Philosophy?

Philosophy? Yes, I have many and could probably keep you here a very long while explaining my philosophy, my take on.....well, everything! I do look at the world through a different pair of glasses then most of society. However, most of society isn't afflicted with my cured gifts. I take a look at most things from a spiritual metaphysical point of view and then fight with my logical side. Sometimes hours, days, weeks, years, a lifetime. I am without a doubt in a constant battle with myself. I was definitely born under the wrong sign for these cursed gifts. My deep sensibility and the need to be logical almost always clashes with my metaphysical self. Although, I'm most comfortable in the metaphysical world. There is much that I don't know and am still learning my craft and trying to do something good with it.

 It is very frustrating seeing some of the things I see. Not able to tell exactly WHAT I'm seeing and feeling can be quite scary. You want to be able to do something to help, to warn of the destruction that is to come yet the not knowing is there. You can't warn when your not sure WHO. You can't help when you don't know  WHAT the mission is. My hands are tied most of the time. Restraint and confinement comes to mind. I absolutely go crazy with the thought of helplessness, restraints and confinement. I don't trust the government and my ideals are very different from what is reality. This world would be completely different if I was in charge. It would be Alice in Wonderland all over again but better. I have many reasons for not trusting the government but one that always stuck in the back of my head was what "The Aunts" have taught me. The Aunts have taught me, that I cannot trust government and should be fearful for as if they stumble upon any of US we could be enslaved to them for greed, espionage, and used in the wrong way. The ugly side of humanity sort of speak. Which undeniably would not be in any of our best interest. I am a free bird. Born to fly. I must have freedom or I die. Mentally, physically, and metaphysically. Maybe, in part that is why I live on the edge. You know my motto: "I don't want to push you over the edge, I just want you to enjoy the edge". It is all or nothing. Go big or go home. Push it to the limits. I'm not a sheep, I'm a wolf among sheep trying to open your eyes to a much bigger, expansive, world. Where we have much more power than most can fathom.

There is much more than what you SEE. Most of you see the coin two sided. I see every coin four sided. There are many sides to everything. I dissect it, pick it apart, explore it, know it, become it, then put it in the right order and super glue that shit back together again. Being in my head is absolutely exhausting. I can get exhausted by doing absolutely nothing but thinking. It is very tiring to be me. There has got to be a reason I can communicate with the dead. A reason I see, feel, hear, know what I know. What is my purpose? How can I serve us all better with my gifts? I still don't know. Maybe I am just to secretive. I'm really not all that secretive. I'm quietly an open book really. I may not be outright with it but if you ask you shall receive. If your afraid of what I might say, think twice. I'm not good at the spare the feelings thing. You may not like the answer you get but it will be an honest one.

Like I said I'm very careful who I let into my world. Surrounding myself with the right people is very important. Picking the right mate is equally important. It's like trying to find the needle in the haystack. This time I'm certain to get it right. What you have is a Queen without a King. Three times a charm. Right? I like my quiet, tranquil, little life and I don't want anything disrupting it. I will always be very careful who I let into my world. If red flags that are not conducive to me appear I'm gone and for good reason, I protect myself. I cut out the useless and wasteful. It is very easy for me and I won't bat a lash. It takes a special type of person to be able to handle me. As far as the sexy French man goes. I may have shitty timing but I'm not wrong about this. I know in my heart of hearts, I'm not wrong. He may not know it, but I know it. Sure, I don't know what to do about it. It will work itself out, I suppose. I told you guys I would find a way to open the door to tell him about my cursed gifts. I did open the door. Now whether he chooses to walk through it is altogether another thing. We will see.....

I know you all love me, look upon me as your Queen, the Oracle, the all seeing eye and would do almost anything for me but I also know I scare the shit out of you guys often enough. Hell, I scare myself often enough. My intentions are pure that has never been questioned. Now I have this NEW thing. What is it? How did it happen? Why? I've been hearing the dead for years. I can deal with dead. Dead is dead and residual energy from another life. Yeah, I get that. I have lots to draw from when it comes to dead and there energy. But, never have I tapped into a single live being and there emotions. Sure, I see and feel things that are to come but that is different. Different because it's usually a major incident and I feel as a mass not as a individual. Did he do that? Or did I do that? Maybe we both did that? What is happening to me? My curious nature and the need to explore wants me probe further. Yet my, Oh no you don't. Leave him alone, that is wrong to the core to invade someone's psyche is saying NO!!! I don't know what happened and I don't know what is happening to me? Can I control it? I don't know? Constant battle I tell ya.......

In keeping with that theme, it's my search for meaning that is also a focal point. By virtue of exploring my world, I start to grasp everything that is available to me. It all boils down to understanding. Understanding what I see and feel, and probing further in hopes of realizing true meaning. Through higher education of my metaphysical self, I have the hopes of understanding concepts and theories that will enhance my world and therefore all of you as well. Whether it's philosophy or psychology, or other worldly things it all reminds me that I and everybody I bring into my world are on a voyage of discovery. I know I'm not an easy one to tame, can be quite wild at times, never know where you might end up, or what demons we may face together. I know, I'm complicated and just when you think you get it I change direction. Harder to keep up with than Glen Danzig as you say...lol Although, your all better for it and know it as I will open your eyes to what you've been programmed to not see, and not understand. Along this road, we will come face-to-face with our ideals and further shape our selves and ethics. Another approach to a clearer understanding of life, and more importantly, of the unknown, it's through spirituality. Understanding and accepting that which is greater than us, and our world, is key.......

Sadly, I might not always be humble in the face of what I have. A concrete understanding of the possibilities in my life sometimes leads to ruthless ambition, and an over-expansion of the self and my coven. To face these demons most effectively, I institute my own set of  laws. These laws provide the orderly and positive growth of myself. In much the same way, philosophy and religion help add focus and purpose. Religion..... I always try to steer clear of religion as I have my own. I believe in many aspect of many different cultures and many different religions. None have it completely right. They all have bits and pieces right (in my opinion). How we all relate to each other, and knowing and respecting the laws by which are lived are core tenets......

