I Need A Better Game Plan

In my last post you heard of my struggles with my ex husband. I didn't intent to go there. I usually don't air my dirty laundry. I may have stepped over the line a little by telling all I did. It's now public and he really can't defend himself. Generally speaking I never attack someone's character. Especially publically and where they don't have the opportunity to defend their view. Although, I'm pretty sure he would agree with everything I said. Including a rebuttal of somehow it was my fault he behaved the way he did. Honestly, I don't care anymore. I put myself out here and tell all of you, my deepest thoughts. That is huge for me. This blog has turned into a diary of sorts. I've never liked diaries. I always thought they were a bad idea. Somehow it can and probably will be used against you. My ex has used everything I have ever told him against me in some way at some point. I don't believe any man should have to deal with another man's fuck ups. I guess what I'm trying to say is: nobody from my future will ever have to deal with any hurt or bullshit that any of my ex's did to me. This is my way of making sure I remain open. I will not be afraid that the next man will use what I say against me. I will be an open book and not allow what has happened in my past to transcend to my future.  

I continue to be asked why I won't date. I have tried to answer that question so many times. I've written several unpublished pieces regarding this matter but it seems I go off into many directions but never can I answer the question. I'm not sure I know the answer to why I won't date. Every time I write about this I have a better understanding. One of these time's I'll sit down yet again to try to answer this question and it will come to me. It may take another 10 times of trying to get there. It's a process. It's always taken me a long time to figure myself out. The coin has to many sides. Either way I couldn't seem to get there without thinking of my ex's bullshit. I KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT!!!

So, here I go again trying to answer that question. I have several hang ups that I can't seem to get past. First and foremost you guys just freak me out. Things have changed since the last time I was single. Men are a lot more confident. Which is good. I like confident men. However, this is a problem because I don't remember how I dealt with this sort of thing in the past. Men used to act as if they were afraid to even approach me. What happened? Have I gone soft? Or have men gotten older and bolder? I'm thinking I got older and so did they. I'm in a world of shit if they are bolder cuz I don't know what to do. In the past if I had a boyfriend I would just say I have a boyfriend and that was enough. Then when I was married, I would just wiggle my ring to show I was married and that was enough. I honestly can't remember the times in between when I was single how I dealt with it. I must of said something, or done something but I can't tell you what it was. I really don't want anybody to ask me out. I don't want to do this anymore. It makes my skin crawl. Really is does.....

Let me tell you how ill prepared I am, in dealing with this. The month of December I was performing in the Nutcracker. 20 shows in 14 days. So I was at the Auditorium most of the time. I met this guy. He was the light/ sound director. Does the same thing as I when I'm not doing all the other things I do. Anyway, I meet this guy. He's a good looking man, funny as ever, intelligent enough to keep up with me. Not sure if he could teach me anything but he's not dumb. (Another epiphany, just this second lol) We were sitting there talking like we'd been doing for days. Suddenly the conversation changed. I don't remember exactly what he said but you know when you get that feeling that someone is about to ask you out. Yeah, it got real uncomfortable real quick. I distinctly remember thinking, "oh god, please don't", "no, don't do this". I knew what was coming and I was freaking out inside. I must have looked completely freaked as well. There was a long pause. He was looking at me, looking at him with that deer in the headlights kind of look. I thought I was going to have a flippin' heart attack. My heart was racing so fast that for a moment I thought I might loose it. I was trying really hard to keep myself together. I don't do that. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm always the calm, cool, on top of it, never let them see you sweat, kind of woman. He then says, "So, you have a husband at home or something"? Your not going to believe the shit that came out of my mouth. I can't believe what come out of my mouth!! I said, "No, not exactly". "But, I do have three men at home that all live with me". "All three of us sleep together too". WTF? I don't even know where the hell that came from. I didn't know I was going to say that. I didn't think it. So where the hell did that came from? I have no idea. Plucked that right out of the sky. Little does he know I was talking about my furry friends. I have two pets not three. Not sure where the third came from either. Guess two just isn't enough, I had to add a third. I was so shocked that I had said that. I had to pick my mouth up off the floor. I think he was as shocked as I was cuz he didn't have much to say after that. He had to go to the bathroom. I needed to go to the bathroom as well to wash my mouth out with soap. Oh hell, Santa was right when he told me a good bar of soap would be good for my health. Shove it in there and duct tape my mouth shut. That's exactly what I need. How did he know that? HA....

