The Message

This is in response to all of your messages and/or posts regarding my Sunday evenings post Echo's of My Past......

I'm truly sorry if I offended anybody by waiting so long to reveal my story. To those of you who think I killed a great man. I won't argue, I know I broke his heart. I never meant to hurt anybody. I bowed out as gracefully as I knew how. Sometimes you have to be your own hero. I did what I thought was best for both of us. I'm not the right woman for him. He will be a good husband to someone, it just won't be me. In time, he will see......

I know many of you are shocked to find out that "something happened" let alone I've been single for quite some time. I'm slow and it takes me awhile to sort things out. Part of the reason I didn't announce this a long time ago is because even though I say I'm ready to date. I don't want anybody asking me out. I don't want anybody trying to play matchmaker either. If it is to be, I will find my Prince on my terms, in my time, my way, by myself. Most of you, know me well enough to know if I like someone, they'll know it. More than likely, I'll come right out and tell them. So, if that hasn't happened it probably won't. I do sound like "The Bitch Goddess" don't I? Geez, I just don't know how else to say it other than just saying it......

Moral of the message.... I'm sorry and don't ask me out......

Fire on your finger

Fire in your eye

Fire in your spirit

Fire that won’t die..

Fire in the bare bones of being

Fire to uphold what’s right

Fire in the heart of darkness

Fire to fuel Love’s light...

Fire to burn but not consume

Fire to learn and not assume

Fire to live and give room

Fire to love and sing her tune......

Echo's of My Past

I'm not very good at offering up insight into my mind. If you want to know what's on my mind just read my writings. See what I'm painting or drawing. Listen to what I play. I'm well aware of my shortcomings and I'm always putting myself in the shop to improve myself. This is an attempt to be more open......

I may not have a lot to say when shit get's deep but I'm a damn good listener. I'm not one to argue. It takes me about 30 seconds to 3 minutes to pitch my bitch and I'm done. You will hear no more from me. I'm a very analytical mind. I will analyze a problem, dissect it until there is nothing left. Most of my close friend already know this about me. So you must know, I never make a decision without really thinking it through. With me nothing is an accident......

I've been asked many times "what happened" yet I never want to talk about it. It's been over a year. I've hashed it out and suppose now is a better time than any. This is a condensed version but you'll get the gist of it. Everybody has "their side of the story".

This is my story.....

I chose him because I thought he would love me, for me. I thought he would keep me grounded. He was different than anybody I've ever dated. He was a normal man, with a normal life, with a normal job and completely oblivious to my type of lifestyle. Not a music man.

 Hind sight is 20/20 and I can see for miles.....

At the time that's what I thought I needed and wanted. (It is what I want and need) Now it is crystal clear that yes, he loved me but not for me. How many times I've cried to myself because I always had to explain why I write what I write, why I paint what I paint, why I am who I am. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I've ever done or didn't do, is under a microscope. I just want to be me.....

I've always been faithful, loyal and honest to the dying end. I have proven myself time and time again. Even though he knew in his heart of hearts he could trust me, I don't think he really trusted me. TRUST is everything to me. Without that nothing else really matters. I guess maybe he did trust me but was so insecure and always thought that somebody would steal me away from him. He always said his biggest fear was, that I would leave him. I would always tell him that he would create his biggest fear to come true. One cannot be stolen......

Yes, I left a damn near perfect man for no other reason than I just want to be me.... I'm a good girl and I don't wanna explain myself anymore. It hurts me to know I've broken his heart into a million pieces but I know it's is for the best. I know giving him the house and everything in it plus vehicles don't make anything better but I hope it would make the transition easier for him. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. It took me a long time to hash this out in my mind. I had to let him go. For my own peace of mind. I just can't do it anymore. I just want to be me.....

