Conventional Wisdom...

Is there anything more dangerous than getting up in the morning and having nothing to worry about, no problems to solve, no friction to heat you up? That state can be a threat to your health, because if untreated it incites an unconscious yearning for any old dumb trouble that might rouse some excitement...

Acquiring problems is a fundamental human need. It's as crucial to your well-being as getting food, air, water, sleep, and love. You define yourself... indeed, you make yourself... through the riddles you attract and solve. The most creative people on the planet are those who frame the biggest, hardest questions and then gather the resources necessary to find the answers...

Conventional wisdom implies that the best problems are those that place you under duress. There's supposedly no gain without pain. Stress is allegedly an incomparable spur for calling on resources that have been previously unavailable or dormant. Nietzsche's aphorism, “That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger,” has achieved the status of an ultimate truth...

I half agree... But it's clear that stress also accompanies many mediocre problems that have little power to make us smarter. Pain frequently generates no gain. We're all prone to become habituated, even addicted, to nagging vexations that go on and on without rousing any of our sleeping genius...

There is, furthermore, another class of difficulty... let's call it the delightful dilemma... that neither feeds on against nor generates it. On the contrary, it's fun and invigorating, and usually blooms when you're feeling a profound sense of being at home in the world... The problem of writing my book is a good example. I've had a good time handling the perplexing challenges with which it has confronted me.

Imagine a life in which at least half of your quandaries match this profile. Act as if you're most likely to attract useful problems when joy is your predominant state of mind. Consider the possibility that being in unsettling circumstances may shrink your capacity to dream up the riddles you need most... that maybe it's hard to ask the best questions when you're preoccupied fighting rearguard battles against boring or demeaning annoyances that have plagued you for many moons...

Prediction: As an aspiring lover of paranoia, I will have a growing knack for gravitating toward wilder, wetter, more interesting problems. More and more, I will be drawn to the kind of gain that doesn't require pain. I'll be so alive and awake that I'll cheerfully push myself out of my comfort zone in the direction of my personal frontier well before I'm forced to do so by divine kicks in the ass....

 

Road Trip, Cigars, And Other Drugs

I went with a group of friends to see some other friends play a gig a few states away. We were smoking our way across the states and all of a sudden I see a sign that says be prepared to stop, drug check point. State police had several cars pulled over going through their vehicles. I'm thinking if this is anything like the airports their going to pull us.

I'm thinking we are hit. This car must reek of marijuana. One sniff of us and they are going to rip this car apart. I'm also thinking were in Iowa and they don't play. If we get caught they won't even want us flying over their airspace. Non of us had a marijuana license in that state. I'm not even sure if it's legal in that state. My guess is NOT!! I look down into my friends ashtray and it's full of roaches. I start eating them. I must of ate 50 roaches in a matter of minutes and chased it down with a dirty martini that someone had left from earlier. Sometime's you gotta take one for the team. I drank and ate all the evidence so nobody got in any trouble. OH and let me tell you I've never until then had a dirty martini. They are narsty!! Not that I would know but it tastes like dirty pussy. That's what I imagine dirty puss to taste like. God awful stuff and I don't want anymore....

You know what happened the other night? HA! This is stupid funny. I was chillin' on the sofa watching A Scanner Darkly. Yup, I actually watched something...lol And you know what a trip that movie is. No, I wasn't tripping. I gave up halogens many years ago. But I will get bloody stoned.... Anyway, I was watching that movie and found a cigar. Must of been from one of my friends that had stayed here at some point. You know, those guys you see puffin on a cigar. Smoke surrounding them. Looking soooo devilishly yummy smoking that cigar. Yeah, I don't know where that thought came from. Well, I do but were not going off road today. I'm still on my best behavior for the longest time to come... Anyway, men smoking a cigar. No, I found a cigar. Forget about the man smoking one. I found this cigar and thought...You know what I thought.... Jeez, this is starting to be a hard story to tell for such a simple story.... Ok, let's try this again. I found a cigar, thought what I thought and decided I was going to smoke it. Looks like fun, yeah! So I'm puffin on this cigar and my face goes numb. I could  barely feel my lips. I had no idea you could get so damn high off a cigar. Then I started to turn green. Like froggy green but no where near as cute. I didn't feel so good all of a sudden. I told this story to my friend Dave and he cracked up telling me your not suppose to inhale it, it's for flavor. Where does it say that? As for flavor....Flavor my ass. It's like beer. It taste like crap! Moral of this story.... Certain men look devilishly hot smoking on a cigar......

Here's a few things I wrote many, many years ago. ~ Enjoy ~

To The Ceiling I Write.....

Oh, vast and quiet ceiling

alabaster and spotted

last night, lo and behold your own

intensity held captive my audience

Your turning strawberry essence

your green outlines, they drew me to your theatre

I watched, helpless, as you and I overcame

wave after wave of mindless staring

and cut off views of you

you are just a ceiling

and last night you were the only thing left on earth

Like an undersea earthquake

you shimmered upon the surface of my mind

I do not hold you in contempt

good ceiling, but I do not thank you for the visions you slipped to me.

I know not how many others you have fooled before me,

but how long do you suppose you can exist

posing as nothing more

than a ceiling......

