me......  

Got a lot of entries for the 2012 Heavy Weights Battle of the Bands. I've been spending a lot of time going through submissions and listening to tracks. I'm terribly critical when it comes to composition and quality in music. Most of these bands are SO difficult to listen to! My ears, my poor ears..... So far I only have two I'd even consider. At this rate there won't be a show......

One of the dancers took a nasty fall and twisted her ankle, tore a tendon or something. Since I know the choreography and performed in the show for several seasons, I was asked to step in until she heals from her injury. I wasn't planning on doing Nutcracker this year but my love for dance and theater I couldn't say no. So, I'll be performing in the "Nutcracker" ballet with the Chicago Sinfonietta until she heals from her injury. The month of December is going to be extremely busy for me now.


For those of you who are going to Metalfest in January. It will be a rippin' show. Brian and I booked some great bands for your listening pleasure. Have a great time! However, I will not be there. I will be somewhere on a mountain. Skiing, writing, eating, drinking, relaxing, with a little Mayhem on the side.......

The 2012 Mayhem festival is underway. Last year I had a lot going on and was unable to attend all the shows. I'll be behind the scenes, lurking in the shadows doing something somewhere but I will be on site at all 25 shows this coming year. 26 tour buses, 13 production trucks and over 20,000 screaming fans!!! John, Kevin, Dave, the rest of the Mayhem crew and I work very hard to make Mayhem Fest the best one ever and 2012 won't disappoint. I am personally disappointed because I really wanted to invite my favorite foreign band on this tour but I lost the battle. It's not over 2013 is coming up and I'm a hell of a squeaky wheel. At least we can all agree the music is fabulous. I guess more time to prepare for the next battle which I surely will win. On a lighter note: My good friend Spencer will be there with his band 5FDP. The remaining line up will be announced soon. So watch for my postings.

I'm in Chicago today recording 6 new episodes. Tune in for the hardest in your face metal station in Chicago. We'll be airing my interview with Danzig on December 10th. My interview with As I Lay Dying will air on the 17th. I'll be announcing how to win free tickets to the upcoming Rock Star Energy Mayhem Festival nearest you.

I'll be promoting some of our best local metal bands this week on Friday at Planet Rock. The crew from 97.9 will be there as well. Come down and watch a good show, meet the bands, and have drinks with yours truely. I'll have some cool stuff to give away and I'll be tending bar from 5 - 7pm. I've never bartended in my life, I really don't know what I'm doing, and I'm sure I'll be slow. But, if you come down I promise to make your drinks like I make mine. So damn strong you can barely stand it......

Bad Habits

Before I left on my journey I was lectured. I'm going to hash this out on my blog. I know not only do my friends read my blog but so does my mom and the rest of the family. I really can't argue with anything you both said. It's all true. Every bit of it.....

Yup, I smoke a lot of pot. I pretty much smoke on & off from the time I wake up til' the time I go to bed. If you smell cronic, I'm probably close by. There are many things that I could be doing that I don't partake in. Yeah, I get the munchies but I eat healthy for the most part. I do like to make marijuana cookies, butter, oil, brownies, cakes, candy, beer, you name it I'll put some magic in it. Yup, I'm a sticky note addict. I can't for the life of me remember the day to day things. I have to write it down or I'll forget. I have a great memory for the most part. I can remember everything from the time I was 2 - 3 yrs. old to current. I can remember every conversation I ever had. I can remember how to play both piano and guitar to over 400 songs. I can remember all the chorography I've ever done. I can remember every news article, band interview or article, or book I've ever read. I can remember peoples names and what they do even if I only met someone once then don't see them for years. It may take a minute but I'll remember the name even if I don't recognize the face. I stink at math (other than the basics) but for some reason or another I CAN remember every address, locker combo, phone numbers, drivers license number, social security number, all my bank account numbers, credit card numbers,  I've ever had. If I seen yours at one point I can tell you what it is (good thing I'm not a crook). I'm not kidding, I remember all that stuff. I have a million sticky notes that remind me of all the day to day things I know I won't remember later. Maybe it is due to smoking so much weed but I think it's due to all the other stuff in my head. I have a very active mind. My wheels are always turning so it doesn't surprise me that I can't remember everything. Even if all the other stuff is suppose to be more important than all the stuff I can't remember. I think my mom's issue was she asked me a question and I told her I needed to think about it before I gave her an answer. She came to see me a few weeks later and asked me if I had thought about it. I said yes and started flipping through my paperclip of sticky notes looking for my answer....

Blocking out the world. Yup, guilty again. I get it you guys. I really do. I'm too good at blocking things out. You have said, a freight train could run through my house and I wouldn't blink an eye. Your probably right but I'd figure out what happened when I'm looking through what used to be a wall. I know at times you can be talking to me and I'll be looking you in the face and not know what the hell you just said. I live in my mind and sometimes it's hard for me to focus when I have other things I'm thinking about. I know I seem to be getting worse instead of better. I have been thinking about serious matters within the last couple of months so it has been worse than ever before. I will really make an effort to pay attention. That would get on my nerves too.