The way in which I expand my inner and outer life is also important to me. Travel and interaction with other people and cultures are a means to an end. My dreams, those that illustrate my past as well as those that speak to future, also help me mold my being and my relationships. Taking this a step further, psychics as the bearers of relevant information also come into play. At the end of the day, however, I am best described as philosophically inclined in the search for meaning and truth......

I'd like to be an open book

and let you in to take a look

but will you treat my pages with care?

Will you respect what you find in there?

Will you take the time to understand my story?

Delve into my depths to find my glory?

Or put me aside 'til I become dusty?

Lose interest then wonder why I'm musty?

Will you be gentle with my cover?

Run your hands over me as a lover?

Or will you be careless with my reams?

Splitting me open at the seams?

Few are those who opened my pages

Discovering me through many stages

I open myself gradually with much delight

but always they want to change parts not right.

Yet still I'd like to be an open book

and let you inside me to take a look

but my leaves are becoming marked and worn

better you leave me closed than torn.....

Half Hour in my Mind

 I may have over reacted yesterday. After posting the photo Victoria Secret chose. I got a flood of messages from men that I don't know asking me out, asking for sex, telling me how hot I am, or what they want to do to me, asking me to call them, and/ or meet for drinks. I'm not just some bimbo that looks good in a bikini. This is why I like to lurk in the shadows. Also why I prefer not to be in the spotlight anymore. I would rather be behind the scenes backing the ones I love and my friends. I would rather do the footwork for others and make their dreams come true. I've gone above and beyond to make it as difficult as possible for anybody that doesn't know me to figure out WHO I really am. I have more alias, pen names, and stage names than anybody I know. So far it's worked pretty well for me. Not to many have figured it out. Most by chance or by someone they know that knows things. Yet, I sometimes forget that I have fans and people that don't know me on facebook. That page is for my family and friends only. It's when I post a picture or something that the dogs come out of the woodwork. It's like that little pink thing hanging out. Eeewww.....This is why you don't see many pictures of me on there. The only one's who commented or "liked" my photo were my true friends. The others sent me stupid messages. Those kind of messages is why I don't have anything to do with the web pages and e-mails. I guess I can't handle that "kind" of attention. I don't want it. To be honest, messages like that offend me. Nobody talks to me like that. Those guys obviously have no idea what it's like to court a lady. I mean, really what were they thinking? Did they actually think I was gonna say, ok here's my address why don't you come over and bone me or something? One even asked me why I play hard to get? {Screams} I don't play hard to get, I am hard to get and your tactics stink!!!! I wanted to go through my friends list and delete everybody I don't know but I can't stick them all in the fucked up box. I suppose that would be unfair to the one's who are nice and don't say stupid things to me. So, I posted a public message telling them all to knock it off and go away. Then I messaged each one of them with the web link and deleted them from my friends. Thank you Dave for handling my e-mails and web pages. Also, thank you for not telling me what kind of messages I get. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I sure couldn't deal with that crap everyday........

On a lighter note, I leave this afternoon for New Orleans then off to Montreal. When I get back home from these shows I'm going to rest a few days, do some trick or treating with the the Compound kids then I'm leaving for a while. I gotta get out of here, and clear my head. I don't know where I'm going or when I'll be back. I assure you I won't be gone for months or anything. I will stay in the country so no worries. (Dave) I will be back in time for the Nov. shows. I'll have my phone but as usual it won't be turned on unless I have to for some reason or another. I'll be checking my facebook daily so you all can catch me there if you want to. I have questions that I need answered and I'm not getting them here. I keep loosing weight and that is not good for me.  I really haven't been taking good care of myself lately. I have no room for anymore weight loss. I'm now down to 108 and can't seem to get a handle on it. I think I have to much going on right now. My head is overloaded with way to much stuff. I'm a very mixed up girl right now and I think that's part to blame for this weight issue. I want to get lost. Really truly lost. Maybe then I'll be able to answer these questions and find myself again. You know, this open thing really is good for me. I had no idea it would be this good for me or maybe I would have tried a long time ago. It seems, when I write whatever it is I'm writing about, getting it out makes me whole. I'm finding that I have stuffed many issues way down deep inside and forgot about them. Lately, it's all coming to the surface. One after another. I forgot about these things you see. I'm done with pushing things down inside. From here on out I'll deal with them as they come. It took a long time for me to truly deal with the loss of my grandfather. I love him and miss him terribly. After my post My Bleeding Heart I cried for days but I'm good now. It's been dealt with and put to bed. Well, it's kind of put to bed. He keeps telling me, "The risk that might break you is also the one that might set you free". I don't know what this means to me. It could be several things, it could be all things, I need to figure out what this means to me. I've been thinking about it for over a week and still don't have a clue. When I write about all these things it's my way of truly dealing with it. You know, I had thought on several posts that maybe it wasn't a good idea. Echo's of my past was the first good bad idea. I got some back lash that I didn't want to defend. I hate being the cause of someone else's pain. Never less, he did attempt to choke the life out of me and I just laid there without a fight and let him. When he got no reaction he stopped. He had slowly killed me over the years. I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at myself for allowing it to happen. You can't kill what is already dead!! I'm over him and all the bullshit that went with it. I was over it long before I left.