Trip of the Brain

I see your bones through your skin

You sit upon a throne of sin

Your expression is so wildly placid

We're products of lysergic acid

I feel hunted, I feel bare

I feel my brain begin to tear

Hair is bushy like a mane

Whatever happens

I feel no pain

The sky is purple and we are green

You don't want to know what I've seen.

Album covers run away from me.

I chase them on roads of LSD

My hands are peeling

I need to rest

I need the security of the nest

Nothing looks as it really should

We all see faces in the wood

We go playing in the park

many hours after dark

Light hurts my eyes

and I go blind

No one around me seems to mind

Ten hours later my head still hums

and I can't shake the sound of drums

When you've decided not to believe you're tripping

A snake runs out your sleeve

As I close the acid door

I look and see me on the floor

"The Property"

Three houses sold within the last couple months. There are two pending sales right now so I'm  happy about that. There's still more on my books but I quit slacking and have them listed and up for sale. Hopefully my agent will get all of them off my books before spring. I quit purchasing POS to transform because I'm out of time. It was something I wanted to try because I was feeling restless and needed a new creative outlet. It was a lot of work and took longer than what I had scheduled. The crew and I had a lot of fun and what a transformation those places went through. Looking at those places now you would never know they used to be a piece of crap that almost could have been bulldozed. I'm not a girl that is afraid to get dirty. As long as it isn't nasty. I draw the line at poo and other gross stuff. Oh yeah and nothing smelly. My senses must agree. If it don't look right, if it don't smell right, if it don't sound right, I can guarantee I won't touch it and I'm sure the hell not tasting it either. HA... I have no problem throwing my hair in a pony, and getting dirty.

  

In April of 2011 I bought this old house with a guest house that sat by itself on 8 acres out on the peninsula of a huge lake. I had the old house and the guest house bulldozed and removed right away. The property sat alone with nothing on it for several months. I was busy with the rehab of the farm house and didn't have a vision yet of what I wanted to build. It was a beautiful piece of property. When I sat there it felt so peaceful and right. Then in August it came to me. Inspiration at it's finest. It's a unique, exclusicve architectural style. A blending of French, European, Luxury Chateau, Neoclassical , & Mediterranean architectural styles all put together which forms my dream home. I sat down at the computer and started drawing up the blue prints. A week later, I took it to my architect to go over my work and make sure the numbers and everything else was right. A few weeks after that my crew starting building. I took my time with that house. I hand picked every piece of marble and granite, every everything. I designed everything. It's a plush world of luxury within. The 23' ceiling in the foyer welcomes you as the beautiful double curved staircase cascades into the foyer accentuating the openness. To the right is the living room with its 23' coffered ceiling, fire place and media room with alcoves and storage. To the left of the foyer is the dining room and library/study. Both with fireplaces. The arcade leads to the kitchen, or through the rotunda to the gallery, utility room and garage. On the other side of the house, passing through the arcade and rotunda leads to the exercise room. This area of the house also has a guest suite with another fireplace and full bathroom. The living room is open to the breakfast room and kitchen, and central to all rooms on the first floor. Behind the living room is the terrace, and off the breakfast area is a patio. There's also a butler's pantry which is enhanced by a walk in wine cellar/storage. The second story showcases the master suite (where the magic happens) including the barrel vaulted master bath, balcony, and wardrobe. The second floor has four additional bedrooms with baths and private balconies. A den and music room complete the floor plan. It was designed, and wired for top quality surround sound from top to bottom. A piece of my soul is in that house. I wanted to stay there and never leave. Because it sits on the peninsula no matter where you are in that house you get a great view of the lake. Classic, timeless, unique, regal, luxurious, beautiful and elegant. My vision encompasses all of thee characteristics and more. That house is truly one of a kind. So beautiful I wanted to live in him forever. It was very hard for me to let it go. I was in tears signing the papers. I didn't think I could ever get that attached to a house. I haven't been right since. How does one get so attached to a house they've never even lived in? It's a house for christ sakes. Thinking about it makes me very sad though. I want to think about something else.....




Maybe I should just continue so that I can get it out then I can move on. I did say I would deal with issues as they come. It is so hard to let go, but I did. Physically anyway. I let it go and sold the property on the fifth day of this new year for a whopping 2.6 million. Of course that's not all profit. I still had to pay for the property, the removal of the old houses, the crew that built it, all the materials to build it, the listing fees, and the agent that sold it, and of course Uncle Sam must have his cut along with the permit fees ect... you get the picture. I made a good profit but the money doesn't make the hurt go away. I got the property on foreclosure so I didn't pay anywhere near what it was worth. I don't know what I'd do with such a huge house anyway. 6,880 sq feet of beautiful. The taxes alone per year for that property is ungodly. In order to keep him I'd have to sell the Lake Michigan house and the log cabin in Colorado. Hell, I'd have to sell everything I own. Some of you may notice I now call it "the property". He used to have a name but he's no longer mine so now it goes unnamed. My way of trying to detach myself and my emotions from "the property". I sold the property to a surgeon and his family. He and his wife fell in love as soon as they walked in the door. And why wouldn't they? My soul is in that house....