Food? Oh, yummy. I love good foods. I used to love making gourmet dinners but I don't have anybody to cook for. I hate to make dinner that will take me several days to eat. I don't wanna cook for myself. I do it but I don't like it. There I said it. As much as I love food, I hate shopping. You will never see me at the mall or somewhere stupid. That includes the grocery store. I'm guilty again. Getting me to go grocery shopping is like getting a tooth pulled. I'll go if I must but it hurts so bad. I will finally go when there is absolutely not one thing left. I'm not a shopper. Although I don't mind going to the fresh fruit/ veggie market. Why don't they have delivery boys that bring you your groceries? That is such a good idea. I would for sure be a loyal customer. I would like to tell you I'd get out and go shopping at least for groceries but I don't think I can get over not liking to shop. If I can't go to guitar center and get what I need or get on line I don't really need it. I'll go before I starve I promise. {wink}

Communication? I communicate. Read my blog or facebook. Settle down, I'm just kidding. You all complain often that I won't answer the phone, I never have my cell phone on, I won't open my mail, I won't check my e-mail, and half the time you can't get me on facebook. If something bad happened I wouldn't know it cuz I won't answer the phone. You again are right. My step mom passed away not so long ago and I couldn't be reached just like you said. I was told via Facebook. Although I already knew she was gone. I was waiting on the call but I forgot to turn my phone on. Sad, I know. I'm guilty again. I hate the phone with a passion unless I'm initiating the call. I'm being honest..... Every time the phone rings I want to smash it. You can thank my ex for that. He would call me a million times when I'd be working a show, or promoting, or out of town. It didn't matter what was going on or where I was I could count on him calling a million times to see what I'm up to. Dave, you remember what happened in Seattle. I lost it right there in front of everybody. It's the Miz Mayhem show. Watch me flip out, turn colors, and if your lucky you may even see me reach through the phone and strangle someone. Hopefully in time that too will pass. It's not just that. I'm an artist. Usually I'm writing, playing, painting, or sculpting. I'm in my zone and when the phone rings it's a distraction and it just flat out gets on my nerves. I hate phones and would be happy if we could only e-mail. Which brings us to Mail and E-Mail....

I read my e-mail when Dave tells me to. Sometimes I even do it without being told. If I'm super bored and have absolutely nothing better to do I have checked it before all on my own. It just doesn't happen very often. I don't get bored only once a year or something. Boredom has never been an issue for me. Checking my own e-mail? Oh, please don't make me!!! I don't open my regular mail either. I go to the mailbox just for exercise. I bring the mail in and it sits in a basket on my desk til the basket fills up then I shred it. I look at it when I bring it in. I just don't open it unless I think it's something important like when I got the letter from the court. I opened it and it pissed me off. Another reason why I don't open the mail. Shred that shit and stay happy. Look what happened last year when I opened my bank statement and realized I ran up a $1,260.00 bar tab at the ski resort for one month. It pissed me off. It's stuff like that. I don't need to know. Which brings us to finances.

Nope, I don't know what my bank statement says. If someone was stealing from me unless they took all my money at once I'd never know it.  I don't balance any of my accounts. I don't balance a checkbook. I have a checkbook but I never really use it. All my bills are set up for automatic bill payment. I don't open my mail so I have to otherwise everything would get turned off. I buy what I want, when I want. There's plenty of money so I don't worry about it. I don't like going to the bank either so sometimes (real estate sale) there can be hundreds of thousands of dollars sitting in another basket on my desk waiting to make it to the bank. I'll make it to the bank before the 90 day expiration on the check. I try to get everybody to pay me via wire transfer but not many do it that way yet. Another great idea then I wouldn't have to ever go to the bank. I have a drawer in the kitchen where most people would probably keep cooking utensils but I keep cash in there. You can't pay everything with a debit or credit card. If I need cash I grab what I need and I'm out the door. I try to keep enough to last several months because I don't go to the bank. If someone breaks in and can make it through the coded locked gate at the bottom of the driveway, then make it past the coven crew without being seen, then make it past the alarm system and the dog I suppose they deserve it. If they even bother to look in the drawer. Mom I know you freaked out when you seen all those checks sitting in a basket and seen how long they had been sitting. I know I'm blessed to be successful when the economy is so crappy and so many are in financial crisis. I wanted to be able to tell you I'd take care of my personal life better and get my butt out of the house. I was thinking about it and didn't think I'd really do it but I did come up with a plan to get my checks to the bank as I get them. Turns out you can MAIL your checks to them and they will deposit them for you. Yay, now all I gotta do is order some stamps. Ewww, that means I gotta go to the damn post office. I can take a piece of mail to the mailbox though. Not a problem.....

Why won't I date anyone? I'm working on a piece as we speak that address this question. I'll be posting it sometime soon. It's somewhat painful and I can only handle dealing with that issue in small doses.   

I do leave the house. I'm not at home now. I'm never home in the winter months. I'm out when I'm performing, or working a show, or seeing a show, or touring, or promoting, or going to a writers convention or writers awards. I also get out when I have to go stupid shopping. I get out to go to guitar center or when I'm at the Civic Theatre or the studio. See, I do get out plenty enough. I'm happy at home. That's my sanctuary and I only leave if I have to. I'm happy writing, painting, playing, sculpting, reading, facebooking, blogging ect.....

So mom I get your point. I'm functioning on a disfunctional level. I'm so busy promoting, building, writing, painting, drawing, sculpting, blocking out the world and all my other projects that the day to day stuff is more than neglected. I flat out just don't do any of it. I can't say much will change because I'm happy, I don't wanna do any of it and none of those issues other than the not paying attention and blocking out the world are really an issue. They are, but there not. I get it but I don't wanna do anything about it at this time. But I do hear what your saying and I know your right......

"Good Girl" with "Bad Girl" Tendencies

I know I said I would check my facebook and write something for the blog everyday and I haven't. I'm sorry, I've been playing hard and haven't done much else. I thought a change of scenery would help clear my head. In a sense it has. I haven't thought about anything until yesterday. I get on the mountain and forget everything. I did start writing. Unfortunately, after reading it back I'm all over the place. I had several different things all jumbled into one long ramble. I'm working on cleaning it up, separating it into several posts so it's not so long and making it coherent so it will make sense. At this point, I only make sense to myself. Big surprise there....   

