"The Property"

Three houses sold within the last couple months. There are two pending sales right now so I'm  happy about that. There's still more on my books but I quit slacking and have them listed and up for sale. Hopefully my agent will get all of them off my books before spring. I quit purchasing POS to transform because I'm out of time. It was something I wanted to try because I was feeling restless and needed a new creative outlet. It was a lot of work and took longer than what I had scheduled. The crew and I had a lot of fun and what a transformation those places went through. Looking at those places now you would never know they used to be a piece of crap that almost could have been bulldozed. I'm not a girl that is afraid to get dirty. As long as it isn't nasty. I draw the line at poo and other gross stuff. Oh yeah and nothing smelly. My senses must agree. If it don't look right, if it don't smell right, if it don't sound right, I can guarantee I won't touch it and I'm sure the hell not tasting it either. HA... I have no problem throwing my hair in a pony, and getting dirty.

  

In April of 2011 I bought this old house with a guest house that sat by itself on 8 acres out on the peninsula of a huge lake. I had the old house and the guest house bulldozed and removed right away. The property sat alone with nothing on it for several months. I was busy with the rehab of the farm house and didn't have a vision yet of what I wanted to build. It was a beautiful piece of property. When I sat there it felt so peaceful and right. Then in August it came to me. Inspiration at it's finest. It's a unique, exclusicve architectural style. A blending of French, European, Luxury Chateau, Neoclassical , & Mediterranean architectural styles all put together which forms my dream home. I sat down at the computer and started drawing up the blue prints. A week later, I took it to my architect to go over my work and make sure the numbers and everything else was right. A few weeks after that my crew starting building. I took my time with that house. I hand picked every piece of marble and granite, every everything. I designed everything. It's a plush world of luxury within. The 23' ceiling in the foyer welcomes you as the beautiful double curved staircase cascades into the foyer accentuating the openness. To the right is the living room with its 23' coffered ceiling, fire place and media room with alcoves and storage. To the left of the foyer is the dining room and library/study. Both with fireplaces. The arcade leads to the kitchen, or through the rotunda to the gallery, utility room and garage. On the other side of the house, passing through the arcade and rotunda leads to the exercise room. This area of the house also has a guest suite with another fireplace and full bathroom. The living room is open to the breakfast room and kitchen, and central to all rooms on the first floor. Behind the living room is the terrace, and off the breakfast area is a patio. There's also a butler's pantry which is enhanced by a walk in wine cellar/storage. The second story showcases the master suite (where the magic happens) including the barrel vaulted master bath, balcony, and wardrobe. The second floor has four additional bedrooms with baths and private balconies. A den and music room complete the floor plan. It was designed, and wired for top quality surround sound from top to bottom. A piece of my soul is in that house. I wanted to stay there and never leave. Because it sits on the peninsula no matter where you are in that house you get a great view of the lake. Classic, timeless, unique, regal, luxurious, beautiful and elegant. My vision encompasses all of thee characteristics and more. That house is truly one of a kind. So beautiful I wanted to live in him forever. It was very hard for me to let it go. I was in tears signing the papers. I didn't think I could ever get that attached to a house. I haven't been right since. How does one get so attached to a house they've never even lived in? It's a house for christ sakes. Thinking about it makes me very sad though. I want to think about something else.....




Maybe I should just continue so that I can get it out then I can move on. I did say I would deal with issues as they come. It is so hard to let go, but I did. Physically anyway. I let it go and sold the property on the fifth day of this new year for a whopping 2.6 million. Of course that's not all profit. I still had to pay for the property, the removal of the old houses, the crew that built it, all the materials to build it, the listing fees, and the agent that sold it, and of course Uncle Sam must have his cut along with the permit fees ect... you get the picture. I made a good profit but the money doesn't make the hurt go away. I got the property on foreclosure so I didn't pay anywhere near what it was worth. I don't know what I'd do with such a huge house anyway. 6,880 sq feet of beautiful. The taxes alone per year for that property is ungodly. In order to keep him I'd have to sell the Lake Michigan house and the log cabin in Colorado. Hell, I'd have to sell everything I own. Some of you may notice I now call it "the property". He used to have a name but he's no longer mine so now it goes unnamed. My way of trying to detach myself and my emotions from "the property". I sold the property to a surgeon and his family. He and his wife fell in love as soon as they walked in the door. And why wouldn't they? My soul is in that house....