In my heart lies a secret garden

bearing flowers of sweet perfume

A rippling oasis of colour

that's perpetually in bloom

I wander through it's beauty

pockets of sunshine here and there

Dappled light upon lush growth

which I tend with loving care

A mighty wall surrounds it

harbouring a gate of iron bars

Built long since to keep it safe

and to save it many scars

Yet my garden is so lonley

without another near

The very walls protecting it

keep me prisoner here

This chamber once was barren

A world I never knew

until I journeyed to it

nurturing gently 'til it grew

And now my garden's flourishing

there's more than enough to share

Plant's are climbing over walls

crack's starting to appear

I draw in my breath and approach the gate

touch familiar rusty bars

fumbling I catch hold of the latch

and pull the gate ajar

A creek, a groan, then it swings wide

I stare at this new view

I rub my eyes in disbelief

out here there's beauty too!!!

Maybe You Should Be Afraid

 After my last post someone had asked what were my epiphanies? I had said I met a man that was the light/ sound designer for the Nutcracker. He was pretty cool. I did enjoy his company because the conversations were never dull. I had also said he wasn't dumb but I didn't think he could teach me anything. My epiphany was that: He can't teach me anything. That is probably first and foremost number one reason why I wouldn't consider dating him. You know I like the brilliant, slightly older, intelligent, pretty sure he can teach me all kinds of stuff, highly creative artist like minded type. It never crossed my mind until he changed the conversation. Dating him or not dating him would have never crossed my mind but since it was brought up I had to examine why I would enjoy someone company and admit he was handsome yet nothing is there. Like I said, a magnitude of things has to happen. I know lots of good looking men that are not dumb bo's but I still don't want to date any of them. I'm telling you, it's just not there. I said, I need a game plan. I still don't have a game plan. I don't think I can do this. I'm not getting better at any of this. I still can't believe I told that man I had three men living with me and slept with them all. That is just wrong on so many levels. Part of me hopes I never see him again. Another part of me hopes I do just so I can tell him how full of shit I am and that you can never take me serious. The answer is still NO but don't listen to me. I've lost my mind and random weirdness comes out of my mouth. I really should apologize. I don't know what came over me but damn.....

Ok, so no game plan isn't working and I can't seem to come up with a plan. My mind draws a blank every time I try to think about it. Why can't I just say no thank you and be done with it. Why is that not enough? Why do you guys look at me like a simple no thank you isn't good enough? Like, I need to elaborate on the why no? I would say the old, "it's not you, it's me". Nobody ever believes that. It would be the truth but it seems so superficial. I try to put myself in their shoes and think what would I want to hear with a no if it was me. That doesn't work because a simple no thank you would be enough for me. Since there is no snow and I'm so restless. I wait for summer. When the festivals start and I can be in my element, with my crew. Where I can be me and not have to worry about this silly stuff. You know, I can't be me unless I'm a little naughty but you guys don't take me serious because you know better. I don't have to worry about being asked out or any of this uncomfortable stuff. I may be somewhat reserved but there's not a shy bone in my body. If I like someone they will know it.

I don't believe any of you guys are afraid of me like my ex had suggested. Well, other than Darren. I know I should feel bad for him but I don't. It's still funny to me. He won't even be left alone in the same room with me anymore. He had it coming though. I suppose I should elaborate a little for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about. I call him a kid because to me he is a kid. He's 21 maybe 22 I'm not sure but young and dumb no less. Not dumb as in intellect. Dumb as in young and inexperienced. For the longest time he would hit on me, make sexual innuendos, talk dirty to me, do all the things young dumb boys do. Anyway, one night the whole crew was together at my friends house. All of us had plenty enough to drink. He shows up with another friend of our and starts in on me. This is nothing new. He does this every time I see him. I said something along the lines, he was way to young, I'm way out of his league, and he wouldn't know what to do with me, if he had me. He didn't agree with my statement and kept it up. Awhile later he came into the bedroom where my girlfriends and I were smoking a joint. They left the two of us in the bedroom alone saying they'd be back in a few minutes. That's all I need is a few minutes. I had the opportunity to prove my point and put an end to his relentless come on's once and for all. I gave him that look. You know the one where you can tell my horns are showing. I turned around and locked the door. Pulled him up close to me so that I could feel his heart beating out of his chest. I dimed the light so it was dark but not total dark. Then I laid my hands flat upon his shoulders and whispered in his ear. Firmly pressing down on his shoulders I told him, "down on your knee's". Not that he really had much of a choice but he did what he was told. On his knee's in front of me, I looked down. Took his hand and guided it up my inner thigh and whispered some bullshit that I really don't remember. I could feel a tremor when I took his hand. I knew I was making him nervous and very uncomfortable. I then told him he was with The Dark Queen and he was not to touch me again. To keep his hands at his side. At this point I could feel his whole body slightly shaking. So I gave him my bite which he wanted so badly before. Tap tap tap...(perfect timing) Someone was at the door which was not even arm length away so I open the door. The light beamed in. He was on his knee's with eyes as big as saucers. He was pale and looked like he had just seen a ghost. Our friend said, "what the hell is going on here". I said, "nothing" the kid jumped up, and said "she's one of those freaky chicks" and ran out of the room. I had to laugh because he couldn't get out of their fast enough. We were only in that room for maybe 3 minute's tops. I thought I was being easy on him. That was nothing compared to if I had been serious. I was just messing with him. Cheap thrills and proving my point. I wasn't serious, not for one minute. He doesn't hit on me or say anything sexual anymore. To this day he won't be left alone with me. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!  Unfortunately that only works with young men not grown men. I wish it did work with grown men. Half ass seduce, scare the hell out of em', never to be bothered again? Hmmm....How much fun could that be....