 The post Logic Vs. Metaphysics is another that was difficult for me. When your a sensitive and you feel everything sometimes it's hard to tell what is yours. Sometimes they become entwined and it confuses me. Although, after writing that, I was at peace. Nothing was racing through my head, so it seemed I answered all my own questions and was ok with what I found. I was so at peace none of the other stuff that's been trampling my mind even came up. In fact, I had nothing to say about anything for days. I haven't had peace like that is such a long time. Of course, I knew it wouldn't last. Couldn't last because of the odd nature of it all. I knew after writing that post it wouldn't be over. You guys just have more questions. Things I hadn't really thought about. Then the thing that happened last week. It just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I don't want to invade his personal space. I don't want to be the cause of anything unpleasant for him. I don't know what happened but I'm afraid it will happen again and I don't know how to stop it. I already feel like I've wronged him in several ways. I accidently invade his personal space and I post this stuff about him and he doesn't know it. You guys think he should know how I feel and should know about my cursed gift. He (kinda) does know how I feel. I may have been vague but he knows things about things. He knows I think he's beautiful inside and out. He knows I think he's brilliant. He knows I want to meet him. He knows I want to get to know him better. I have already told him all these things. It wouldn't surprise me if he knew more than what I think. Especially after last weeks incident. I'd be willing to bet he's got some crazy intuition or something. As far as telling him more of what I "feel"....What the hell am I suppose to tell him? What the hell would I say? You can't just tell someone you don't know all this. What is he suppose to do with that kind of information. How does one respond to something like that? I just can't do that to him. He has enough going on without me adding to it. I'll tell you what. I will find a way to tell him about my cursed gift but that's as far as I'm willing to go at this point. Unless he asks of course. I will not lie to him but I don't want to boggle his mind with my metaphysical mumbo. And NO, I'm not afraid he can't handle it. I'm more afraid I can't handle it.......

I don't know where I'm going but I'll be heading west. I'm taking my kite and board, my ski's, and scuba gear. Before you all say, your not suppose to do any of that alone. I know this and I'm doing it anyway so save your breath. The worse that could happen is I become shark bait. I'm ok with that. If the last thing I hear is the ocean calling, I'll die where I'm meant to be......

I plan on addressing all my demons and all that keeps me up at night. I'm going to try to post something on here daily so you can read through my struggles. I'm not sure what all is going to come up. By the time I make it back home I hope to have found peace and put the demons to rest. This will be a trip of personal reflection. Nope, I'm not traditional, nor conventional but loyalty runs through my veins like a river.........

People hide the wounds that you cannot see

Beneath shallowness and cruelty

Hard barriers to stop you getting in

It's safer not to risk pain again

Those walls get built and you don't even know

It seems safe inside but they don't let you grow

They close out the joy as well as the pain

Would you give up the sunshine to get rid of the rain?

They form a prison and keep you inside

Solitary confinement for the real you to hide

Inside this prison you shrivel and bleed

Until one day it's more painful than breaking free

Then demolishing of the walls has to start

And you begin to make the journey to your heart

Out on a Limb

I'm so far out, on a very thin limb. I'm about as vulnerable as one could get. As you know for me that is very unsettling. I have absolutely no experience in this field at all. I have nothing to draw from. Nothing like this has ever happened before so I just don't know. All I know is, he feels right. It may be one sided. More like, probably is one sided but you can't fault him for that. Unless he can feel it, the cosmos, and feel me shimmering upon his mind how the hell would he know?

Speaking of shimmering upon his mind. Just for the record, I didn't do this on purpose furthermore I don't even know how I did it. It just happened. You know how I dream things, remember them and later they come to pass? You know how sometimes I have a flash of major déjà  then I know what's going to happen just before it happens? Well, seems I may have a new cursed gift or maybe he's the only one who's been able to pull it out of me. This is so strange. Last week I was sitting at the computer writing. Out of nowhere, not thinking about him or anything I had what I can only describe as a flash of déjà. Except I didn't see (only feel) things, it was like I could feel his thoughts or emotions or something. I don't know how, but I know they were his. I'm not sure what it was. It's hard to explain someone else's emotions. They weren't mine so I'm not sure but it felt to me like overload, extreme busy, tired, possibly frustrated, ready to call it a day/ night, all the above sort of thing. I got this flood of stuff. Then it was like he knew I was there or something. A big thick dark wooden door slammed in on me. It was like someone slamming a door in your face. It slammed so hard it (literally) knocked me out of my chair. I fell backwards out of my chair onto the floor and hit the back of my head so hard I'm surprised I don't have a concussion. I've NEVER had anything like that happen before. Either he knew I was there and didn't want me there or subconsciously I didn't want to be there. One of us slammed that door. I'm not sure who, but I'd be ok if that didn't happen again......

I wanted to reach out to him on facebook or something. I couldn't put my finger on it but  I could feel something wasn't right. I can't help but want to make it better but I couldn't even try because I didn't know what to say. What do you say, I can feel from 2,000 miles away something is wrong? Yeah, ok..... Some one slammed that door and I'm sure not going to keep knocking. So, I left it alone.....

So lonely sometimes

Yearning for someone to understand
Someone who'll care for me
Just for who I am
Someone who'll share with me
Who they really are
I believe I'll find it someday
But right now it seems so far
Why do I have this hunger inside?
Is life just a long lonely ride?
Or does the wait make you appreciate it more
when you find the one you've been waiting for?
I only know I won't settle for second best
I've have a pale imitation of love and now
I want the rest.....

My Bleeding Heart

Born March 11, 1927 -  Died March 11, 2001. Yes, on his birthday 10 years ago. My grandfather passed away. He was a brilliant man, with an unbelievable imagination and the gift to make great music. He was a philosopher, actor, artist, writer, and musician. I was his shadow, looked up to him. Wanted to be just like him when I grew up. In my eyes he could do no wrong. As I think of him tears streak down my face. How I miss that man with a passion. One of the smartest men I've ever known. Always seemed he could answer every question I ever had no matter how uncomfortable the topic. I can tell you, and my mother would agree that as a child I had some pretty tuff questions. I would ask things most children wouldn't be thinking, let alone asking. No topic was taboo or off limits. He and I did everything together right to his last breath.