In my heart lies a secret garden

bearing flowers of sweet perfume

A rippling oasis of colour

that's perpetually in bloom

I wander through it's beauty

pockets of sunshine here and there

Dappled light upon lush growth

which I tend with loving care

A mighty wall surrounds it

harbouring a gate of iron bars

Built long since to keep it safe

and to save it many scars

Yet my garden is so lonley

without another near

The very walls protecting it

keep me prisoner here

This chamber once was barren

A world I never knew

until I journeyed to it

nurturing gently 'til it grew

And now my garden's flourishing

there's more than enough to share

Plant's are climbing over walls

crack's starting to appear

I draw in my breath and approach the gate

touch familiar rusty bars

fumbling I catch hold of the latch

and pull the gate ajar

A creek, a groan, then it swings wide

I stare at this new view

I rub my eyes in disbelief

out here there's beauty too!!!

Maybe You Should Be Afraid

 After my last post someone had asked what were my epiphanies? I had said I met a man that was the light/ sound designer for the Nutcracker. He was pretty cool. I did enjoy his company because the conversations were never dull. I had also said he wasn't dumb but I didn't think he could teach me anything. My epiphany was that: He can't teach me anything. That is probably first and foremost number one reason why I wouldn't consider dating him. You know I like the brilliant, slightly older, intelligent, pretty sure he can teach me all kinds of stuff, highly creative artist like minded type. It never crossed my mind until he changed the conversation. Dating him or not dating him would have never crossed my mind but since it was brought up I had to examine why I would enjoy someone company and admit he was handsome yet nothing is there. Like I said, a magnitude of things has to happen. I know lots of good looking men that are not dumb bo's but I still don't want to date any of them. I'm telling you, it's just not there. I said, I need a game plan. I still don't have a game plan. I don't think I can do this. I'm not getting better at any of this. I still can't believe I told that man I had three men living with me and slept with them all. That is just wrong on so many levels. Part of me hopes I never see him again. Another part of me hopes I do just so I can tell him how full of shit I am and that you can never take me serious. The answer is still NO but don't listen to me. I've lost my mind and random weirdness comes out of my mouth. I really should apologize. I don't know what came over me but damn.....

Ok, so no game plan isn't working and I can't seem to come up with a plan. My mind draws a blank every time I try to think about it. Why can't I just say no thank you and be done with it. Why is that not enough? Why do you guys look at me like a simple no thank you isn't good enough? Like, I need to elaborate on the why no? I would say the old, "it's not you, it's me". Nobody ever believes that. It would be the truth but it seems so superficial. I try to put myself in their shoes and think what would I want to hear with a no if it was me. That doesn't work because a simple no thank you would be enough for me. Since there is no snow and I'm so restless. I wait for summer. When the festivals start and I can be in my element, with my crew. Where I can be me and not have to worry about this silly stuff. You know, I can't be me unless I'm a little naughty but you guys don't take me serious because you know better. I don't have to worry about being asked out or any of this uncomfortable stuff. I may be somewhat reserved but there's not a shy bone in my body. If I like someone they will know it.

I don't believe any of you guys are afraid of me like my ex had suggested. Well, other than Darren. I know I should feel bad for him but I don't. It's still funny to me. He won't even be left alone in the same room with me anymore. He had it coming though. I suppose I should elaborate a little for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about. I call him a kid because to me he is a kid. He's 21 maybe 22 I'm not sure but young and dumb no less. Not dumb as in intellect. Dumb as in young and inexperienced. For the longest time he would hit on me, make sexual innuendos, talk dirty to me, do all the things young dumb boys do. Anyway, one night the whole crew was together at my friends house. All of us had plenty enough to drink. He shows up with another friend of our and starts in on me. This is nothing new. He does this every time I see him. I said something along the lines, he was way to young, I'm way out of his league, and he wouldn't know what to do with me, if he had me. He didn't agree with my statement and kept it up. Awhile later he came into the bedroom where my girlfriends and I were smoking a joint. They left the two of us in the bedroom alone saying they'd be back in a few minutes. That's all I need is a few minutes. I had the opportunity to prove my point and put an end to his relentless come on's once and for all. I gave him that look. You know the one where you can tell my horns are showing. I turned around and locked the door. Pulled him up close to me so that I could feel his heart beating out of his chest. I dimed the light so it was dark but not total dark. Then I laid my hands flat upon his shoulders and whispered in his ear. Firmly pressing down on his shoulders I told him, "down on your knee's". Not that he really had much of a choice but he did what he was told. On his knee's in front of me, I looked down. Took his hand and guided it up my inner thigh and whispered some bullshit that I really don't remember. I could feel a tremor when I took his hand. I knew I was making him nervous and very uncomfortable. I then told him he was with The Dark Queen and he was not to touch me again. To keep his hands at his side. At this point I could feel his whole body slightly shaking. So I gave him my bite which he wanted so badly before. Tap tap tap...(perfect timing) Someone was at the door which was not even arm length away so I open the door. The light beamed in. He was on his knee's with eyes as big as saucers. He was pale and looked like he had just seen a ghost. Our friend said, "what the hell is going on here". I said, "nothing" the kid jumped up, and said "she's one of those freaky chicks" and ran out of the room. I had to laugh because he couldn't get out of their fast enough. We were only in that room for maybe 3 minute's tops. I thought I was being easy on him. That was nothing compared to if I had been serious. I was just messing with him. Cheap thrills and proving my point. I wasn't serious, not for one minute. He doesn't hit on me or say anything sexual anymore. To this day he won't be left alone with me. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!  Unfortunately that only works with young men not grown men. I wish it did work with grown men. Half ass seduce, scare the hell out of em', never to be bothered again? Hmmm....How much fun could that be....

