Beautiful Soul

I wished the day when all days would never end,
just so I can see you, my thoughts wander, they tend.
I often think of the beauty within.

Solidified birds of heaven's gates
shining with golden wings while I await.
In one snap of his all mighty fingers
and a beautiful soul will forever linger.

Stained to this planet of death and plague
This beam of light shines through him like our nations flag.
Showing peace and equity forever today.
He leaves nothing but color in a world of gray.

You're everything that's good,
The world could do no better.
Hopefully this bottle that's thrown to the sea,
will reach your doorstep before you disagree.

Angels call to the sound of your voice
and nothing else matters.....
Unbelievable songs ring in my ears,
when you whisper the letters of beauty and tears.

So enough of the past, and future alike,
and hopefully you'll realize before the end of the night.
You're the most beautiful person I've never met.
and I'm lucky to have received the best I could get.....

In My Mind's Eye

I had a vision if you please.

A vision only my mind's eye sees,

and in this passing of the night,

I saw you, my guiding light.

A beauty only few women find,

a heart that's gentle, sweet and kind.

With big beautiful eyes, and brilliant hands I want to hold.

Your endless beauty touched my soul.

It put aflame a fire grown dim

which spread in me from limb to limb.

I smiled and felt my worries lift,

and to me, this was your gift.

I'm sure if I touched your hand,

it would be like the music of a magical band.

The softness of your embrace,

I'd know forever I'd be graced.

You're something beautiful, wild and free,

in the vision only my mind's eye sees.

Then I wake, and all is gone.

But your memory's there to linger on.

I wait for night to fall my friend,

so I may see you once again.

This is how you came to me.

In a vision only my mind's eye sees.....

"They" Came

I suppose you could all me a marijuana connoisseur of sorts. I love smoking it. I make THC oils and butter so I can cook and bake with it. I grow it, different kinds and flavors, even blueberry, peach, and cherry if you like it fruity. I use it when brewing beer. Marijuana is now legal in my state. It's still a federal offense but legal as far as the state is concerned. If you can wrap your mind around that one....

You can have up to five clients. For each client you can have up to twelve plants. Now here's the kicker. Each client can only have one ounce per month and I can only have up to 5 ounces at any given time. How they came up with this calculation is beyond me. Every plant will yield a different amount. If I was to cut just one plant I'd have over four ounces. So, I start growing smaller plants but still end up over the legal limit. A few days ago "they" showed up at my door. I'm not sure why. Maybe to ensure I'm within the legal limits as far as how many plants I have and how much product I have on hand. Luckily I knew "they" were coming. I dreamt it. I've been expecting them for a couple weeks now, so I was ready for them. I couldn't leave the house because I knew "they" were coming. I didn't know when but knew it would be soon. I needed to be home when "they" came. Very thankful I knew or it would have been a really bad day.

I may not be able to save everyone but it's nice to know that I can save my own ass when push comes to shove. As soon as you go legal and put your name on paper "they" show up at your home, hassle you, and have something to say. I was expecting the unexpected but I wasn't expecting all the anxiety and hassle.  It isn't worth it to me to take the risk of having them back. I'm not the all seeing eye.......

Sirens

A friend of a friend gave me a call last night. Asking if I would be interested in dating her cousin that just happens be to a wealthy business man. She spoke of this man's wealth like it was all he has to offer. "But, he has a eighty thousand dollar car", she says. Honestly, I could care less how much his car cost. An inexpensive car does the same thing? Money doesn't make the man and it sure the hell doesn't make any difference to me. I could care less, how much money a man makes. I'm my own woman, and make my own money. I don't need anybody to take care of me. It's not the clothes a person wears, the music we listen to, nor physical appearance that reveals who we are, it's what lives within.....

Your life is your garden, your thoughts are your seeds. If your life isn't great then you've been watering the weeds. I take pity on the ladies who are only chasing the money. You will never be happy. As for me, I'll never stop smiling because I'll never stop loving the little things in life......