The irony of it all is he made me into him, and I made him into me. He's now a music man, in a great band doing great things while I tried desperately to cling onto what little bit of me was left. WTF How seriously twisted is that. I'm not broken, not at all. I feel more alive than I have in a long while. In the year we've been apart, I have found myself again. I am me, again. Whole again and I can breath again.... I suppose I'm ready to date again even though I'm really not looking. I have been alone with no lover for such a long time that I've forgotten what it feels like. I'm ok with being alone. I may never find my dark prince. I may be cursed to walk this earth til the end of my days alone. I don't know, and it really doesn't matter cuz I can be me..... But know this.... if and when I do find my dark prince were gonna rule this shit together......

All he needs is everyone I've been
and all he needs is everywhere I've seen

all he needs is anything I've touched
and all you need is everything I've loved

everything I've heard
everything I've learned
everything I've tried
everything I've held
everything I've felt
everything I've lost
everything I've cried

until my whole head shrieks with grinding my teeth
struggling to find a single word I can keep
any kind of truth
any kind of hope
oh just any kind of word that doesn't make me choke

but I keep saying
I will and I won't
I keep saying
I do and I don't
I keep saying I feel
but there is nothing to feel
just a strange kind of nothing
where it used to be me...it used to be me

all he needs from me is everyone I've ever missed
and all he needs from me
everyone I've ever kissed
all he needs from me
anything I've ever sung
and all you need from me is everything I've ever done

everything I've ever said
everything I've ever made
everything I've ever prayed
everything I've ever believed
everything I've ever touched
everything I've ever loved
everything I've ever thought
everything I've ever dreamed

until my whole head screams with grinding my teeth
desperate to find a single word I can keep
any kind of faith
any kind of fix
oh just any kind of word that doesn't make me sick

and I keep saying
I will but I won't
I keep saying I do
but I don't
and I keep saying I feel
but there is nothing to feel
just this strange kind of nothing where it used to be me...

What You See

No life's so short it can't turn around
You can't spend your life living underground
from above you don't hear a sound

And I'm out here
Waiting
I don't understand what you want me to be

I can only be me...

It's the dark you're hating
It's not who I am
But I know that it's all that you see

No life's so short that it never learns
No flame so small that it never burns
No page so sure that it never turns

And I'm out here
Waiting
I don't understand what you want me to be

I can only be me...

It's the dark you're hating
It's not who I am
But I know that it's all that you see

Can you live your life in a day
Putting every moment in play
Never hear a word that I say
As you watch the wheels go round

Tell me if you win would it show
In a thousand years who would know
As a million lives come and go
On this same piece of ground

I've been waiting
I don't understand what you want me to be

I can only be me...

It's the dark you're hating
It's not who I am
But I know that it's all that you see

I'm so far away now
Only dreams from here, but somehow
One day that world I will see

I swear on tomorrow
I will take this chance
My life is this moment
The music, the dance
And here in this labyrinth
Of lost mysteries
I close my eyes on this night
And he's all that I see

He's all that I see...

Sheeted Memories of the Past

By a route obscure and lonely,
Haunted by ill angels only,
Where an Eidolon, named Night,
On a black throne reigns upright,
I have reached these lands but newly
From an ultimate dim Thule-
From a wild clime that lithe, sublime,
Out of space, out of time.

Bottomless vales and boundless floods,
And chasms, and caves, and Titan woods,
With forms that no man can discover
For the tears that drip all over.
Mountains toppling evermore
Into seas without a shore.
Seas that restlessly aspire,
Surging, unto skies of fire.
Lakes that endlessly outspread
Their lone waters- lone and dead,
Their still waters- still and chilly
With the snows of the lolling lily.

By the lakes that thus outspread
Their lone waters, lone and dead.
Their sad waters, sad and chilly
With the snows of the lolling lily.
By the mountains- near the river
Murmuring lowly, murmuring ever,
By the grey woods, by the swamp
Where the toad and the newt encamp.
By the dismal tarns and pools
Where dwell the Ghouls,
By each spot the most unholy.
In each nook most melancholy.
There the traveler meets aghast
Sheeted Memories of the Past.
Shrouded forms that start and sigh
As they pass the wanderer by.
White-robed forms of friends long given,
In agony, to the Earth and Heaven.