Yes, darlings I am one of those "freaky chicks". I didn't get the nick names Mayhem, The Dark Queen,  Bitch Goddess for nothing. Maybe you should be afraid. Very afraid....MUHAHAHA......lol

I Need A Better Game Plan

In my last post you heard of my struggles with my ex husband. I didn't intent to go there. I usually don't air my dirty laundry. I may have stepped over the line a little by telling all I did. It's now public and he really can't defend himself. Generally speaking I never attack someone's character. Especially publically and where they don't have the opportunity to defend their view. Although, I'm pretty sure he would agree with everything I said. Including a rebuttal of somehow it was my fault he behaved the way he did. Honestly, I don't care anymore. I put myself out here and tell all of you, my deepest thoughts. That is huge for me. This blog has turned into a diary of sorts. I've never liked diaries. I always thought they were a bad idea. Somehow it can and probably will be used against you. My ex has used everything I have ever told him against me in some way at some point. I don't believe any man should have to deal with another man's fuck ups. I guess what I'm trying to say is: nobody from my future will ever have to deal with any hurt or bullshit that any of my ex's did to me. This is my way of making sure I remain open. I will not be afraid that the next man will use what I say against me. I will be an open book and not allow what has happened in my past to transcend to my future.  

I continue to be asked why I won't date. I have tried to answer that question so many times. I've written several unpublished pieces regarding this matter but it seems I go off into many directions but never can I answer the question. I'm not sure I know the answer to why I won't date. Every time I write about this I have a better understanding. One of these time's I'll sit down yet again to try to answer this question and it will come to me. It may take another 10 times of trying to get there. It's a process. It's always taken me a long time to figure myself out. The coin has to many sides. Either way I couldn't seem to get there without thinking of my ex's bullshit. I KNOW WHAT I DON'T WANT!!!

So, here I go again trying to answer that question. I have several hang ups that I can't seem to get past. First and foremost you guys just freak me out. Things have changed since the last time I was single. Men are a lot more confident. Which is good. I like confident men. However, this is a problem because I don't remember how I dealt with this sort of thing in the past. Men used to act as if they were afraid to even approach me. What happened? Have I gone soft? Or have men gotten older and bolder? I'm thinking I got older and so did they. I'm in a world of shit if they are bolder cuz I don't know what to do. In the past if I had a boyfriend I would just say I have a boyfriend and that was enough. Then when I was married, I would just wiggle my ring to show I was married and that was enough. I honestly can't remember the times in between when I was single how I dealt with it. I must of said something, or done something but I can't tell you what it was. I really don't want anybody to ask me out. I don't want to do this anymore. It makes my skin crawl. Really is does.....

Let me tell you how ill prepared I am, in dealing with this. The month of December I was performing in the Nutcracker. 20 shows in 14 days. So I was at the Auditorium most of the time. I met this guy. He was the light/ sound director. Does the same thing as I when I'm not doing all the other things I do. Anyway, I meet this guy. He's a good looking man, funny as ever, intelligent enough to keep up with me. Not sure if he could teach me anything but he's not dumb. (Another epiphany, just this second lol) We were sitting there talking like we'd been doing for days. Suddenly the conversation changed. I don't remember exactly what he said but you know when you get that feeling that someone is about to ask you out. Yeah, it got real uncomfortable real quick. I distinctly remember thinking, "oh god, please don't", "no, don't do this". I knew what was coming and I was freaking out inside. I must have looked completely freaked as well. There was a long pause. He was looking at me, looking at him with that deer in the headlights kind of look. I thought I was going to have a flippin' heart attack. My heart was racing so fast that for a moment I thought I might loose it. I was trying really hard to keep myself together. I don't do that. What the hell is wrong with me? I'm always the calm, cool, on top of it, never let them see you sweat, kind of woman. He then says, "So, you have a husband at home or something"? Your not going to believe the shit that came out of my mouth. I can't believe what come out of my mouth!! I said, "No, not exactly". "But, I do have three men at home that all live with me". "All three of us sleep together too". WTF? I don't even know where the hell that came from. I didn't know I was going to say that. I didn't think it. So where the hell did that came from? I have no idea. Plucked that right out of the sky. Little does he know I was talking about my furry friends. I have two pets not three. Not sure where the third came from either. Guess two just isn't enough, I had to add a third. I was so shocked that I had said that. I had to pick my mouth up off the floor. I think he was as shocked as I was cuz he didn't have much to say after that. He had to go to the bathroom. I needed to go to the bathroom as well to wash my mouth out with soap. Oh hell, Santa was right when he told me a good bar of soap would be good for my health. Shove it in there and duct tape my mouth shut. That's exactly what I need. How did he know that? HA....