He also had a passion for travel, love of different cultures, and the arts. Sometimes we'd be out of the country and sometimes within. When we were in the States we'd take his motor home. I call it the bus because it was just like a tour bus but better stocked and not so many riders. In the summer when school was out we'd take off cross country. We never made it back till just before school was to start again. We would go from city to city seeing the sights, show's, plays, experiencing all the beauties of the land and the people. He would drive of course and I his co-pilot. I'd sit there playing my guitar while he drove. He'd listened to me play, instruct me and give me tips. I remember several times I'd be screwing it up so he'd pull over, right there on the side of whatever highway or back road to show me or start talking music theory. I remember (a few years before he passed) laying under the stars out in the desert at night, stars so bright, so close if felt like you could reach out and touch them. I would tell him what I see in my dreams. We would talk about all kinds of unconventional stuff. We would talk for hours and he'd never get bored. He always had a unique way of seeing things. He could always keep my interest no matter what the topic. I love my grandfather and miss him something terrible.

When his life force had extinguished he left me all his cultural artifacts from around the world, the bus, instruments, paintings, equipment and a few hundred acres of wooded land. The money was divided up equally between his children and grandchildren. He knew I didn't care about money so he didn't leave me any. He left me all the good stuff that nobody but me really cared about anyway. I got his legacy, they got the money and all is well. I was with him when he crossed over whispering in his ear the way home. I sang to him until he quit breathing. It took me several years to even be able to cry. I don't think I started the grieving process till three years after his death. It was just too painful, I went numb and pushed it way down deep inside me where it sat and waited.

A lot of things have changed since his passing. I have dealt with the loss as best I know how and have found some inner peace. He's always with me in spirit, his light shimmers through me, forever and always. I am the woman I am today because of his influence. He taught me the ways of the world. The soul always knows how to heal itself. The problem is silencing the mind......

I've moved all over the country and I've traveled this plant from corner to corner in search of something. Still to this day I don't know what I'm searching for. I'm a restless spirit, always looking for the next adventure, searching for my place in this world. What do you do when nowhere really feels like home? What do you do when you only make sense to yourself? What do you do when you see things and know things others don't? What do you do when your heart aches for a man it probably can't have? I'm not running away from anything. I might be running towards something. I don't know. As I write and think about this, all I can do is cry. I've cried so many tears I could fill the ocean's. I've been searching for the needle in the haystack. For me, who's woes are legion all I really want is the same peace I had when it was he and I. He understood me. Even when he didn't  understand, he would take the time to understand. Open minded, gentle, kind, and the best man I've ever known. I want him back! His light always guided me and now that light is extinguished and nothing will ever be the same.....

I had never been as happy and so at peace than when I was with him. The world made more sense back then. He knew how to silence my fears and quiet the nightmares. He was everything that was good and right. He still speaks to me but my sorrow keeps it to a muffled whisper. I can hear him say, "The risk that might break you, is also the one that might set you free". I don't know what that means to me........

The ground is full of broken stones
The last leaf has fallen
I have nowhere to turn now
Not east, not west, north or south

And all that's ahead of me
And everything I know
I know nothing
So bring me home

Put me on a plate with petals and a fire
And send me out to sea
Turn my angry sword against my heart
And let me free

The dawn holds the heaviness of the night
I've heard the restless sighs and lovers lies
The brook, the beach and seen the devil's eyes
So bring me home

I've cried for the lives I've lost
Like a child in need of love

Oh, I've been so close but far away from God
My tears flow like a child's in need of love
I've cried the tears so let the tide take me
I won't fight, I've cried the tears

The small step I need to take is a mountain
Stretched out like a lazy dog
Send me to slaughter
Lay me on the railway line

I'm far away from God
My tears flow like a child's in need of love
I've cried the tears so build the fire
And light the flame, bring me home

 

Why Sleep Just Paint

Nothing is going on that I can't sleep. I woke up Wednesday morning full of inspiration so I starting writing. I have three pieces I'm working on for the blog in addition to my novel and novella. I've been a writing machine lately. Started out the morning writing and by late afternoon I was tired of writing so I played my guitar for a few hours then decided to paint. I started painting the man of my dreams and forgot to eat, I forgot to sleep. I suppose I was so wrapped up in my work I forgot the world even exists. By the time I realized maybe I should go to bed, it was time to get up so I just stayed up. By the time Thursday evening rolled around I was so damn tired I was getting cranky. I haven't had any disturbing dreams in over two weeks. Lately my dreams remind me of what's missing in my life......

Peaceful waters within my mind

Where I can leave confusion behind
To float in quiet, tranquil quarters
Within my mind, peaceful waters

I sail on the slowest brainwaves

In and out of secret caves
The world outside begins to pale
On the slowest brainwaves I sail

Becoming a part of the cosmic sea

Attuning to the energy
Sweet serenity fills my heart
Of the cosmic sea becoming a part

Inspiration flowing through me

As I see so much more clearly
Infused with a sense of knowing
Through me inspiration flowing.

Cheater and the Lunatic

A couple of weeks ago one of my girlfriends came over to my house with a man she works with. At first it didn't register but it didn't take long for me to understand that they were more than just co-workers. This friend of mine is co-habituating and in a relationship with another friend and has been for a few years. What am I to do with that, I ask myself? I know I don't approve. I surely can't allow her to hang out at my house with some fling from work. If I allow her and that man to stay at my house that means I'm ok with it. Which also would make me as guilty as her. I pulled her aside and told her she couldn't stay here with that man. They both had to go, with a quickness! I just don't feel it's right and I don't want any part of it. Why the hell would anybody do that? Why bring him here? Of all the places to go, she comes here? That makes no sense to me. Everybody knows I don't do the cheating thing, it won't fly, and your probably going to get some backlash and some flack for it. It don't make sense and I don't like it. We've all been hurt at some point in our lives. I know I have. I've been cheated on, I've been lied to, I've been deceived. It's emotionally draining and I don't understand why anybody would do that to someone they say they love. That isn't love and if it is I'm good with that. I mean, I get the whole lust thing and all. I'm no stranger to lust but damn do you not have any self control or what? I've never done the cheating thing so I wouldn't know by personal experience but it seems to me that it would be a lot of work, the cover up, the lies, the guilt, and everything that goes with it. What do you say to yourself to justify your actions? I guess I'm just not cut out to be a deceiver. If you wouldn't tell your parents, your friends, your lover, or if it's a big secret maybe you shouldn't be doing it. That's all I'm saying. If you have to hide it, it's not worth it. Do onto others as you want done onto you. It quite simple really!!