My brother and I were talking. He said, I do this every year. Every year around this time I kind of weird out a little. I get antsy, feel restless, need a change of scenery, start hashing out past, present, future issues in my head. Every year I go through a sort of death and rebirth. I never put much thought into my yearly habits. Now thinking about it. I do, do that. It's the change of season as well. Once again death, renewal, rebirth......

I took my little brother on this trip with me. We've been having to much fun. Been skiing in Aspen for the last several days. Got chased down by ski patrol first day out within a couple of hours of being there. I missed my spot to get on the chair lift with Tee so we both went up alone. I was right behind him though. At the top just before you ski off the lift if you push down with your ski's at the lip, the chair will lift you up just a little then pushes you off at a pretty good speed. You can jump off the peak with some speed behind you. What I didn't know was, you had to either have two people on the lift for weight or weigh at least 170 + pounds for that trick to work. Once I reached the top, I pushed down with my ski's and it lifted me up so high I couldn't get off then it started to go around as to go back down the mountain. I can see my brother standing below watching all this go down. Looking at me shaking his head laughing. Oh hell no! Have you ever seen anybody ride the lift down the mountain? No, I haven't. There is just no way I'm riding the chairlift down the mountain. So, I jumped off. That is a big NO NO. You are not suppose to jump off the chairlift but I did it anyway. There is a right way to do the wrong thing. They stopped the lift, and the next thing I know I see ski patrol peering over top to see who the idiot is. I know there gonna come after me. I also know almost everybody that works ski patrol. We all run in the same circle sort of speak. If you want me you gotta catch me. So I took off and led them on the chase. I always liked tag, and there it. Catch me if you can damn it MUHAHAHAAAA

Ski patrol is chasing me. My brother is chasing ski patrol. I led them all to South slope black diamond and jumped off the devils pitchfork. For any of you who don't ski or don't know that slope, the devils pitchfork is a 60' foot drop off the face of the mountain. Only a few of us actually attempt the drop all the others go around. I opted for the jump of course. Landed smooth, stopped to see if the others were going to follow me or go around. I didn't wanna loose them so soon. So I watch and wait. My brother ski's well but not well enough to do stuff like that. I knew he'd be going around. Both of the ski patrol guys followed me so I take off again. Chase is back on.....

I took them off devils pitch fork, through the pines, over the moguls, to the back side of the terrain park over all those big jumps. Finally, we all came to a stop. Now I get to see who's been chasing me. Whoever's been chasing me already knows who they've been chasing. You can't miss me. I'm the only one on any mountain at any givin' time wearing my signature black and red colors, sporting devil horns on my head, with hellfire ski's. I'm easy to spot. I may be mischievous but I really am a "good girl" who just happens to have "bad girl" tendencies. I'm pretty sure it's one of our crew cuz not to many of ski patrol would have chased me down like that. Most of them would have watched and waited, and caught up with me at some point later. They were having as much fun chasing me down as I was leading them on a chase. It was Spencer and Kal. The two Kamikazes from hell. Ha, now that's how to kick off the ski season. Great chase guys. That was a lot of fun.......

Night before last I tried to do a triple off Widows Peak. Didn't quite make it. Crash and burn. My first crash of the season was a big one. I hit so hard that I lost everything. I-Pod, my tin, my flask, goggles went flying off my head, one ski popped off, poles laying here and there. I'm pretty sore to the point it hurts to breathe and won't be doing any more skiing for a little while.  Tee and I left Aspen yesterday. We are now in San Diego. I will heal here, take a short break, and do some writing. Take it easy for a few days. Do some scuba diving and chill with The Aunts. The Ocean calls and serenity awaits......

Vampires, The Aunts, and ESPionage

You want to know more about what I said regarding The Aunts and the government and the whole ESPionage thing. Ha, if I really believed that THEY could indeed enslave me for ill purposes I wouldn't be writing all the stuff I've been writing. I really don't put much stock in that. It's true, I don't trust the government. For many reasons but what The Aunts said is just something that sticks in the back of my head. I've seen SyFy... lol I will never say something is impossible. My gifts don't work like that anyway. There subjective. Besides, nobody could make me do anything I didn't want to do. In short, If something big went down you better be ready for it because if you think for one minute our government is equipped or would come to your aid your sadly mistaken. This is a dog eat dog world. Every man for himself. Remember what happened in New Orleans when the levies broke. That's just one city. It was a crisis but when you think of all that could go wrong that's nothing. So, when the shit hits the fan someone better be ready to stand up and lead the troops. I could go on for hours regarding the inhumane, wrong, corrupt, greed, capitalist bullshit, ineffective, ways of the world which all go back to the damn government. This is another subject I try to avoid. I've learned to listen and keep my opinion to myself. I've caused a whole room to go silent with the "Oh my gods, I can't believe she just said that." Which of course leads to me having to explain why I said whatever it is I said. Which then leads to a lot of debate, and ultimately leads to huge unmanageable arguments, which then I disappear........

"The Aunts". What can I say about The Aunts? One is somewhat like me (a sensitive) and the other deals with the dead. I suppose you can say it runs in the family. The females on my mother's side and it seems to skip a generation except none of the Aunts children are afflicted. So, I am the youngest, a bit more fine tuned yet most at conflict. I will be visiting "The Aunts" on my journey in hopes they can tell me what the hell is happening to me and maybe even help me figure out what my grandfather is trying to tell me. I must figure out what that means to me......