Yes, darlings I am one of those "freaky chicks". I didn't get the nick names Mayhem, The Dark Queen,  Bitch Goddess for nothing. Maybe you should be afraid. Very afraid....MUHAHAHA......lol

I Need A Better Game Plan

In my last post you heard of my struggles with my ex husband. I didn't intent to go there. I usually don't air my dirty laundry. I may have stepped over the line a little by telling all I did. It's now public and he really can't defend himself. Generally speaking I never attack someone's character. Especially publically and where they don't have the opportunity to defend their view. Although, I'm pretty sure he would agree with everything I said. Including a rebuttal of somehow it was my fault he behaved the way he did. Honestly, I don't care anymore. I put myself out here and tell all of you, my deepest thoughts. That is huge for me. This blog has turned into a diary of sorts. I've never liked diaries. I always thought they were a bad idea. Somehow it can and probably will be used against you. My ex has used everything I have ever told him against me in some way at some point. I don't believe any man should have to deal with another man's fuck ups. I guess what I'm trying to say is: nobody from my future will ever have to deal with any hurt or bullshit that any of my ex's did to me. This is my way of making sure I remain open. I will not be afraid that the next man will use what I say against me. I will be an open book and not allow what has happened in my past to transcend to my future.  

I continue to be asked why I won't date. I have tried to answer that question so many times. I've written several unpublished pieces regarding this matter but it seems I go off into many directions but never can I answer the question. I'm not sure I know the answer to why I won't date. Every time I write about this I have a better understanding. One of these time's I'll sit down yet again to try to answer this question and it will come to me. It may take another 10 times of trying to get there. It's a process. It's always taken me a long time to figure myself out. The coin has to many sides. Either way I couldn't seem to get there without thinking of my ex's bullshit. I KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT!!!

So, here I go again trying to answer that question. I have several hang ups that I can't seem to get past. First and foremost you guys just freak me out. Things have changed since the last time I was single. Men are a lot more confident. Which is good. I like confident men. However, this is a problem because I don't remember how I dealt with this sort of thing in the past. Men used to act as if they were afraid to even approach me. What happened? Have I gone soft? Or have men gotten older and bolder? I'm thinking I got older and so did they. I'm in a world of shit if they are bolder cuz I don't know what to do. In the past if I had a boyfriend I would just say I have a boyfriend and that was enough. Then when I was married, I would just wiggle my ring to show I was married and that was enough. I honestly can't remember the times in between when I was single how I dealt with it. I must of said something, or done something but I can't tell you what it was. I really don't want anybody to ask me out. I don't want to do this anymore. It makes my skin crawl. Really is does.....

Let me tell you how ill prepared I am, in dealing with this. The month of December I was performing in the Nutcracker. 20 shows in 14 days. So I was at the Auditorium most of the time. I met this guy. He was the light/ sound director. Does the same thing as I when I'm not doing all the other things I do. Anyway, I meet this guy. He's a good looking man, funny as ever, intelligent enough to keep up with me. Not sure if he could teach me anything but he's not dumb. (Another epiphany, just this second lol) We were sitting there talking like we'd been doing for days. Suddenly the conversation changed. I don't remember exactly what he said but you know when you get that feeling that someone is about to ask you out. Yeah, it got real uncomfortable real quick. I distinctly remember thinking, "oh god, please don't", "no, don't do this". I knew what was coming and I was freaking out inside. I must have looked completely freaked as well. There was a long pause. He was looking at me, looking at him with that deer in the headlights kind of look. I thought I was going to have a flippin' heart attack. My heart was racing so fast that for a moment I thought I might loose it. I was trying really hard to keep myself together. I don't do that. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm always the calm, cool, on top of it, never let them see you sweat, kind of woman. He then says, "So, you have a husband at home or something"? Your not going to believe the shit that came out of my mouth. I can't believe what come out of my mouth!! I said, "No, not exactly". "But, I do have three men at home that all live with me". "All three of us sleep together too". WTF? I don't even know where the hell that came from. I didn't know I was going to say that. I didn't think it. So where the hell did that came from? I have no idea. Plucked that right out of the sky. Little does he know I was talking about my furry friends. I have two pets not three. Not sure where the third came from either. Guess two just isn't enough, I had to add a third. I was so shocked that I had said that. I had to pick my mouth up off the floor. I think he was as shocked as I was cuz he didn't have much to say after that. He had to go to the bathroom. I needed to go to the bathroom as well to wash my mouth out with soap. Oh hell, Santa was right when he told me a good bar of soap would be good for my health. Shove it in there and duct tape my mouth shut. That's exactly what I need. How did he know that? HA....