I've already talked to her about my feeling on this subject. I never asked her why she did it, I really don't care. It makes no difference to me. If your unhappy get out before you start something new. If not put up and act right. Be true to yourself and your lover. There is peace and comfort when your conscience is clear and your true to yourself and those around you. It's not like me to nag, bitch or complain more than just once. I've said all that I'm going to say. It's none of my business but she kind of made it my business when she brought him here. I don't like judging people or putting them in some classification or in some little box of fuck ups or whatever you wanna call it. I don't think I'm better than anyone else or without flaws. I just hold myself to a higher standard than that......

Night before last I was invited to my cheater friends home along with another girlfriend. We had dinner and a few drinks then her boyfriend came home. He was a raging lunatic. I've never seen that side of him before. She has told me a few stories but until you actually witness it for yourself you don't really have a clue. He screamed, ranted and raved for what seemed like forever. My first instinct was to get the hell out of there but I couldn't leave her with a mad man. Who knows what he may do. I've never seen somebody so out of control. I don't like men that beat there chest and get loud in an attempt to make a point. I can't speak for her but that would never work for me. In fact, that would be a one time thing and he'd be part of the past. I would dump him so quick his head would spin. How the hell she puts up with that crap is beyond me. I still couldn't tell you what he said and I'm an excellent listener. I didn't hear anything he said, in one ear and out the other. All I could think is what an ass hat!!!  It must have shown all over my face cuz he then yelled at me and I didn't say or do anything. I stood there with that OMFG your such an idiot. I can't believe how much of an ass you are look on my face. He had me all kinds of ruffled. I don't do raging lunatic. If you have something to say why can't you just sit her down and say it like a normal person. Why would you do it in front of your friends? I don't get it. I just don't understand how one thinks that blowing up will solve anything. You know, I'm pretty calm and cool most of the time. It takes a lot to get me stirred up. I hate to argue, I'll discuss anything until we can come to some kind of mutual understanding that both can live with. I like some kind of resolve though. Even if we agree to disagree. I'm ok with that but I'm not sure what happened over there. All logic went right out the window. After listening to him rant over I'm not even sure what for far to long I had enough. He slammed his fist down on the counter and yelled, "That is it". I have a sharp tongue and I'd been biting it for long enough. He got to see a part of me he's never seen before. The bitch goddess once again reared her head and said, "Your right, that is it"! "Enough! you sit down and shut your mouth. I've heard all I'm gonna hear for one night." He got the riot act like I suppose nobody's giving him before. It probably wasn't my place but damn, how much more can one take. I had more than what I could handle and was DONE. I don't blow very often but when I do it's usually a crowd stopper. No one said a damn word after that. It was nice and quiet, you could hear a pin drop. I'm not a yeller, I'm very good at making a strong impact and making my point.

 
I wish I hadn't been there to witness his blow up. I don't see him in the same light as I did. I don't know if I'll ever look at him the same way again. I don't know how she can lay next to someone who says such hurtful things. I couldn't do it........ 

Stalk or not to Stalk

I thought I had a stalker and I'm happy to announce that I kind of had a stalker but not in the sense of how we all think of stalkers. Two weeks ago, was a difficult week. I suppose I just had enough. I knew some guy was lurking in my woods. Initially the whole thought creeped me out. I didn't want to go out into my own woods, have bon-fires, or anything to do with anything outside because I was fearful of whom was out there and what there intention might be. A good stalker that does his or her homework would quickly find out I'm probably not a good person to stalk. Fear never lasts long with me. I will never stand idle and wait for something to happen.

I live a pretty quiet life other than when I'm working, promoting, working a show, or letting loose with the crew. I like peaceful tranquility. I play my music, guitar, and piano. Work on my novel, write my blogs, mess around on facebook, sometimes draw, and read daily. You can't see my house from the road. You have to either be let in or have a pass code to drive back here or climb over a tall wall and take a hike. When I have a fire you can see it for miles. I like fire, and my fires are big. Sometimes I'll have several fires going at the same time. One in the fireplace, one on the patio, and one in the pit. I've always been drawn to fire. Fire and water. I can loose myself either way.

I live away from the city, out in the country near the slope. I've lived in some big city somewhere for many years. Now that I can afford to do what I want and live wherever I want, I choose the country. It's not as convenient as the city but that's the only down side (well, you know other than thinking there's a creep in your woods). This is where I'm meant to be. I don't have to worry about annoying my neighbors with my guitar or music, I don't have to worry about my neighbors thinking I'm going to burn down the neighborhood with my fires. I don't have to worry about my friends peeing on the neighbors flowers and killing them or passing out on the lawn or howling at the moon or at each other. I don't have to worry about the neighbors bitching because I smoke so much pot that it emanates from my house. I don't have to worry about the windows, and making my neighbors weird because I run around half naked. Come to think of it, I think that's how I got my last stalker....

Live and learn, soooo........ I MOVED TO THE COUNTRY!!! On any givin day I am only me and I don't see any of that changing anytime soon.

The previous week wasn't good. I just had enough disappointments and everything else, and nothing was going as planned. The bitch goddess reared her head and decided to stalk my stalker just to shake things up a bit. I knew that bastard was out in my woods. I don't play very nice when someone invades my personal space. My personal space may span over several hundred acres but damn it I'm not called the little witch in the woods for nothin'. My brother and I geared up and went after him. It didn't take us long to find him. He didn't even know we were coming. Shitty stalker if you ask me. Let's just say, I'm scarier than him. I made him give me his wallet and found he's a damn PI. Can you frickin' believe it. I almost chopped the head off a regular ole Joe.