HaHaHaHa You guys crack me up. NO, I'm not a vampire (too many movies folks). I'm graceful and light on my feet because of years of dancing and being trained in ballet and the arts. That is how I'm tip toe quiet. As far as the keen hearing... (very amused lol) I'm a sensitive. I feel your energy getting closer long before I hear you. I agree, my home is like a cultural museum with many artifacts, statues, painting, mummy's, tombs, books, scrolls, various weapons and a bunch of other rare finds that my grandfather and I have been collecting as long as I can remember. I'm not going to give my exact birth date because of all the idenity theft, abuse, and for the pure fact I don't like giving to much information about myself. I assure you, I was born in the late 70's not the 1700's or 1800's. As far as my bite, well that is just a fetish. I only bite my girlfriends when I'm feeling frisky cuz it won't go any further than a nibble. I don't run around biting my friends (hahaha). It really isn't a true "bite", as you would think of biting anyway. I guess, you'd have to be there. Please don't offer either (offers are boring). If I truly feel the urge most likely I'll just do it. I'm not much for asking permission. Besides, there is only one man whom I'd really like to nibble on. I would breathe him in and drink of him like a fine wine. I bet he smells good too. Not like cologne smell good. Like that natural masculine pheromone smell good. Mmmm..... Anything less that mad, passionate, extraordinary loving sex is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life and that shall not be one of them....Ok, I may have slid off track for a moment. Anyway, an invite for a bite is pretty much the highest form of flattery. It is without a doubt sexual in nature but I'm not a Vampire. I'm a highly sensual being that is all.......

Thank you all for coming to my Annual Spooktacular Halloween Bash. Thank you to the Coven Crew for making it all happen. You guys did a great job as usual and it literally wouldn't of been possible without you. Sorry, I didn't announce my disappearance. Lady Guinevere had plenty enough. I looked to the stars and nothing was where it was suppose to be. I was disorientated, turned around in my chair one to many times. When the stars are wrong, I know I've had plenty enough and it's time for bed.......

Philosophy?

Philosophy? Yes, I have many and could probably keep you here a very long while explaining my philosophy, my take on.....well, everything! I do look at the world through a different pair of glasses then most of society. However, most of society isn't afflicted with my cured gifts. I take a look at most things from a spiritual metaphysical point of view and then fight with my logical side. Sometimes hours, days, weeks, years, a lifetime. I am without a doubt in a constant battle with myself. I was definitely born under the wrong sign for these cursed gifts. My deep sensibility and the need to be logical almost always clashes with my metaphysical self. Although, I'm most comfortable in the metaphysical world. There is much that I don't know and am still learning my craft and trying to do something good with it.

 It is very frustrating seeing some of the things I see. Not able to tell exactly WHAT I'm seeing and feeling can be quite scary. You want to be able to do something to help, to warn of the destruction that is to come yet the not knowing is there. You can't warn when your not sure WHO. You can't help when you don't know  WHAT the mission is. My hands are tied most of the time. Restraint and confinement comes to mind. I absolutely go crazy with the thought of helplessness, restraints and confinement. I don't trust the government and my ideals are very different from what is reality. This world would be completely different if I was in charge. It would be Alice in Wonderland all over again but better. I have many reasons for not trusting the government but one that always stuck in the back of my head was what "The Aunts" have taught me. The Aunts have taught me, that I cannot trust government and should be fearful for as if they stumble upon any of US we could be enslaved to them for greed, espionage, and used in the wrong way. The ugly side of humanity sort of speak. Which undeniably would not be in any of our best interest. I am a free bird. Born to fly. I must have freedom or I die. Mentally, physically, and metaphysically. Maybe, in part that is why I live on the edge. You know my motto: "I don't want to push you over the edge, I just want you to enjoy the edge". It is all or nothing. Go big or go home. Push it to the limits. I'm not a sheep, I'm a wolf among sheep trying to open your eyes to a much bigger, expansive, world. Where we have much more power than most can fathom.

There is much more than what you SEE. Most of you see the coin two sided. I see every coin four sided. There are many sides to everything. I dissect it, pick it apart, explore it, know it, become it, then put it in the right order and super glue that shit back together again. Being in my head is absolutely exhausting. I can get exhausted by doing absolutely nothing but thinking. It is very tiring to be me. There has got to be a reason I can communicate with the dead. A reason I see, feel, hear, know what I know. What is my purpose? How can I serve us all better with my gifts? I still don't know. Maybe I am just to secretive. I'm really not all that secretive. I'm quietly an open book really. I may not be outright with it but if you ask you shall receive. If your afraid of what I might say, think twice. I'm not good at the spare the feelings thing. You may not like the answer you get but it will be an honest one.

Like I said I'm very careful who I let into my world. Surrounding myself with the right people is very important. Picking the right mate is equally important. It's like trying to find the needle in the haystack. This time I'm certain to get it right. What you have is a Queen without a King. Three times a charm. Right? I like my quiet, tranquil, little life and I don't want anything disrupting it. I will always be very careful who I let into my world. If red flags that are not conducive to me appear I'm gone and for good reason, I protect myself. I cut out the useless and wasteful. It is very easy for me and I won't bat a lash. It takes a special type of person to be able to handle me. As far as the sexy French man goes. I may have shitty timing but I'm not wrong about this. I know in my heart of hearts, I'm not wrong. He may not know it, but I know it. Sure, I don't know what to do about it. It will work itself out, I suppose. I told you guys I would find a way to open the door to tell him about my cursed gifts. I did open the door. Now whether he chooses to walk through it is altogether another thing. We will see.....

I know you all love me, look upon me as your Queen, the Oracle, the all seeing eye and would do almost anything for me but I also know I scare the shit out of you guys often enough. Hell, I scare myself often enough. My intentions are pure that has never been questioned. Now I have this NEW thing. What is it? How did it happen? Why? I've been hearing the dead for years. I can deal with dead. Dead is dead and residual energy from another life. Yeah, I get that. I have lots to draw from when it comes to dead and there energy. But, never have I tapped into a single live being and there emotions. Sure, I see and feel things that are to come but that is different. Different because it's usually a major incident and I feel as a mass not as a individual. Did he do that? Or did I do that? Maybe we both did that? What is happening to me? My curious nature and the need to explore wants me probe further. Yet my, Oh no you don't. Leave him alone, that is wrong to the core to invade someone's psyche is saying NO!!! I don't know what happened and I don't know what is happening to me? Can I control it? I don't know? Constant battle I tell ya.......