See the problem here? There has got to be a better way. You girls said I would get better at this with practice. I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse. I don't want to do this. I have got to come up with a better game plan cuz no plan isn't working out so well.

Last month at one of the shows I over heard one of the guys telling another man not to bother because I'm stingy with the pussy. Ha Ha I know it was kind of a joke but not really. Which is fine because it's true. So here comes the bitch goddess and she says, "Hell yes, I'm stingy. This is no first class ticket. You gotta work for this shit!! I'm not a doorknob where everybody gets a turn. I'm more like a casino where only the very lucky hit the jackpot". There I'm done......

Sometimes I wish I didn't have such a sex hang up.  It would be nice to just have sex for the sake of sex and nothing else. However, I'm not cut out for that sort of thing. I tried it once a long time ago and it didn't work out so well. If you've ever had a man look you in the eye and tell you he's madly in love with you but you can't use him for sex anymore and all you can do is say, "ok". You get the point loud and clear to stay away from meaningless sex. What means nothing to you, may mean everything to someone else. I will never forget it. His words still ring in my ear to this day. The worse thing about it all is, I lost a friend. It wasn't worth it. That was a one time thing and a tough lesson to learn. You've heard of friends with benefits. You know the kind you get to have great sex with no attachments, no strings and all that good stuff. Yeah? There's no such thing. That is the biggest crock of shit, complete illusion. As soon as you have sex with them they want to keep you forever. Make you their girlfriend. Then when they say crazy stuff like "I love you, and want you to be my girl" and you can't respond because your stunned stupid. And when you do respond all you can say is but...but...but... that wasn't the deal and it starts to sound like a business arrangement that went bad. No thank you. I hate drama and that is the worse kind of drama. The kind you cannot defend. Nope, I'm not cut out for that crap. Note to self: No Meaningless Sex!!! Meaningless sex isn't very fulfilling but it did take the edge off of no sex. Until he lost his mind, that is. So, I chose not to go down that road ever again.

I find myself single again. I've had no sex and haven't been with anybody for almost 18 months now. I'm sexually deprived and it stinks. I don't mean like regular stinks. I mean it's over the top, this stinks so bad I can't believe how bad it stinks STINKS. And my ex  thought I couldn't hold out for more than two days. HA, what does he know? I can't have casual sex because I have issues. I can't date because I have picky issues. I have my moments of loneliness but really I don't give a damn if I'm single for several more years or a lifetime. Being single definitely has it's benefits. Nothing is expected from you and you don't have to worry about your work getting in the way. It's not good for full scale dinners, sharing, caring, cuddling, sex, moving heavy furniture, cutting down Christmas tree's, and now thinking about it a host of other things too. I guess it's not good for much but I can be me. You know, it's not all that bad either though. See this is what you get. I can't even agree with myself. To many sides to a coin. It just depends on how you flip it. Ask me tomorrow and you'll probably get an entirely different answer. That's why I say don't bother to try to figure me out because just when you think you get it. I'll switch direction....

I've never been in tune when it comes to seeking a man to date. I've never been one to actually look for it. 99.9% of the time the "right one" could be right in front of my face and I'd never know it. It takes a magnitude of things to happen before I'd even notice that I may be interested in someone. Unfortunately, I don't allow anybody to get that close to me for the magnitude of things to happen. Not to mention the fact, I'm extremely picky. I'm picky about everything. I'm asked a lot "does it really matter"? Yes, it does matter. Everything matter's to me. Everything means something, if nothing, it means something. I'm especially picky when it comes to someone I'd actually even consider dating. I don't see the point in wasting my time and energy when I'm just not feeling it. If it's not there it's not there.

Blogging out my life and thoughts isn't helping either. Everybody doesn't read my blog. Nobody knows I'm pretty much availably unavailable. Oh my, I just had another epiphany. This is a big one and OMG I'm as slow as a damn snail. This is a coin with way to many sides and I don't know what to think about this new found epiphany. I guess to be continued.......

The Battle is Over

My ex husband and I argued a lot after we got married. I mean fought like mountain goats bashing their heads until one finally gives up. I hate drama and I absolutely hate arguing. However, when it's an issue I feel very strongly about I will defend it to the death. That marriage damn near killed me. We had many good times and lots of laughs. He has many wonderful qualities and really is an exceptional man with a good heart (most of the time). It's just the bad qualities were so bad that I couldn't ignore it any longer.

