This is another taboo subject for me. I don't like
discussing how I feel and it's hard when I don't understand what I'm feeling. Harder
yet when I don't like all the aspects. I'd like to push it way down inside me and pretend
it's not there but that isn't going to work in this case. I'll ignore it, change
the subject, or do something to distract everybody from the questions I don't
want to answer. I know a thing or two about distraction and I'm very good at
it.....
In my attempt to continue on this path of openness I'm going
to share my thoughts on the mystery man you've all been questioning me about.
I'm not going to name anybody so don't ask. I will never tell, and if you
pressure me it will only make me retreat, I still won't tell, and you'll get
nothing. My parents and very close friends already know whom I'm referring to as
for the rest of you, you'll just get a glimpse of what goes on in my twisted little
mind. I'll probably ramble a lot and go from one subject to another and you'll
probably notice I have an internal battle within myself. As far as "I
feel" goes, at least I'm feeling something. Even if I don't understand it.
I've been so numb for so long feeling anything is a step. It's nice to know
that I'm capable of some kind of emotion. I'm not dead after all, imagine that.
Ha!
I know I wouldn't be getting asked all the time about this
if it wasn't so far out of charter for me. It's not like me to take an interest
in anyone I have never met. Let alone on the other side of the earth, not to
mention a great musician. Yeah, ok that last part might be a stretch. I've
dated a couple well known musicians but I knew them. It's not like I stumbled
upon them or vise versa. What bothers me most is superficial and stupid but
true enough. I don't want to be one of those woman that chases some musician around
for I'm not even sure what? Please tell me, I haven't become one of those girls
I tease. I'm not some delusional fan with a weird crush. Right? If that's the
case please just hang me now.......
I cannot explain this on any rational level. I'm a practical,
rational thinker and whatever this is, it isn't logical or rational. It just
is. That's why I believe I have this internal battle within. I live in my mind,
I think way to much, I over analyze everything to the point I drive myself
crazy. If I could get rid of the microscope I might be alright. I'll say one
thing, then turn around and contradict myself immediately. I'm done trying to
make sense out of something that makes no sense (logically anyway). In a
metaphysical way it makes perfect sense. Why do I always feel like I only make
sense to myself? Because I am misunderstood and I only make sense to myself......
This is different than anything I've ever experienced before
all the way around. I don't even know what to call it. What is it? A crush,
infatuation, a spiritual connection, or just insanity? I don't chase men, men
chase me. That's how it is, that's how it is meant to be. I never have in the
past, so why start now? Cuz, I can't stop it, and I've finally lost my frickin
mind. Yup, I've let my mind wonder so far that now I cannot find it......
Being I am a sensitive, I can only go on what I feel around
me, what the universe and my dreams tells me. If you listen carefully and
quietly everything around us, speaks to us. I'm drawn to water and it speaks to
me. The wind, the plants and trees, the animals, the mountain, fire, metal, the
cosmos, all of it speaks a language. It will show you the way but you have to
be paying attention. You just have to listen and be a good listener then it makes
perfect sense......
I suppose it started
with the music. The first time I heard it, it drew me in like a vortex, and I wanted
more. I'm curious by nature. The music was so powerful it sucked me right in. As
I lay there listening, I can't help but wonder who the hell is the man behind
the music. This is better than good, better than great, this is like a black
hole that sucks everything in. That's what I mean when I say powerful music. I
can't say I've ever heard anything quite on that level. The more I learn the
more intrigued I am. Now, I want to paint him. Really, I want to touch him but
I can't so I will draw. It's the next best thing. Every time I see a picture, or
hear that voice, I want to reach out and touch him. It so frustrating at times,
because that urge to touch him is just so strong. As I travel further down the
rabbit hole the dreams start. Little flashes of this and little bits of that.
"I feel" I guess is the keyword here. Don't ask me what, it's a bunch
of stuff that I cannot adequately explain.....
This man has got me firing on all cylinders, and don't even
know it. He knows I have a thing but I'm sure that's as far as that goes. When
I write to him, I write whatever pops in my mind. I write it and send it so
fast I don't have a chance to edit anything. If I was to slow down, edit, or wait
a second before sending he'd get nothing but a hello and goodbye. In the past I've
been drawn in by the music, physical appearance, sexuality, or intellect. This
time I've been hit on all sides, all at the same time. It's somewhat of a
sensory overload but I'm not complaining. I can't turn it off, he's not going
anywhere and I have been blinded forever more......
The other day I respond to a post. I suppose it was a friend
of his that made a statement to me regarding fish. I wish I could remember
exactly what he said but it threw me way off. I didn't get the whole fish
statement. I think I said something that probably makes no sense to anybody but
myself along the lines of fish don't eat this worm. I don't know, I was so
perplexed on the fish statement when I went back to re-read the statement it
was gone. I suppose the guy deleted it for some reason, or was it ever there at
all? Did I have a vision and didn't realize it or did I just imagine the fish
statement? Hell, I don't know but it was weird....