In keeping with that theme, it's my search for meaning that is also a focal point. By virtue of exploring my world, I start to grasp everything that is available to me. It all boils down to understanding. Understanding what I see and feel, and probing further in hopes of realizing true meaning. Through higher education of my metaphysical self, I have the hopes of understanding concepts and theories that will enhance my world and therefore all of you as well. Whether it's philosophy or psychology, or other worldly things it all reminds me that I and everybody I bring into my world are on a voyage of discovery. I know I'm not an easy one to tame, can be quite wild at times, never know where you might end up, or what demons we may face together. I know, I'm complicated and just when you think you get it I change direction. Harder to keep up with than Glen Danzig as you say...lol Although, your all better for it and know it as I will open your eyes to what you've been programmed to not see, and not understand. Along this road, we will come face-to-face with our ideals and further shape our selves and ethics. Another approach to a clearer understanding of life, and more importantly, of the unknown, it's through spirituality. Understanding and accepting that which is greater than us, and our world, is key.......

Sadly, I might not always be humble in the face of what I have. A concrete understanding of the possibilities in my life sometimes leads to ruthless ambition, and an over-expansion of the self and my coven. To face these demons most effectively, I institute my own set of  laws. These laws provide the orderly and positive growth of myself. In much the same way, philosophy and religion help add focus and purpose. Religion..... I always try to steer clear of religion as I have my own. I believe in many aspect of many different cultures and many different religions. None have it completely right. They all have bits and pieces right (in my opinion). How we all relate to each other, and knowing and respecting the laws by which are lived are core tenets......

The way in which I expand my inner and outer life is also important to me. Travel and interaction with other people and cultures are a means to an end. My dreams, those that illustrate my past as well as those that speak to future, also help me mold my being and my relationships. Taking this a step further, psychics as the bearers of relevant information also come into play. At the end of the day, however, I am best described as philosophically inclined in the search for meaning and truth......

I'd like to be an open book

and let you in to take a look

but will you treat my pages with care?

Will you respect what you find in there?

Will you take the time to understand my story?

Delve into my depths to find my glory?

Or put me aside 'til I become dusty?

Lose interest then wonder why I'm musty?

Will you be gentle with my cover?

Run your hands over me as a lover?

Or will you be careless with my reams?

Splitting me open at the seams?

Few are those who opened my pages

Discovering me through many stages

I open myself gradually with much delight

but always they want to change parts not right.

Yet still I'd like to be an open book

and let you inside me to take a look

but my leaves are becoming marked and worn

better you leave me closed than torn.....

Half Hour in my Mind

 I may have over reacted yesterday. After posting the photo Victoria Secret chose. I got a flood of messages from men that I don't know asking me out, asking for sex, telling me how hot I am, or what they want to do to me, asking me to call them, and/ or meet for drinks. I'm not just some bimbo that looks good in a bikini. This is why I like to lurk in the shadows. Also why I prefer not to be in the spotlight anymore. I would rather be behind the scenes backing the ones I love and my friends. I would rather do the footwork for others and make their dreams come true. I've gone above and beyond to make it as difficult as possible for anybody that doesn't know me to figure out WHO I really am. I have more alias, pen names, and stage names than anybody I know. So far it's worked pretty well for me. Not to many have figured it out. Most by chance or by someone they know that knows things. Yet, I sometimes forget that I have fans and people that don't know me on facebook. That page is for my family and friends only. It's when I post a picture or something that the dogs come out of the woodwork. It's like that little pink thing hanging out. Eeewww.....This is why you don't see many pictures of me on there. The only one's who commented or "liked" my photo were my true friends. The others sent me stupid messages. Those kind of messages is why I don't have anything to do with the web pages and e-mails. I guess I can't handle that "kind" of attention. I don't want it. To be honest, messages like that offend me. Nobody talks to me like that. Those guys obviously have no idea what it's like to court a lady. I mean, really what were they thinking? Did they actually think I was gonna say, ok here's my address why don't you come over and bone me or something? One even asked me why I play hard to get? {Screams} I don't play hard to get, I am hard to get and your tactics stink!!!! I wanted to go through my friends list and delete everybody I don't know but I can't stick them all in the fucked up box. I suppose that would be unfair to the one's who are nice and don't say stupid things to me. So, I posted a public message telling them all to knock it off and go away. Then I messaged each one of them with the web link and deleted them from my friends. Thank you Dave for handling my e-mails and web pages. Also, thank you for not telling me what kind of messages I get. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I sure couldn't deal with that crap everyday........

