Echo's of My Past

I'm not very good at offering up insight into my mind. If you want to know what's on my mind just read my writings. See what I'm painting or drawing. Listen to what I play. I'm well aware of my shortcomings and I'm always putting myself in the shop to improve myself. This is an attempt to be more open......

I may not have a lot to say when shit get's deep but I'm a damn good listener. I'm not one to argue. It takes me about 30 seconds to 3 minutes to pitch my bitch and I'm done. You will hear no more from me. I'm a very analytical mind. I will analyze a problem, dissect it until there is nothing left. Most of my close friend already know this about me. So you must know, I never make a decision without really thinking it through. With me nothing is an accident......

I've been asked many times "what happened" yet I never want to talk about it. It's been over a year. I've hashed it out and suppose now is a better time than any. This is a condensed version but you'll get the gist of it. Everybody has "their side of the story".

This is my story.....

I chose him because I thought he would love me, for me. I thought he would keep me grounded. He was different than anybody I've ever dated. He was a normal man, with a normal life, with a normal job and completely oblivious to my type of lifestyle. Not a music man.

 Hind sight is 20/20 and I can see for miles.....

At the time that's what I thought I needed and wanted. (It is what I want and need) Now it is crystal clear that yes, he loved me but not for me. How many times I've cried to myself because I always had to explain why I write what I write, why I paint what I paint, why I am who I am. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I've ever done or didn't do, is under a microscope. I just want to be me.....

I've always been faithful, loyal and honest to the dying end. I have proven myself time and time again. Even though he knew in his heart of hearts he could trust me, I don't think he really trusted me. TRUST is everything to me. Without that nothing else really matters. I guess maybe he did trust me but was so insecure and always thought that somebody would steal me away from him. He always said his biggest fear was, that I would leave him. I would always tell him that he would create his biggest fear to come true. One cannot be stolen......

Yes, I left a damn near perfect man for no other reason than I just want to be me.... I'm a good girl and I don't wanna explain myself anymore. It hurts me to know I've broken his heart into a million pieces but I know it's is for the best. I know giving him the house and everything in it plus vehicles don't make anything better but I hope it would make the transition easier for him. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. It took me a long time to hash this out in my mind. I had to let him go. For my own peace of mind. I just can't do it anymore. I just want to be me.....

The irony of it all is he made me into him, and I made him into me. He's now a music man, in a great band doing great things while I tried desperately to cling onto what little bit of me was left. WTF How seriously twisted is that. I'm not broken, not at all. I feel more alive than I have in a long while. In the year we've been apart, I have found myself again. I am me, again. Whole again and I can breath again.... I suppose I'm ready to date again even though I'm really not looking. I have been alone with no lover for such a long time that I've forgotten what it feels like. I'm ok with being alone. I may never find my dark prince. I may be cursed to walk this earth til the end of my days alone. I don't know, and it really doesn't matter cuz I can be me..... But know this.... if and when I do find my dark prince were gonna rule this shit together......

All he needs is everyone I've been
and all he needs is everywhere I've seen

all he needs is anything I've touched
and all you need is everything I've loved

everything I've heard
everything I've learned
everything I've tried
everything I've held
everything I've felt
everything I've lost
everything I've cried

until my whole head shrieks with grinding my teeth
struggling to find a single word I can keep
any kind of truth
any kind of hope
oh just any kind of word that doesn't make me choke

but I keep saying
I will and I won't
I keep saying
I do and I don't
I keep saying I feel
but there is nothing to feel
just a strange kind of nothing
where it used to be me...it used to be me

all he needs from me is everyone I've ever missed
and all he needs from me
everyone I've ever kissed
all he needs from me
anything I've ever sung
and all you need from me is everything I've ever done

everything I've ever said
everything I've ever made
everything I've ever prayed
everything I've ever believed
everything I've ever touched
everything I've ever loved
everything I've ever thought
everything I've ever dreamed

until my whole head screams with grinding my teeth
desperate to find a single word I can keep
any kind of faith
any kind of fix
oh just any kind of word that doesn't make me sick

and I keep saying
I will but I won't
I keep saying I do
but I don't
and I keep saying I feel
but there is nothing to feel
just this strange kind of nothing where it used to be me...