My ex hired him to follow me, to find out what I'm up to. Why does he even care? He has done everything under the sun to prolong the inevitable. It's so highly unlikely that I would change my mind about anything. Did he really think he was going to learn something he didn't already know?  He really shouldn't give me that much power. I didn't think he'd do something so ridiculous. He should know better, or maybe he doesn't know better. I don't even give a damn. This shit is over, I've been over it long before it was over. I suppose if that's what he needs to give him peace. I get it, I don't like it, but I get it. I just can't believe he wasted that much money to find out what he already knew. I also can't believe the determination of the PI. I mean to get close to me or follow me, now that is real work there. He got his workout now didn't he? I bet I'm the hardest case he's ever had. Men are strange creatures and do strange things.

I let the PI go since he wasn't a stalker after all. He did call the police on me though. The police came to my home. Didn't get past the front gate but they came none the less and hassled me about threatening the PI. That bastard is lucky I didn't stake his scrotum to a tree......

Logic vs. Metaphysics

This is another taboo subject for me. I don't like discussing how I feel and it's hard when I don't understand what I'm feeling. Harder yet when I don't like all the aspects. I'd  like to push it way down inside me and pretend it's not there but that isn't going to work in this case. I'll ignore it, change the subject, or do something to distract everybody from the questions I don't want to answer. I know a thing or two about distraction and I'm very good at it.....

In my attempt to continue on this path of openness I'm going to share my thoughts on the mystery man you've all been questioning me about. I'm not going to name anybody so don't ask. I will never tell, and if you pressure me it will only make me retreat, I still won't tell, and you'll get nothing. My parents and very close friends already know whom I'm referring to as for the rest of you, you'll just get a glimpse of what goes on in my twisted little mind. I'll probably ramble a lot and go from one subject to another and you'll probably notice I have an internal battle within myself. As far as "I feel" goes, at least I'm feeling something. Even if I don't understand it. I've been so numb for so long feeling anything is a step. It's nice to know that I'm capable of some kind of emotion. I'm not dead after all, imagine that. Ha!

I know I wouldn't be getting asked all the time about this if it wasn't so far out of charter for me. It's not like me to take an interest in anyone I have never met. Let alone on the other side of the earth, not to mention a great musician. Yeah, ok that last part might be a stretch. I've dated a couple well known musicians but I knew them. It's not like I stumbled upon them or vise versa. What bothers me most is superficial and stupid but true enough. I don't want to be one of those woman that chases some musician around for I'm not even sure what? Please tell me, I haven't become one of those girls I tease. I'm not some delusional fan with a weird crush. Right? If that's the case please just hang me now.......

I cannot explain this on any rational level. I'm a practical, rational thinker and whatever this is, it isn't logical or rational. It just is. That's why I believe I have this internal battle within. I live in my mind, I think way to much, I over analyze everything to the point I drive myself crazy. If I could get rid of the microscope I might be alright. I'll say one thing, then turn around and contradict myself immediately. I'm done trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense (logically anyway). In a metaphysical way it makes perfect sense. Why do I always feel like I only make sense to myself? Because I am misunderstood and I only make sense to myself......

This is different than anything I've ever experienced before all the way around. I don't even know what to call it. What is it? A crush, infatuation, a spiritual connection, or just insanity? I don't chase men, men chase me. That's how it is, that's how it is meant to be. I never have in the past, so why start now? Cuz, I can't stop it, and I've finally lost my frickin mind. Yup, I've let my mind wonder so far that now I cannot find it......

Being I am a sensitive, I can only go on what I feel around me, what the universe and my dreams tells me. If you listen carefully and quietly everything around us, speaks to us. I'm drawn to water and it speaks to me. The wind, the plants and trees, the animals, the mountain, fire, metal, the cosmos, all of it speaks a language. It will show you the way but you have to be paying attention. You just have to listen and be a good listener then it makes perfect sense......

 I suppose it started with the music. The first time I heard it, it drew me in like a vortex, and I wanted more. I'm curious by nature. The music was so powerful it sucked me right in. As I lay there listening, I can't help but wonder who the hell is the man behind the music. This is better than good, better than great, this is like a black hole that sucks everything in. That's what I mean when I say powerful music. I can't say I've ever heard anything quite on that level. The more I learn the more intrigued I am. Now, I want to paint him. Really, I want to touch him but I can't so I will draw. It's the next best thing. Every time I see a picture, or hear that voice, I want to reach out and touch him. It so frustrating at times, because that urge to touch him is just so strong. As I travel further down the rabbit hole the dreams start. Little flashes of this and little bits of that. "I feel" I guess is the keyword here. Don't ask me what, it's a bunch of stuff that I cannot adequately explain.....

This man has got me firing on all cylinders, and don't even know it. He knows I have a thing but I'm sure that's as far as that goes. When I write to him, I write whatever pops in my mind. I write it and send it so fast I don't have a chance to edit anything. If I was to slow down, edit, or wait a second before sending he'd get nothing but a hello and goodbye. In the past I've been drawn in by the music, physical appearance, sexuality, or intellect. This time I've been hit on all sides, all at the same time. It's somewhat of a sensory overload but I'm not complaining. I can't turn it off, he's not going anywhere and I have been blinded forever more......

The other day I respond to a post. I suppose it was a friend of his that made a statement to me regarding fish. I wish I could remember exactly what he said but it threw me way off. I didn't get the whole fish statement. I think I said something that probably makes no sense to anybody but myself along the lines of fish don't eat this worm. I don't know, I was so perplexed on the fish statement when I went back to re-read the statement it was gone. I suppose the guy deleted it for some reason, or was it ever there at all? Did I have a vision and didn't realize it or did I just imagine the fish statement? Hell, I don't know but it was weird....

After the Vampire's Ball we had an after party. I was pretty buzzed, maybe ate one to many magic brownies, too much hash and had plenty enough to drink. Someone said something that reminded me that I wasn't supposed to be there. I should have been on a damn plane. Kind of a buzz kill, so I went out back and laid under the stars to collect my thoughts. I look up into the night sky and I see the constellation Pieces just as clear as day. Of course right at that moment it hit me. I get it now! The fish statement and all. I didn't see any fish but should have. I can't believe I missed it. I guess you need to smack me across the face with a pair of fish. He is Pieces, now that makes sense......