See the problem here? There has got to be a better way. You girls said I would get better at this with practice. I'm not getting better. I'm getting worse. I don't want to do this. I have got to come up with a better game plan cuz no plan isn't working out so well.

Last month at one of the shows I over heard one of the guys telling another man not to bother because I'm stingy with the pussy. Ha Ha I know it was kind of a joke but not really. Which is fine because it's true. So here comes the bitch goddess and she says, "Hell yes, I'm stingy. This is no first class ticket. You gotta work for this shit!! I'm not a doorknob where everybody gets a turn. I'm more like a casino where only the very lucky hit the jackpot". There I'm done......

Sometimes I wish I didn't have such a sex hang up.  It would be nice to just have sex for the sake of sex and nothing else. However, I'm not cut out for that sort of thing. I tried it once a long time ago and it didn't work out so well. If you've ever had a man look you in the eye and tell you he's madly in love with you but you can't use him for sex anymore and all you can do is say, "ok". You get the point loud and clear to stay away from meaningless sex. What means nothing to you, may mean everything to someone else. I will never forget it. His words still ring in my ear to this day. The worse thing about it all is, I lost a friend. It wasn't worth it. That was a one time thing and a tough lesson to learn. You've heard of friends with benefits. You know the kind you get to have great sex with no attachments, no strings and all that good stuff. Yeah? There's no such thing. That is the biggest crock of shit, complete illusion. As soon as you have sex with them they want to keep you forever. Make you their girlfriend. Then when they say crazy stuff like "I love you, and want you to be my girl" and you can't respond because your stunned stupid. And when you do respond all you can say is but...but...but... that wasn't the deal and it starts to sound like a business arrangement that went bad. No thank you. I hate drama and that is the worse kind of drama. The kind you cannot defend. Nope, I'm not cut out for that crap. Note to self: No Meaningless Sex!!! Meaningless sex isn't very fulfilling but it did take the edge off of no sex. Until he lost his mind, that is. So, I chose not to go down that road ever again.

I find myself single again. I've had no sex and haven't been with anybody for almost 18 months now. I'm sexually deprived and it stinks. I don't mean like regular stinks. I mean it's over the top, this stinks so bad I can't believe how bad it stinks STINKS. And my ex  thought I couldn't hold out for more than two days. HA, what does he know? I can't have casual sex because I have issues. I can't date because I have picky issues. I have my moments of loneliness but really I don't give a damn if I'm single for several more years or a lifetime. Being single definitely has it's benefits. Nothing is expected from you and you don't have to worry about your work getting in the way. It's not good for full scale dinners, sharing, caring, cuddling, sex, moving heavy furniture, cutting down Christmas tree's, and now thinking about it a host of other things too. I guess it's not good for much but I can be me. You know, it's not all that bad either though. See this is what you get. I can't even agree with myself. To many sides to a coin. It just depends on how you flip it. Ask me tomorrow and you'll probably get an entirely different answer. That's why I say don't bother to try to figure me out because just when you think you get it. I'll switch direction....

I've never been in tune when it comes to seeking a man to date. I've never been one to actually look for it. 99.9% of the time the "right one" could be right in front of my face and I'd never know it. It takes a magnitude of things to happen before I'd even notice that I may be interested in someone. Unfortunately, I don't allow anybody to get that close to me for the magnitude of things to happen. Not to mention the fact, I'm extremely picky. I'm picky about everything. I'm asked a lot "does it really matter"? Yes, it does matter. Everything matter's to me. Everything means something, if nothing, it means something. I'm especially picky when it comes to someone I'd actually even consider dating. I don't see the point in wasting my time and energy when I'm just not feeling it. If it's not there it's not there.

Blogging out my life and thoughts isn't helping either. Everybody doesn't read my blog. Nobody knows I'm pretty much availably unavailable. Oh my, I just had another epiphany. This is a big one and OMG I'm as slow as a damn snail. This is a coin with way to many sides and I don't know what to think about this new found epiphany. I guess to be continued.......