For the heart whose woes are legion
'Tis a peaceful, soothing region-
For the spirit that walks in shadow
'Tis- oh, 'tis an Eduardo!
But the traveler, traveling through it,
May not dare not openly view it!
Never its mysteries are exposed
To the weak human eye unclosed.
So wills its King, who has forbid
The uplifting of the fringed lid
And this, the sad Soul that here passes
Beholds it but through darkened glasses.

By a route obscure and lonely,
Haunted by ill angels only,
Where an Eidolon, named Night,
On a black throne reigns upright,
I have wandered home but newly
From this ultimate dim Thule.

Nature

Surviving all to seize the hour
A firm reward, a solitary flower
with pinch of time to propagate
of seed and chance, it must await.


A firm reward, a solitary flower,
but motionless, the dainty tower.
of seed and chance, it must await
and not by dreams or wishing fate.


But motionless, the dainty tower
Completion lies in gusty power,
and not by dreams or wishing fate.
Unmindful patience uncertain date.


Completion lies in gusty power
To cast its genes by seed in shower.
Unmindful patience; uncertain date
To dance in wind, from taut and straight.


The bantam form remains sedate.
with pinch of time to propagate.
An airy blow it must devour,
surviving all to seize the hour.

Dark Lords

The dark hand of death will descend,
The stalking reaper, Lord of End,
From the coldest sky to apprehend
And when he is done, none can mend.


The dark lords laugh in obsidian towers,
Secure in the knowledge of their powers.
Death, Life, Time and Dream they are named...
And for their power, Fate can be blamed.
The burning flame of life will blaze,
Burning fields of reason into a haze...
Of meaningless ash, ruined and charred,
And none can live with life, Lord of Scarred.


From Fate itself was born the four...
From darkened blood door...
For Fate was blind and so unkind...
And while they live, our lives are twined...


The whirring blade of time will destroy.
Lord Inexorable; you are his toy.
It's severing touch cannot be stopped.
Weak or mighty, you will be cropped.


In the towers constructed from hatred's stones,
The Lords of Existence make their home's.
With their father Reason, and Mother Fate...
Insanity guarding the hate-black gate.


It's a corrupted world that dream rules,
Turning saints into sinners, and the wise into fools...
On dream fields of pain, a dark sun shines,
Do not trust Lord Maddened chimes.


The halls of the towers can even be heard...
It seems fitting as far as insanity is concerned.
They whisper the ways to break the rule,
But can you win insanity's duel?


Reason was born from mighty void...
It's existence is subject to those it destroyed.
It doesn't really live, yet exists all the same...
And reasoning with reason is a deadly game.


And Fate is the ruler of them all,
And they respond to her call...
The fall of her attention breeds...
The pain on which the four feeds.


Break Fate with the power of choice...
Strangle Reason with your soul's voice...
Fight down Life with Lives' might...
Beat Dream by keeping Reality in sight...
Halt Time's advance with Glories shawl...
Kill Death with Acceptance's maul...
These are the whisperings of the wall...

Dream with Me

Have a seat upon a cloud
and make yourself at home.
You are now inside my dreams
you will never be alone.....
Where anything can happen
if you only make it real.
Plunge with me into the river
if you're not afraid to feel.
Let me share my dreams with you
until you find your own.
I'll take you there if you believe,
You will never be alone....
Pick the flowers if you like,
and plant a seed or two.
Paint the sky with polka dots
if you dislike the blue.
When your world is filled with rain
and the sun is hiding from sight,
let my dreams caress your mind
and help you through the night.
There's a place inside my dreams
if you care to roam.
So have a seat upon a cloud,
you will never be alone...