This doesn't make much sense logically but metaphysically it makes perfect sense now. I see the world through a different pair of glasses. It's often stimulating, but too abstruse for the average reader. Try to stay with me here. I'm going to try for a lucid explanation and keep it simple to understand (I hope). I usually loose most of you when I go into the metaphysical world.....

Have you ever heard, The Music of the Spheres? How about Harmony of the Spheres? The music of the Spheres incorporates the metaphysical principle that relationships express qualities or tones of energy which manifest in visual angles, shapes and sounds. All connected within a pattern of proportion. The pitch of a musical note is in proportion to the length of the string that produces it, and that intervals between harmonious sound frequencies. The Sun, Moon and planets all emit their own unique hum based on their orbital revolution. The quality of life on Earth reflects the tenor of celestial sounds.  Astrology has a base 12 cycle in common with music. In music theory there are intervals which are more harmonious than others. If music theory can be applied to astrology, then the most harmonious to least harmonious aspects are conjunction, quincunx, sextile, square, trine, semi sextile and opposition. Astronomy and music are twinned in sensual recognition. Astronomy for the eyes, music for the ears, and both requiring each other.....

I believe any relationship should balance strengths and weaknesses. Too much of even a seemingly good thing is often bland and unproductive, meaning that two "astronomical twins" who have the same planet alignments, were born at the same time, in the same place, etc, are not always the most compatible. Rarely are even the most narcissistic of people excited about the possibility of being in a relationship with themselves. So healthy or positive synastry between two is about blending and complementing another’s energies to create a healthy synergy......

Consider the zodiac as a circle or belt of fixed stars surrounding the Solar System. These fixed stars serve as landmarks in the sky. As the planets orbit the sun at their respective speeds and rhythms, when viewed from earth they appear to be in a particular constellation of the zodiac (area of the sky). Aspects have to do with the distance between planets as they travel. Aspects are measured in degrees since they all are moving within a big circle around the sun. Each of the 12 signs of the Zodiac occupies 30 degrees of the 360 degree circle. For example, if Mars is passing through the area of Pieces and Venus is traveling through Virgo, at a certain time they will be exactly 120 degrees apart. This aspect is called a trine. A trine is considered the most positive aspect because it is between similar energies and therefore easily blended. It is between the earth sign Virgo and the water sign Pieces. If, however, Mars was in Virgo but Venus was in Scorpio, this aspect would be a sextile or 60 degrees apart. They are separated by one sign or constellation between them. The sextile is also a positive aspect because the energies complement one another. In this case they represent the elements of earth and water, which in nature need or support each other.....

Compatibility between a man and woman when a man's Mars is conjunct with (in the same position as) a woman’s Venus, this denotes a very primal and urgent attraction. They represent the opposite energies in the zodiac and in nature. Venus is the Female principle and Mars is the Male. The combination of attraction /Affection (Venus) and Passion (Mars) is 'the stuff of great love stories'......

I can apply this same principal to the yin and yang to give you a different view of the same thing. Yin represents female characterized as slow, soft, yielding, diffuse, cold, wet, and passive; and is associated with water, earth, the moon, femininity and nighttime. Yang represents male. By contrast, is fast, hard, solid, focused, hot, dry, and aggressive; and is associated with fire, sky, the sun, masculinity and daytime. Yin is the black side with the white dot on it and yang is the white side with the black dot on it. The relationship between yin and yang is like sunlight playing over a mountain and in the valley. Yin (literally the 'shady place' or 'north slope') is the dark area occluded by the mountain's bulk, while yang (literally the 'sunny place' or 'south slope') is the brightly lit portion. As the sun moves across the sky, yin and yang gradually trade places with each other, revealing what was obscured and obscuring what was revealed......

I never gave astrology a thought until my epiphany under the stars the other night. I'm a sensitive, I don't have to. They talk to me through emotion and feeling. I hear it whether I want to or not just not in the sense most think. When I'm asked how I know the things I know. I can't explain it. I get bits and pieces through many different things which is another thing I really can't explain. I'll go to bed with an issue in my head and wake up with a crystal clear answer and I don't know where it came from but I know it to be as true as I'm sitting here. You may have read previous poems and such that I have written with him in mind. I didn't know it at the time but there are lots of references to light. Now I understand where all those reference are coming from. He is light to my dark. That's gotta be why he is so calming to me......

So you see it's quite simple really. It's in the music, it's in the stars, it's all around me. I just can't believe it took me this long to get it. My actions may be quick but I'm slower than a damn snail. This is why I fight with myself. My logical side rejects this whole notion while my spiritual side affirms, confirms, and approves. It's like having the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. My angels wings may be black and tainted but metaphysically she's kicking the shit out of logic until the next battle resumes.......

Results of my Personality Test

You're the inspirational visionary. A leader and teacher who is here to help save the planet. You feel drawn to educate the masses and to inspire higher ideals to improve the quality of life on the planet, or to help save people, animals, and the environment. Your a person who travels the planet in search of something but your not sure what. You know your here to do something significant. However, not always sure what it is.

Your mysterious and quiet. You're beautiful and inspiring. You're looks are inviting, but you harbor secrets. Your a smart cookie. You can solve any problem thrown at you and answer any question. You have infinite wisdom and use it to get over hurdles in life. You strive to do good and don't accept failure as a choice. It's either try or try again. You have few really close friends. You usually keep to yourself, but with people you're comfortable with you can truly be who you are.

You are beautiful and sexy. You're all about relationships. You've seen it all, done it all, and started it all and your not tired of it yet. Your always confident. You know you're beautiful and use it like a whip. You are a goddess of lust and love.

Your mysterious, adventurous, spontaneous, and the life of the party. Although you have many friends, you only confide in those closest to you and hide your insecurities from others. You need freedom and for others to appreciate you.