My grandmother used to tell me to be careful of getting married. She always said, they act one way but as soon as that ring goes on your finger they change. I remember thinking, why would someone change? How can a ring change how you feel, how you behave, or how you think? I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard. You know the old lady had something there. Maybe I have yet to really learn that lesson because I still think that's ridiculous. I didn't change. No piece of paper or ring would or had changed me. I guess I don't get it. I cannot wrap my mind around that concept. I think I just got unlucky on that one. Every man can't be like that. It just can't be. Can it? He knew what I did long before we even dated. He knew exactly what he was getting. It seems like as soon as I said, "I do" the battle for my soul began. He immediately had issues with my whole lifestyle. It was a huge slap in the face because I had no idea. He hated me promoting and touring. He didn't like my real estate endeavors. He didn't like my other creative sides either. I always had to explain myself. It got to the point I stopped drawing and painting because I didn't want to have to explain myself or have an argument. You know how I would know if what I was writing was up to par, if I was on the right track? When he read the manuscript he'd look up and say, "What kind of f' *in' story is this anyway?" Yup, right on track!! How sad is that? He would always ask me, why am I so dark? I'm not exactly sure what he was referring to (always dark how) and he really couldn't give me a straight answer but that was just one story. Yet, darkness is all he ever seen. It's kinda hard to be light and fluffy when the man you loved is always putting down your work. He never did understand me. He didn't like most of my friends. Not because he truly didn't like them. Because if he wasn't around what might be going on? He was so insecure. I thought in time he'd see there was nothing to worry about. I thought over time he would see that I could be trusted and his insecurities were his and had nothing to do with me. I could never make him see it, for what it was. I didn't even know he had insecurity issues until after we got married. That isn't right. I should have known all these things. He hid all of that from me until after we got married. If I had known, I would have never married him. I would have squashed that shit before it ever got started.

The first time I took him on the road with me is what killed it. You know me, I'm the same way with my man around as I am when they are not around. There is nothing I won't do or say with them standing right there that I wouldn't do otherwise. If you can't do it with your man standing there you shouldn't be doing it. It's quite simple really. But you think I could get that through his head? We come from two different worlds. He would always say to me, "I see what goes on when I'm there, so I can imagine what goes on when I'm not there". He never believed me, when I told him, that is was the same. I remember one time one of the guys had plenty to drink and decided I was getting a lap dance. I didn't know I was going to get a lap dance. He was so mad at me. He said, I just let him. Well, yeah I just let him. I was getting a lap dance whether I wanted one or not. It's not like he was naked or anything. Fully clothed and all. It was all just in fun anyhow. He was right there, if he didn't like it why didn't he stop it? I said to him, "oh, you want a hot ass lap dance"? "I'll hook it up for ya honey". Trying to lighten it up a little. He got even madder than before. Damn it, two different worlds I tell ya.

Our honeymoon is prime example. Were in the Jacuzzi tub after drinking several bottles of wine and he asks me if I still love my ex boyfriend. Let me tell you, an honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble. I said, I wasn't in love with him anymore but yes I still loved him. He was so damn pissed off. I honestly still don't understand what the big deal is. It's kind of hard to spend that much time with someone and not love them. How do you spend that much time with someone, share all the things you share and not have any love for them? It's not like I think about him. I'm not in love with any of my ex's but I still have love for them. Once again, I only make sense to myself. Why would you ask me that kind of question on your honeymoon? Damn it people, for him and for anybody else that hasn't figured it out yet. Make sure you really want my answer before you ask. I'm very good at skirting around issues that are uncomfortable for me. When I say, "I don't want to talk about it". It's not that I don't wanna talk about it. It's I'm not sure how I feel therefore I don't wanna talk about it, until I'm ready to talk about it. I need to disect it, pull it apart and examine every detail. Only then can I put the pieces back together in the right order and know how I feel and where I stand on an issue. For me, every coin has four sides. Nothing is ever easy for me because I see to many sides. Don't ask me, if your afraid of what I might say. I look at this way. If someone is asking, either they really want to know, or they already know and just want you to confirm. If I'm asked a question, I'll give an honest answer even if it is uncomfortable. I'm a "it is, what it is" kind of girl. Take it or leave it....

He rarely got mad at me for something I did. It was usually what someone else did or said. I can't control what others say and do. He said, the only reason why things didn't get out of hand was because you guys are afraid of me. Afraid of me? Little ole' me? I've never threatened anyone in my life. Ok, other than the PI that I thought was a stalker. He's just lucky I didn't nail his balls to a tree. He always thought everybody wanted to sleep with me. He said I was naive and just didn't get it. He thought someone would come along and steal me away from him. It didn't matter how much I reassured him that I chose him and he was all I wanted and needed and that nothing like that would happen. Once someone has my heart, it's theirs.When I have love for someone I'm so damn blind. I cannot see past the one who has my heart. I will put that man on a pedestal and give him all of me. Body, mind, and spirit. He should have been watering the flowers instead of plucking the petals.....

I don't give a damn what they do as long as their faithful, use common sense, and don't do anything morally messed up, it's all good. I say, let your freak flag fly. I really don't give a damn. He always took my ways, as I didn't care. I did care. I don't know how else to be. I'm not a jealous person. Seems kind of pointless to get upset if there's nothing to get upset about. We've been in arguments just because I didn't get upset over something. That kind of shit is just annoying. I don't have much patience when it comes to stupid. I don't sweat the small stuff. If I don't like something I will say something. It's in private, short, to the point, and forgotten about as quick as it started. I don't hold onto things. I get over it pretty quickly. I don't put much emphasis on drama. It's a waste of time and energy. That's how I see it. You either get it or you don't. If they don't get it maybe you shouldn't be together. If something is going on and I don't like it, I'll put a stop to it. Right then and there. Your not going to hear a bunch of static over it either. He would go on for what seemed like forever over the dumbest stuff. Sometimes he'd go on for days depending on how upset he was. I can't deal with that crap. I'd pack up some stuff and take off for a few days. When I'd return back home he was a peach until the next episode. I don't do well with crazy. It will take me about 10 - 30 seconds to say whatever I gotta say, and that's it. I'm done. You want to talk? Fine. But I'm not arguing with anybody. You can argue with yourself. I'm easy going, it's hard to get me ruffled unless you mess with my sanctuary. After listening to that crap for hours, I would think to myself; I have a bottle just for this occasion. I'll either drink it or use it as a blunt instrument.....