After the Vampire's Ball we had an after party. I was pretty
buzzed, maybe ate one to many magic brownies, too much hash and had plenty
enough to drink. Someone said something that reminded me that I wasn't supposed
to be there. I should have been on a damn plane. Kind of a buzz kill, so I went
out back and laid under the stars to collect my thoughts. I look up into the
night sky and I see the constellation Pieces just as clear as day. Of course
right at that moment it hit me. I get it now! The fish statement and all. I
didn't see any fish but should have. I can't believe I missed it. I guess you
need to smack me across the face with a pair of fish. He is Pieces, now that
makes sense......
This doesn't make much sense logically but metaphysically it
makes perfect sense now. I see the world through a different pair of glasses.
It's often stimulating, but too abstruse for the average reader. Try to stay
with me here. I'm going to try for a lucid explanation and keep it simple to
understand (I hope). I usually loose most of you when I go into the
metaphysical world.....
Have you ever heard, The Music of the Spheres? How about Harmony of the
Spheres? The music of the Spheres incorporates the metaphysical principle that
relationships express qualities or tones of energy which manifest in visual
angles, shapes and sounds. All connected within a pattern of proportion. The
pitch of a musical note is in proportion to the length of the string that
produces it, and that intervals between harmonious sound frequencies. The Sun,
Moon and planets all emit their own unique hum based on their orbital
revolution. The quality of life on Earth reflects the tenor of celestial sounds.
Astrology has a base 12 cycle in common with music. In music theory there
are intervals which are more harmonious than others. If music theory can be
applied to astrology, then the most harmonious to least harmonious aspects are
conjunction, quincunx, sextile, square, trine, semi sextile and opposition. Astronomy
and music are twinned in sensual recognition. Astronomy for the eyes, music for
the ears, and both requiring each other.....
I believe any
relationship should balance strengths and weaknesses. Too much of even a
seemingly good thing is often bland and unproductive, meaning that two
"astronomical twins" who have the same planet alignments, were born
at the same time, in the same place, etc, are not always the most compatible.
Rarely are even the most narcissistic of people excited about the possibility
of being in a relationship with themselves. So healthy or positive synastry
between two is about blending and complementing another’s energies to create a
healthy synergy......
Consider the zodiac as a circle
or belt of fixed stars surrounding the Solar System. These fixed stars serve as
landmarks in the sky. As the planets orbit the sun at their respective speeds
and rhythms, when viewed from earth they appear to be in a particular
constellation of the zodiac (area of the sky). Aspects have to do with the
distance between planets as they travel. Aspects are measured in degrees since
they all are moving within a big circle around the sun. Each of the 12 signs of
the Zodiac occupies 30 degrees of the 360 degree circle. For example, if Mars
is passing through the area of Pieces and Venus is traveling through Virgo, at
a certain time they will be exactly 120 degrees apart. This aspect is called a
trine. A trine is considered the most positive aspect because it is between
similar energies and therefore easily blended. It is between the earth sign
Virgo and the water sign Pieces. If, however, Mars was in Virgo but Venus was
in Scorpio, this aspect would be a sextile or 60 degrees apart. They are
separated by one sign or constellation between them. The sextile is also a
positive aspect because the energies complement one another. In this case they
represent the elements of earth and water, which in nature need or support each
other.....
Compatibility between a man and
woman when a man's Mars is conjunct with (in the same position as) a woman’s
Venus, this denotes a very primal and urgent attraction. They represent the
opposite energies in the zodiac and in nature. Venus is the Female principle
and Mars is the Male. The combination of attraction /Affection (Venus) and
Passion (Mars) is 'the stuff of great love stories'......
I can apply this same principal
to the yin and yang to give you a different view of the same thing. Yin
represents female characterized as slow, soft, yielding, diffuse, cold, wet,
and passive; and is associated with water, earth, the moon, femininity and
nighttime. Yang represents male. By contrast, is fast, hard, solid, focused,
hot, dry, and aggressive; and is associated with fire, sky, the sun,
masculinity and daytime. Yin is the black side with the white dot on it and
yang is the white side with the black dot on it. The relationship between yin
and yang is like sunlight playing over a mountain and in the valley. Yin
(literally the 'shady place' or 'north slope') is the dark area occluded by the
mountain's bulk, while yang (literally the 'sunny place' or 'south slope') is
the brightly lit portion. As the sun moves across the sky, yin and yang
gradually trade places with each other, revealing what was obscured and
obscuring what was revealed......
I never gave astrology a thought
until my epiphany under the stars the other night. I'm a sensitive, I don't
have to. They talk to me through emotion and feeling. I hear it whether I want
to or not just not in the sense most think. When I'm asked how I know the
things I know. I can't explain it. I get bits and pieces through many different
things which is another thing I really can't explain. I'll go to bed with an
issue in my head and wake up with a crystal clear answer and I don't know where
it came from but I know it to be as true as I'm sitting here. You may have read
previous poems and such that I have written with him in mind. I didn't know it
at the time but there are lots of references to light. Now I understand where
all those reference are coming from. He is light to my dark. That's gotta be
why he is so calming to me......
So you see it's quite simple
really. It's in the music, it's in the stars, it's all around me. I just can't
believe it took me this long to get it. My actions may be quick but I'm slower
than a damn snail. This is why I fight with myself. My logical side rejects
this whole notion while my spiritual side affirms, confirms, and approves. It's
like having the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. My angels
wings may be black and tainted but metaphysically she's kicking the shit out of
logic until the next battle resumes.......