On a lighter note, I leave this afternoon for New Orleans then off to Montreal. When I get back home from these shows I'm going to rest a few days, do some trick or treating with the the Compound kids then I'm leaving for a while. I gotta get out of here, and clear my head. I don't know where I'm going or when I'll be back. I assure you I won't be gone for months or anything. I will stay in the country so no worries. (Dave) I will be back in time for the Nov. shows. I'll have my phone but as usual it won't be turned on unless I have to for some reason or another. I'll be checking my facebook daily so you all can catch me there if you want to. I have questions that I need answered and I'm not getting them here. I keep loosing weight and that is not good for me.  I really haven't been taking good care of myself lately. I have no room for anymore weight loss. I'm now down to 108 and can't seem to get a handle on it. I think I have to much going on right now. My head is overloaded with way to much stuff. I'm a very mixed up girl right now and I think that's part to blame for this weight issue. I want to get lost. Really truly lost. Maybe then I'll be able to answer these questions and find myself again. You know, this open thing really is good for me. I had no idea it would be this good for me or maybe I would have tried a long time ago. It seems, when I write whatever it is I'm writing about, getting it out makes me whole. I'm finding that I have stuffed many issues way down deep inside and forgot about them. Lately, it's all coming to the surface. One after another. I forgot about these things you see. I'm done with pushing things down inside. From here on out I'll deal with them as they come. It took a long time for me to truly deal with the loss of my grandfather. I love him and miss him terribly. After my post My Bleeding Heart I cried for days but I'm good now. It's been dealt with and put to bed. Well, it's kind of put to bed. He keeps telling me, "The risk that might break you is also the one that might set you free". I don't know what this means to me. It could be several things, it could be all things, I need to figure out what this means to me. I've been thinking about it for over a week and still don't have a clue. When I write about all these things it's my way of truly dealing with it. You know, I had thought on several posts that maybe it wasn't a good idea. Echo's of my past was the first good bad idea. I got some back lash that I didn't want to defend. I hate being the cause of someone else's pain. Never less, he did attempt to choke the life out of me and I just laid there without a fight and let him. When he got no reaction he stopped. He had slowly killed me over the years. I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at myself for allowing it to happen. You can't kill what is already dead!! I'm over him and all the bullshit that went with it. I was over it long before I left.

 The post Logic Vs. Metaphysics is another that was difficult for me. When your a sensitive and you feel everything sometimes it's hard to tell what is yours. Sometimes they become entwined and it confuses me. Although, after writing that, I was at peace. Nothing was racing through my head, so it seemed I answered all my own questions and was ok with what I found. I was so at peace none of the other stuff that's been trampling my mind even came up. In fact, I had nothing to say about anything for days. I haven't had peace like that is such a long time. Of course, I knew it wouldn't last. Couldn't last because of the odd nature of it all. I knew after writing that post it wouldn't be over. You guys just have more questions. Things I hadn't really thought about. Then the thing that happened last week. It just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I don't want to invade his personal space. I don't want to be the cause of anything unpleasant for him. I don't know what happened but I'm afraid it will happen again and I don't know how to stop it. I already feel like I've wronged him in several ways. I accidently invade his personal space and I post this stuff about him and he doesn't know it. You guys think he should know how I feel and should know about my cursed gift. He (kinda) does know how I feel. I may have been vague but he knows things about things. He knows I think he's beautiful inside and out. He knows I think he's brilliant. He knows I want to meet him. He knows I want to get to know him better. I have already told him all these things. It wouldn't surprise me if he knew more than what I think. Especially after last weeks incident. I'd be willing to bet he's got some crazy intuition or something. As far as telling him more of what I "feel"....What the hell am I suppose to tell him? What the hell would I say? You can't just tell someone you don't know all this. What is he suppose to do with that kind of information. How does one respond to something like that? I just can't do that to him. He has enough going on without me adding to it. I'll tell you what. I will find a way to tell him about my cursed gift but that's as far as I'm willing to go at this point. Unless he asks of course. I will not lie to him but I don't want to boggle his mind with my metaphysical mumbo. And NO, I'm not afraid he can't handle it. I'm more afraid I can't handle it.......

I don't know where I'm going but I'll be heading west. I'm taking my kite and board, my ski's, and scuba gear. Before you all say, your not suppose to do any of that alone. I know this and I'm doing it anyway so save your breath. The worse that could happen is I become shark bait. I'm ok with that. If the last thing I hear is the ocean calling, I'll die where I'm meant to be......

I plan on addressing all my demons and all that keeps me up at night. I'm going to try to post something on here daily so you can read through my struggles. I'm not sure what all is going to come up. By the time I make it back home I hope to have found peace and put the demons to rest. This will be a trip of personal reflection. Nope, I'm not traditional, nor conventional but loyalty runs through my veins like a river.........

People hide the wounds that you cannot see

Beneath shallowness and cruelty

Hard barriers to stop you getting in

It's safer not to risk pain again

Those walls get built and you don't even know

It seems safe inside but they don't let you grow

They close out the joy as well as the pain

Would you give up the sunshine to get rid of the rain?

They form a prison and keep you inside

Solitary confinement for the real you to hide

Inside this prison you shrivel and bleed

Until one day it's more painful than breaking free

Then demolishing of the walls has to start

And you begin to make the journey to your heart

Out on a Limb

I'm so far out, on a very thin limb. I'm about as vulnerable as one could get. As you know for me that is very unsettling. I have absolutely no experience in this field at all. I have nothing to draw from. Nothing like this has ever happened before so I just don't know. All I know is, he feels right. It may be one sided. More like, probably is one sided but you can't fault him for that. Unless he can feel it, the cosmos, and feel me shimmering upon his mind how the hell would he know?

Speaking of shimmering upon his mind. Just for the record, I didn't do this on purpose furthermore I don't even know how I did it. It just happened. You know how I dream things, remember them and later they come to pass? You know how sometimes I have a flash of major déjà  then I know what's going to happen just before it happens? Well, seems I may have a new cursed gift or maybe he's the only one who's been able to pull it out of me. This is so strange. Last week I was sitting at the computer writing. Out of nowhere, not thinking about him or anything I had what I can only describe as a flash of déjà. Except I didn't see (only feel) things, it was like I could feel his thoughts or emotions or something. I don't know how, but I know they were his. I'm not sure what it was. It's hard to explain someone else's emotions. They weren't mine so I'm not sure but it felt to me like overload, extreme busy, tired, possibly frustrated, ready to call it a day/ night, all the above sort of thing. I got this flood of stuff. Then it was like he knew I was there or something. A big thick dark wooden door slammed in on me. It was like someone slamming a door in your face. It slammed so hard it (literally) knocked me out of my chair. I fell backwards out of my chair onto the floor and hit the back of my head so hard I'm surprised I don't have a concussion. I've NEVER had anything like that happen before. Either he knew I was there and didn't want me there or subconsciously I didn't want to be there. One of us slammed that door. I'm not sure who, but I'd be ok if that didn't happen again......