I tried for a long time, to be patient and show him I could be trusted. I've never once screwed up, yet I never felt like he trusted me. Sometimes I would break down and cry. Knowing that nothing I could say or do would ever change the fact he really didn't trust me. Even if it was unwarranted. None of the guys owe him any loyalty. I did, he had my loyalty. I didn't give a damn if he trusted them or not. I was the one that counted. Trust is a huge issue for me. It's the nuts and bolts of everything. I must be able to trust whoever I'm with and they must be able to trust me. Otherwise, what's the point? He would say, it wasn't me he didn't trust. It was everybody else. I didn't quite get that. How can you say you trust me yet not have any faith that I will handle any situation that may come up appropriately. It never made any difference in my mind, when he would tell me that because it didn't make any sense. Sounded like a pacifier to me.....

If I chose to date someone I will trust them whole heartedly until I have a reason not to. I have a girlfriend that absolutely does not trust her boyfriend. I won't name anybody as usual. I don't know how she does it. It would drive me crazy. The first time I feel the need to keep tabs on a man, it would be over. No trust and I'm done. It doesn't matter how much it hurts, or how much I may want to hold on. If trust is gone, get sad, get mad, and get the hell over it. I'd squash that shit without batting a lash and just like that it would be over and I'd move on. I could not handle feeling the need to ease drop on conversations, or watching everything they do, or driving around trying to find them, or checking there texts, e-mail or whatever it is you gals do. That's insane and completely messed up and I can't believe you waste your time on such. It sounds draining and a lot of stinkin' work. For what? Seems to me you'd want more for yourself. If you really put such a small value upon yourself, rest assure that no man will raise the price. Get out of the confusion, see through the illusion and find out what's important to you.

I'm not judging anybody. I'm in no position to play judge. I stayed in a relationship where I was the one not trusted. I thought I could change it, I thought I could fix it, I thought in time I'd prove myself and everything would work itself out. I was so ignorant to think I could change anything. What the hell was I thinking. Trust is trust and it swings both ways. Another tuff lesson I had to learn. I don't say things I don't mean out of anger or frustration. When someone is talking to me, I listen. I believe whatever said, to be how one truly feels. He called me a trophy wife. That was the straw that broke the camels back. After all the BS, I had been through trying to make our marriage work and make him happy. I almost lost myself. I almost gave up everything. For what? To be reduced to a trophy wife? I don't think so. That's what it took for me to draw the line. It was just a matter of time anyway. I felt like I was drowning faster than I could swim. I tried to plant the seed in his head to leave me many times. I wanted it to be his idea. My illusion of the sacred "ever after" kept me bound. Marriage is suppose to be forever and I didn't want to be the one to walk away. I don't think he would have ever left me. I don't think any of them would have ever left. Why do I always have to be the one to make the difficult life altering decisions. He said he didn't mean it. That he was just angry. It didn't matter anymore. It didn't matter if he meant it or not. I completely lost it. You have no idea how that went through me. It was like he just cut my heart out of my chest. It broke my heart. I told him it was over and I was leaving. He was still angry and said, "go ahead and leave". "I'll just find you and bring your ass back home". He had always said, he really didn't know me. He really didn't. He taught me not to allow him to "really" know me. So he's going to find me and bring my ass back home huh? That's what he thought. Nobody's going to find me unless I want to be found. I walked out the door with two suitcases and fled to Honduras. I studied culture, studied the Mayans, wrote and cried a lot. I went to the last place I thought anybody would think to look. You weren't going to find me at my parents house, or any of my friends house, or any of the festivals, concerts, or on any tour bus. I was so heart broken and mad. It took all of those six weeks to get my head together and get over it. I didn't want to come back with a big chip on my shoulder. I didn't want to come back sad either. I came back cold as ice. My heart didn't belong to him anymore. I was emotionless, numb, with a heart of ice. That's not good either but I ran out of time. Had to come back at some point. I would have been down there for over a year if I waited for my heart to thaw. I wanted to be done with him and move on as quickly as possible without incident. You know once my mind is made up, that's it. Might as well be penned in blood.

When my old boyfriend pissed me off with his lying and cheating. After he left to go tour, I packed my stuff and moved to NYC. I moved to the other coast. From Cali to NY. As far away from him as I could get and still be in the country. Then of course there's my move to Arizona, Seattle, and Germany too. I can do my thing, make a decent living, and be me, where ever I choose to live. That has never been a problem. I have a tendency when things get so bad there's no point of return. I burn everything to the ground. Set it on fire and watch it all burn. It's all part of the process. Death, renewal, and rebirth. It a means to an end. It's a new beginning, a fresh start. I guess I have taught you all to be fearful of me fleeing if I get a bug up my ass. For that, I am truly sorry. I have a restless spirit. I welcome new experiences. I love to learn new things and live in new places. I could never consent to creep when I feel the impulse to soar....

