Everything that Matters

Yesterday was an extremely rough day for me. Sunday I returned home from a long weekend to find a letter that must have fallen behind the desk from the court saying I had to be there on Monday October 10th. I had plans and a flight scheduled to leave Chicago directly after the Vampire's Ball to go to Paris to see a great show for my birthday and meet a wonderful man. To find out on Sunday that I have to cancel my flight, hotel room, and show, didn't sit well with me. On the other hand this court date is a means to an end of a difficult chapter in my life. Timing couldn't be any worse, and there's nothing I can do about it. Luckily, there will be several other shows coming up this winter. So I'll still get to see a great show and meet a great man. I'll just have to wait a little longer. Patients is a virtue I have yet to acquire. Since I can't change it, I will change the way I think about it. It will be worth the wait because once I get there I'm staying awhile. I'm going to plant myself on the mountain, ski and finish my novel. With any luck at all my friend will come chill on the mountain with me. Since he's a writer as well, maybe it will be good for him. Never know where you may find some inspiration.....

I fell asleep Sunday night and had terrible dreams all night long of my step mother in the hospital. Her body has gone into toxic shock which is shutting down her organs. In the end they will cut off her hands and feet. I know this is going to happen, and it will be soon. I don't have the heart to tell my father just how bad it's gonna get. He's already upset and it's hard on him to see his wife of twenty years laying in a hospital bed in ICU.

I dreamt of this all night long. I'd wake up, stay awake long enough to where I didn't think I'd go back into that terrible dream to find I'm right back in hell, dreaming the same thing over and over and over again. This hell went on all night long. I hate knowing the things I know. I hate seeing the things I see. It takes a toll on me mentally, physically, and emotionally. Then to wake up afraid, emotionally drained, and all alone. I just had a complete melt down.

My brother from another mother, Dave. We somewhat talked about all this yesterday on facebook. Sometimes it's what you don't say. I told him what was eating at me. He responds to everything I mentioned except what's going to happen to my step mom. It didn't register for several hours that he got it. A few hours later, Dave is at my door. He drove all the way here even though I said I didn't need him to come, after just leaving me Sunday afternoon, all because I felt so alone, needed a hug, and someone to tell me as bad as it's gonna get everything will be ok. I was not ok yesterday, by any means and he always can see it for what it really is, no matter what I say, he get's it. Thankfully I don't have melt down's or bad days very often. I'm the incurable optimist. In a world of grey I'm pretty much always happy.

Dave's my rock, my best friend, and business partner. We've been friends since we were kids. Nobody knows me better than Dave. I couldn't have a better friend. He's been there for me through all kinds of crazy. I've called him from the mountains of British Columbia telling him I've lost everything. He packed up the motor home, and came to get me. I call him from Germany telling him everything has fallen apart and I'm done and wanna come home. So he sets everything up and gets me home. He's been there through my divorce, deaths of family and of the ones I've loved.  I love you Dave, you mean the world to me and I don't know what I'd do without you..... Thank you for everything!!!!!