You tend to be by yourself, but love to be around people. You feel the need to protect those around you. When threatened you don't defend, just wait silently for their attack. You feel at home in the darkness. You are misunderstood, and at first glance some might think you are cold, mean, or stuck up but that is far from true. Your heart is pure. People have a hard time looking in your eyes. Your gaze is intense and they feel as if your burning through their soul. Those who know you, love you but all are afraid when your very angry.

Sex, drugs, and rock n roll are crucial to your everyday lifestyle and you don't give a damn who knows it. People envy you and want you at the same time. Life is all fun and games and you'll never grow old, even if it means never accepting the confines of age.

You have an acute attention for detail and a methodical approach to life which ensures that nothing is missed. You are gentle and delicate, preferring to step back and analyze before moving ahead. Your excellent at giving advice, and really know how to problem solve. You take good care of yourself as health is a focal point for you. Your not known for showing feelings. You would prefer to show through deed than by word.

You analyze is the key phrase for you. While practicality is the keyword. Industrious, discriminating, and scientific by nature, you really know how to get to the heart of the matter. Your exceptionally methodical and do well in jobs that require organization. If there is anything out of order, set you to the task! When focused on a task, you will push it to perfection, leaving no stone unturned. When you feel your talent falls short, you'll turn to the books to learn whatever is needed.

Your excellent with your money. You generally keep a strict grasp on what you spend and strive to put away as much money as you can. When it comes to shopping you aren't apt to overspend. Every now and then, you will be seen buying something of beauty, though. You love the arts and enjoy decorating your home with taste.

It's important for you to feel needed by your mate. Outside of the bedroom is where the majority of foreplay is going to happen for you. Tactile, methodical, and willing to take as long as needed, you will make an excellent lover. Even though you won't express many words of love, you will show your affections in the bedroom. You prefer to have a few strong connections rather than many partners. Your a dedicated mate that loves to live on the wild side once in a while. 

You are a very peaceful and drama free person. In the darkest events you brighten up everyone's day with just a smile. You are seen as having a dazzling appearance. When you walk into a room, people stare. You rise above your flaws, your soul is magnificent and strong. It can never die but be reborn again and again.

Ruling Planet: The ruling planet for you is Mercury. Representing intellectual urges and the avenue of expression, this planet rules reason, rationalization, words, awareness, and communication. It's action is quick, and it also deals with travel, speaking, writing, trade, and emotional capacity and technique.

Everything that Matters

Yesterday was an extremely rough day for me. Sunday I returned home from a long weekend to find a letter that must have fallen behind the desk from the court saying I had to be there on Monday October 10th. I had plans and a flight scheduled to leave Chicago directly after the Vampire's Ball to go to Paris to see a great show for my birthday and meet a wonderful man. To find out on Sunday that I have to cancel my flight, hotel room, and show, didn't sit well with me. On the other hand this court date is a means to an end of a difficult chapter in my life. Timing couldn't be any worse, and there's nothing I can do about it. Luckily, there will be several other shows coming up this winter. So I'll still get to see a great show and meet a great man. I'll just have to wait a little longer. Patients is a virtue I have yet to acquire. Since I can't change it, I will change the way I think about it. It will be worth the wait because once I get there I'm staying awhile. I'm going to plant myself on the mountain, ski and finish my novel. With any luck at all my friend will come chill on the mountain with me. Since he's a writer as well, maybe it will be good for him. Never know where you may find some inspiration.....

I fell asleep Sunday night and had terrible dreams all night long of my step mother in the hospital. Her body has gone into toxic shock which is shutting down her organs. In the end they will cut off her hands and feet. I know this is going to happen, and it will be soon. I don't have the heart to tell my father just how bad it's gonna get. He's already upset and it's hard on him to see his wife of twenty years laying in a hospital bed in ICU.

I dreamt of this all night long. I'd wake up, stay awake long enough to where I didn't think I'd go back into that terrible dream to find I'm right back in hell, dreaming the same thing over and over and over again. This hell went on all night long. I hate knowing the things I know. I hate seeing the things I see. It takes a toll on me mentally, physically, and emotionally. Then to wake up afraid, emotionally drained, and all alone. I just had a complete melt down.

My brother from another mother, Dave. We somewhat talked about all this yesterday on facebook. Sometimes it's what you don't say. I told him what was eating at me. He responds to everything I mentioned except what's going to happen to my step mom. It didn't register for several hours that he got it. A few hours later, Dave is at my door. He drove all the way here even though I said I didn't need him to come, after just leaving me Sunday afternoon, all because I felt so alone, needed a hug, and someone to tell me as bad as it's gonna get everything will be ok. I was not ok yesterday, by any means and he always can see it for what it really is, no matter what I say, he get's it. Thankfully I don't have melt down's or bad days very often. I'm the incurable optimist. In a world of grey I'm pretty much always happy.

Dave's my rock, my best friend, and business partner. We've been friends since we were kids. Nobody knows me better than Dave. I couldn't have a better friend. He's been there for me through all kinds of crazy. I've called him from the mountains of British Columbia telling him I've lost everything. He packed up the motor home, and came to get me. I call him from Germany telling him everything has fallen apart and I'm done and wanna come home. So he sets everything up and gets me home. He's been there through my divorce, deaths of family and of the ones I've loved.  I love you Dave, you mean the world to me and I don't know what I'd do without you..... Thank you for everything!!!!!

The Witches Wand

You seek the magic and you find

the twisting path, the witches wand.

You learn the turning seasons ways

and walk the strange, enchated maze.

To bring forth from the barren soil,

a garden that will ease the soul.

Make what was broken, whole.

Through field and forst, road and street,

upon the witches wand you'll meet.

Spirits, humans, creatures, elves,

and all who seek to know themselves.

All wonder through the realms of dreams,

where imagination teams.

Pictures, music, sight and scent

all the beauty that is meant.

To sweeten and enrich our lives.

Like honey from the finest hives.

It lifts the spirit, shows the way.

Through summer, fall, winter, night and day.

So I walk with courage, sure of mind

upon the twisting witches wand.....