See the problem here? There has got to be a better way. You girls said I would get better at this with practice. I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse. I don't want to do this. I have got to come up with a better game plan cuz no plan isn't working out so well.

Last month at one of the shows I over heard one of the guys telling another man not to bother because I'm stingy with the pussy. Ha Ha I know it was kind of a joke but not really. Which is fine because it's true. So here comes the bitch goddess and she says, "Hell yes, I'm stingy. This is no first class ticket. You gotta work for this shit!! I'm not a doorknob where everybody gets a turn. I'm more like a casino where only the very lucky hit the jackpot". There I'm done......

Sometimes I wish I didn't have such a sex hang up.  It would be nice to just have sex for the sake of sex and nothing else. However, I'm not cut out for that sort of thing. I tried it once a long time ago and it didn't work out so well. If you've ever had a man look you in the eye and tell you he's madly in love with you but you can't use him for sex anymore and all you can do is say, "ok". You get the point loud and clear to stay away from meaningless sex. What means nothing to you, may mean everything to someone else. I will never forget it. His words still ring in my ear to this day. The worse thing about it all is, I lost a friend. It wasn't worth it. That was a one time thing and a tough lesson to learn. You've heard of friends with benefits. You know the kind you get to have great sex with no attachments, no strings and all that good stuff. Yeah? There's no such thing. That is the biggest crock of shit, complete illusion. As soon as you have sex with them they want to keep you forever. Make you their girlfriend. Then when they say crazy stuff like "I love you, and want you to be my girl" and you can't respond because your stunned stupid. And when you do respond all you can say is but...but...but... that wasn't the deal and it starts to sound like a business arrangement that went bad. No thank you. I hate drama and that is the worse kind of drama. The kind you cannot defend. Nope, I'm not cut out for that crap. Note to self: No Meaningless Sex!!! Meaningless sex isn't very fulfilling but it did take the edge off of no sex. Until he lost his mind, that is. So, I chose not to go down that road ever again.

I find myself single again. I've had no sex and haven't been with anybody for almost 18 months now. I'm sexually deprived and it stinks. I don't mean like regular stinks. I mean it's over the top, this stinks so bad I can't believe how bad it stinks STINKS. And my ex  thought I couldn't hold out for more than two days. HA, what does he know? I can't have casual sex because I have issues. I can't date because I have picky issues. I have my moments of loneliness but really I don't give a damn if I'm single for several more years or a lifetime. Being single definitely has it's benefits. Nothing is expected from you and you don't have to worry about your work getting in the way. It's not good for full scale dinners, sharing, caring, cuddling, sex, moving heavy furniture, cutting down Christmas tree's, and now thinking about it a host of other things too. I guess it's not good for much but I can be me. You know, it's not all that bad either though. See this is what you get. I can't even agree with myself. To many sides to a coin. It just depends on how you flip it. Ask me tomorrow and you'll probably get an entirely different answer. That's why I say don't bother to try to figure me out because just when you think you get it. I'll switch direction....

I've never been in tune when it comes to seeking a man to date. I've never been one to actually look for it. 99.9% of the time the "right one" could be right in front of my face and I'd never know it. It takes a magnitude of things to happen before I'd even notice that I may be interested in someone. Unfortunately, I don't allow anybody to get that close to me for the magnitude of things to happen. Not to mention the fact, I'm extremely picky. I'm picky about everything. I'm asked a lot "does it really matter"? Yes, it does matter. Everything matter's to me. Everything means something, if nothing, it means something. I'm especially picky when it comes to someone I'd actually even consider dating. I don't see the point in wasting my time and energy when I'm just not feeling it. If it's not there it's not there.

Blogging out my life and thoughts isn't helping either. Everybody doesn't read my blog. Nobody knows I'm pretty much availably unavailable. Oh my, I just had another epiphany. This is a big one and OMG I'm as slow as a damn snail. This is a coin with way to many sides and I don't know what to think about this new found epiphany. I guess to be continued.......