I'm the great lover and the great destroyer. I used to laugh at that but I suppose the more I think about it. It's pretty accurate. When I'm in love It's all passions fire. I'll wrap myself around their soul, caress it, and make love to it. I'll build it up. Nurture and support it. Water it and tend to it everyday with all I have. I take great pleasure in pleasing my mate. I'll hold on until it bleeds. Once my illusion has been destroyed I'll burn it all to the ground. Just watch it burn. The castle, the copse, the gardens, the flowers and the trees. It all goes up in flame. I will stand there in the middle of what used to my kingdom. I am the Queen of these barren lands. I stand still like the mountain and flow like a great river. As I look around at the destruction, I weep. My fire will drown out the rain. I see, the smoke and ash. It is all black and charred. There is no beauty here anymore. It smells of death. The taste of ash is so heavy it dries my mouth to utter silence. I'm cold and emotionally unavailable. I feel nothing, just a strange kind of nothing, where it used to be me......  

Oh Christmas Tree

 I decided to go cut my own Christmas tree. I wanted the biggest tree I could find. It's times like this that having a man around would be beneficial but since I don't have one of those I took a small chain saw and off I went. I suppose I didn't think it through very well cuz I cut a 20 foot tree then couldn't pick it up. I called one of my friends that lives close to the tree farm to help me but he couldn't pick it up either. In the end it took two men and myself to get that damn tree in the truck, then in the house. You should have seen them trying to net the tree. It was so big we couldn't push it though the net machine. Guess not to many people are in the market for 20 foot trees. When we got the tree in the house and untied the rope it popped open. Let me tell you that tree is a lot bigger inside than what it was outside. It's massive and takes up over a quarter of my living room. Glad I have a big living room otherwise it would only have a tree in it. Yesterday I watched all the coven kids along with a few others that don't live on the compound so the crew could go see Chris Cornell in Ann Arbor. I had a slumber party. What a great time I had with the kids!! The first thing we did was decorate the tree. Except I forgot to put the star on the tree before the guys stood it up and left. I thought I'd try to get the star on myself. It's difficult to put a star on a 20 foot tree that is almost as big around as it is tall. I thought with my flexibility and balance I can get the star on all by myself Arabesque style. Yeah, right..... I ended up ridding the Christmas tree down to the floor. That was a great laugh for all of us. You know when stuff like that happens, other stuff like oh shit, comes out of your mouth. I do try to be the best influence for the kids as possible. Danny says, "You can swear. My dad does it all the time". Hahaha (yeah, I know.) So then my big heavy tree was laying on it's side on my floor. I had to stand it back up, so I rigged a pulley system and hoisted that big ass tree back up. Yes, I can be very inventive when I need to be. The kids did a great job at decorating the tree. We played hide and seek. Which turned into hide, sneak up on someone, and scare the crap out of em'. We ate pizza, and made Carmel apples. Then I mentioned playing video games. Which turned into how bout we play Rock Band, which turned into Rock Band is only for people who really don't know how to rock!!! Hell Yeah, that's my girl. So, I took them all downstairs and we really rocked. We have some ridiculously talented kids. You can tell who their parents are, that's for sure. Hey, at least their being raised appropriately... Musically anyway {wink}.

I have a big bedroom that I turned into a huge walk in closet for all my costumes and stuff. I have enough stuff that anybody can play dress up at my house. The boys didn't really wanna play dress up but they did however say they'd like to see me in my cat woman outfit. What I wanna know is how do the boys even know I have a cat woman outfit? That outfit is still a hot topic several years later except I shouldn't be having that conversation with kids that are all under 10 yrs. old. Jayden professed his love to me before bed. He bought me a red wood rose with his allowance money that he gave to me while telling me how much he loves me. He wants to take me out on a date to Mc Donalds. He told me I was way to pretty to be single and that he will marry me when he is old enough. I told him, I was way to old for him and by the time he's old enough to marry I'd be an old lady. He then told me, he like's older woman and that's how he rolls..... Hahaha I kid you not and he's 7. Like I said, you can tell who their parents are. Sweet, cute as hell little Jayden. I just love that kid. He's pretty romantic for a 7 yr. old.  To bad he's not a least 25 - 35 yrs. older.....

 

A turn in the path

and there it stood

in a valley

in the middle of the woods.

 

A little old house

so pretty and quaint

with a multitude of colors

that didn't come from paint.

 

The window frames were chocolate

with meringue for the sills

pink candy tiles covered the roof

framed by the surrounding hills.

 

Cinnamon donuts were the bricks

that formed all the walls

piled one atop the other

'til they reached ten feet tall.

 

The heart shaped pond in front

was filled to the brim with coke

and rising from the chimney

was cotton candy smoke!!

 

I sampled sills and windows

bit off doorknobs with delight

I feasted on that house

'til I looked a sticky fright.

 

Then craving the cinnamon donuts

I pulled some from a wall

but to my horror it trembled

and slowly began to fall.

 

I threw up my hands in front of me

and awoke with a scream

the taste was still so strong in my mouth

yet it must have been a dream......