I wanted to reach out to him on facebook or something. I couldn't put my finger on it but  I could feel something wasn't right. I can't help but want to make it better but I couldn't even try because I didn't know what to say. What do you say, I can feel from 2,000 miles away something is wrong? Yeah, ok..... Some one slammed that door and I'm sure not going to keep knocking. So, I left it alone.....

So lonely sometimes

Yearning for someone to understand
Someone who'll care for me
Just for who I am
Someone who'll share with me
Who they really are
I believe I'll find it someday
But right now it seems so far
Why do I have this hunger inside?
Is life just a long lonely ride?
Or does the wait make you appreciate it more
when you find the one you've been waiting for?
I only know I won't settle for second best
I've have a pale imitation of love and now
I want the rest.....

My Bleeding Heart

Born March 11, 1927 -  Died March 11, 2001. Yes, on his birthday 10 years ago. My grandfather passed away. He was a brilliant man, with an unbelievable imagination and the gift to make great music. He was a philosopher, actor, artist, writer, and musician. I was his shadow, looked up to him. Wanted to be just like him when I grew up. In my eyes he could do no wrong. As I think of him tears streak down my face. How I miss that man with a passion. One of the smartest men I've ever known. Always seemed he could answer every question I ever had no matter how uncomfortable the topic. I can tell you, and my mother would agree that as a child I had some pretty tuff questions. I would ask things most children wouldn't be thinking, let alone asking. No topic was taboo or off limits. He and I did everything together right to his last breath.

He also had a passion for travel, love of different cultures, and the arts. Sometimes we'd be out of the country and sometimes within. When we were in the States we'd take his motor home. I call it the bus because it was just like a tour bus but better stocked and not so many riders. In the summer when school was out we'd take off cross country. We never made it back till just before school was to start again. We would go from city to city seeing the sights, show's, plays, experiencing all the beauties of the land and the people. He would drive of course and I his co-pilot. I'd sit there playing my guitar while he drove. He'd listened to me play, instruct me and give me tips. I remember several times I'd be screwing it up so he'd pull over, right there on the side of whatever highway or back road to show me or start talking music theory. I remember (a few years before he passed) laying under the stars out in the desert at night, stars so bright, so close if felt like you could reach out and touch them. I would tell him what I see in my dreams. We would talk about all kinds of unconventional stuff. We would talk for hours and he'd never get bored. He always had a unique way of seeing things. He could always keep my interest no matter what the topic. I love my grandfather and miss him something terrible.

When his life force had extinguished he left me all his cultural artifacts from around the world, the bus, instruments, paintings, equipment and a few hundred acres of wooded land. The money was divided up equally between his children and grandchildren. He knew I didn't care about money so he didn't leave me any. He left me all the good stuff that nobody but me really cared about anyway. I got his legacy, they got the money and all is well. I was with him when he crossed over whispering in his ear the way home. I sang to him until he quit breathing. It took me several years to even be able to cry. I don't think I started the grieving process till three years after his death. It was just too painful, I went numb and pushed it way down deep inside me where it sat and waited.

A lot of things have changed since his passing. I have dealt with the loss as best I know how and have found some inner peace. He's always with me in spirit, his light shimmers through me, forever and always. I am the woman I am today because of his influence. He taught me the ways of the world. The soul always knows how to heal itself. The problem is silencing the mind......

I've moved all over the country and I've traveled this plant from corner to corner in search of something. Still to this day I don't know what I'm searching for. I'm a restless spirit, always looking for the next adventure, searching for my place in this world. What do you do when nowhere really feels like home? What do you do when you only make sense to yourself? What do you do when you see things and know things others don't? What do you do when your heart aches for a man it probably can't have? I'm not running away from anything. I might be running towards something. I don't know. As I write and think about this, all I can do is cry. I've cried so many tears I could fill the ocean's. I've been searching for the needle in the haystack. For me, who's woes are legion all I really want is the same peace I had when it was he and I. He understood me. Even when he didn't  understand, he would take the time to understand. Open minded, gentle, kind, and the best man I've ever known. I want him back! His light always guided me and now that light is extinguished and nothing will ever be the same.....

I had never been as happy and so at peace than when I was with him. The world made more sense back then. He knew how to silence my fears and quiet the nightmares. He was everything that was good and right. He still speaks to me but my sorrow keeps it to a muffled whisper. I can hear him say, "The risk that might break you, is also the one that might set you free". I don't know what that means to me........

The ground is full of broken stones
The last leaf has fallen
I have nowhere to turn now
Not east, not west, north or south

And all that's ahead of me
And everything I know
I know nothing
So bring me home

Put me on a plate with petals and a fire
And send me out to sea
Turn my angry sword against my heart
And let me free

The dawn holds the heaviness of the night
I've heard the restless sighs and lovers lies
The brook, the beach and seen the devil's eyes
So bring me home

I've cried for the lives I've lost
Like a child in need of love

Oh, I've been so close but far away from God
My tears flow like a child's in need of love
I've cried the tears so let the tide take me
I won't fight, I've cried the tears

The small step I need to take is a mountain
Stretched out like a lazy dog
Send me to slaughter
Lay me on the railway line

I'm far away from God
My tears flow like a child's in need of love
I've cried the tears so build the fire
And light the flame, bring me home

 

Why Sleep Just Paint

Nothing is going on that I can't sleep. I woke up Wednesday morning full of inspiration so I starting writing. I have three pieces I'm working on for the blog in addition to my novel and novella. I've been a writing machine lately. Started out the morning writing and by late afternoon I was tired of writing so I played my guitar for a few hours then decided to paint. I started painting the man of my dreams and forgot to eat, I forgot to sleep. I suppose I was so wrapped up in my work I forgot the world even exists. By the time I realized maybe I should go to bed, it was time to get up so I just stayed up. By the time Thursday evening rolled around I was so damn tired I was getting cranky. I haven't had any disturbing dreams in over two weeks. Lately my dreams remind me of what's missing in my life......

Peaceful waters within my mind

Where I can leave confusion behind
To float in quiet, tranquil quarters
Within my mind, peaceful waters

I sail on the slowest brainwaves

In and out of secret caves
The world outside begins to pale
On the slowest brainwaves I sail

Becoming a part of the cosmic sea

Attuning to the energy
Sweet serenity fills my heart
Of the cosmic sea becoming a part

Inspiration flowing through me

As I see so much more clearly
Infused with a sense of knowing
Through me inspiration flowing.

Cheater and the Lunatic

A couple of weeks ago one of my girlfriends came over to my house with a man she works with. At first it didn't register but it didn't take long for me to understand that they were more than just co-workers. This friend of mine is co-habituating and in a relationship with another friend and has been for a few years. What am I to do with that, I ask myself? I know I don't approve. I surely can't allow her to hang out at my house with some fling from work. If I allow her and that man to stay at my house that means I'm ok with it. Which also would make me as guilty as her. I pulled her aside and told her she couldn't stay here with that man. They both had to go, with a quickness! I just don't feel it's right and I don't want any part of it. Why the hell would anybody do that? Why bring him here? Of all the places to go, she comes here? That makes no sense to me. Everybody knows I don't do the cheating thing, it won't fly, and your probably going to get some backlash and some flack for it. It don't make sense and I don't like it. We've all been hurt at some point in our lives. I know I have. I've been cheated on, I've been lied to, I've been deceived. It's emotionally draining and I don't understand why anybody would do that to someone they say they love. That isn't love and if it is I'm good with that. I mean, I get the whole lust thing and all. I'm no stranger to lust but damn do you not have any self control or what? I've never done the cheating thing so I wouldn't know by personal experience but it seems to me that it would be a lot of work, the cover up, the lies, the guilt, and everything that goes with it. What do you say to yourself to justify your actions? I guess I'm just not cut out to be a deceiver. If you wouldn't tell your parents, your friends, your lover, or if it's a big secret maybe you shouldn't be doing it. That's all I'm saying. If you have to hide it, it's not worth it. Do onto others as you want done onto you. It quite simple really!!

I've already talked to her about my feeling on this subject. I never asked her why she did it, I really don't care. It makes no difference to me. If your unhappy get out before you start something new. If not put up and act right. Be true to yourself and your lover. There is peace and comfort when your conscience is clear and your true to yourself and those around you. It's not like me to nag, bitch or complain more than just once. I've said all that I'm going to say. It's none of my business but she kind of made it my business when she brought him here. I don't like judging people or putting them in some classification or in some little box of fuck ups or whatever you wanna call it. I don't think I'm better than anyone else or without flaws. I just hold myself to a higher standard than that......

Night before last I was invited to my cheater friends home along with another girlfriend. We had dinner and a few drinks then her boyfriend came home. He was a raging lunatic. I've never seen that side of him before. She has told me a few stories but until you actually witness it for yourself you don't really have a clue. He screamed, ranted and raved for what seemed like forever. My first instinct was to get the hell out of there but I couldn't leave her with a mad man. Who knows what he may do. I've never seen somebody so out of control. I don't like men that beat there chest and get loud in an attempt to make a point. I can't speak for her but that would never work for me. In fact, that would be a one time thing and he'd be part of the past. I would dump him so quick his head would spin. How the hell she puts up with that crap is beyond me. I still couldn't tell you what he said and I'm an excellent listener. I didn't hear anything he said, in one ear and out the other. All I could think is what an ass hat!!!  It must have shown all over my face cuz he then yelled at me and I didn't say or do anything. I stood there with that OMFG your such an idiot. I can't believe how much of an ass you are look on my face. He had me all kinds of ruffled. I don't do raging lunatic. If you have something to say why can't you just sit her down and say it like a normal person. Why would you do it in front of your friends? I don't get it. I just don't understand how one thinks that blowing up will solve anything. You know, I'm pretty calm and cool most of the time. It takes a lot to get me stirred up. I hate to argue, I'll discuss anything until we can come to some kind of mutual understanding that both can live with. I like some kind of resolve though. Even if we agree to disagree. I'm ok with that but I'm not sure what happened over there. All logic went right out the window. After listening to him rant over I'm not even sure what for far to long I had enough. He slammed his fist down on the counter and yelled, "That is it". I have a sharp tongue and I'd been biting it for long enough. He got to see a part of me he's never seen before. The bitch goddess once again reared her head and said, "Your right, that is it"! "Enough! you sit down and shut your mouth. I've heard all I'm gonna hear for one night." He got the riot act like I suppose nobody's giving him before. It probably wasn't my place but damn, how much more can one take. I had more than what I could handle and was DONE. I don't blow very often but when I do it's usually a crowd stopper. No one said a damn word after that. It was nice and quiet, you could hear a pin drop. I'm not a yeller, I'm very good at making a strong impact and making my point.

 
I wish I hadn't been there to witness his blow up. I don't see him in the same light as I did. I don't know if I'll ever look at him the same way again. I don't know how she can lay next to someone who says such hurtful things. I couldn't do it........