From the darkness they ride

with their veils pulled up to hide

the glowing eyes in their faces

covering the expansive spaces

they ride to the sounds of dark pleasure

spreading the joy of that intense treasure

bringing silken cords with which to bind

their hands by lovers they find

studded and only seeking money

to fulfill their burning wishes

hair braided, black as night

for their masters to grip tight

as they're bound and hotly drip

masters commandingly slip

into their begging faces

and other keenly receptive places

leaving them almost sated

and when their masters sleep

their dark mission they keep

into the night they ride

so to seek more glittering treasure

on their knees, a dark pleasure

Dream Within A Dream

Since I was young I've had precognitive dreams. For a long time I couldn't tell the difference between what was just a dream and what was more. Now after years of practice I know what is just dream and what is more than just a dream. When it's just a dream and nothing more it's like a movie with no feelings. When it's not just a dream I see it like flashes of pictures in my mind and feel emotion as well. A lot of times I know what's gonna happen long before it actually happens.

When I was roughly 21 years old some girlfriends and I were invited to a party. As we pulled into the driveway I had a vision. That's what I call it. I knew the place even though I had never been there before. I sat there quietly trying to remember the dream. Recalling the layout of the inside of the house. I knew something bad was going to happen but I couldn't remember what. I could remember the emotion of panic. We got out of the car and walked into the house. Everything was just like my dream. The color of the walls, the layout of the house, right down to the black lab and his name. The dog's name was Sargent. I went to the bathroom to be alone with my thoughts for a minute. Trying to recall the dream. I knew something bad was going to happen but for the life of me I couldn't remember what. I wanted to leave immediately. So I told the girls I had a bad feeling about the party and convinced them that we should leave. The following day we found out that some guy showed up to that party, shot two people and killed them.

Ever since that incident I started to keep a dream journal. I record all my dreams. I make them into a poem, or a short story. Many things like the story I just told has happened over the years. Some good, some not so good. Most of the time I'll see something random like a shop sign, or someone will say something, a song will start playing, something very random that normally would mean nothing will trigger a vision. I'll see those flashes of pictures and know immediately I'm going to run into so and so that I haven't seen in a long time. I know what's going to happen just before it happens.

I believe I dreamt about the tsunami in Japan a year before it happened.  I kept having dreams of water, lots of water. A huge wave washing everything away. The emotion was pure panic and chaos, people running everywhere. I really didn't see people in my dream but I could feel their emotions. I'm not sure how I knew, but I knew it wasn't in the US. The landscape was wrong for the United States.

I can gage how long until an event happens by how often I have the same dream. I'll have the same type of dream over and over. Flashes of pictures with emotion. The dreams will get more and more frequent until it happens then the dreams will stop. I have a tendency to mess with my close friends. I'll tell them such and such is gonna happen then when it does, I'll get that look. Not everything I see is bad. I see good stuff to. I also see stuff that is neither good nor bad it's just random like a conversation.

Sometimes I dream of people I have yet to meet. I know more about them, than what I should, considering I haven't met them yet. My friend Michelle is a great example. Before I met her I dreamt of her. I knew she was a dancer and singer, she wore the color blue often, had a pool, a black cat named Sam, drove a white car, and brushed her teeth more than 3 times a day. I would also dream of dancing together.  The day I met her she was auditioning for Bite. As soon as I seen her on that stage I knew she was that girl from my dreams. We've been friends ever since. So far every stranger from my dreams, once we meet, is a part of my everyday life. I doesn't happen often but very cool when it does....

Take this kiss upon the brow
And, in parting from you now
Thus much let me avow
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day
In a vision, or in none
Is it therefore the less done?
All that I see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep
While I weep
Can I not grasp them
with a tighter clasp?
Can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that I see or seem
But a dream within a dream

The Message

This is in response to all of your messages and/or posts regarding my Sunday evenings post Echo's of My Past......

I'm truly sorry if I offended anybody by waiting so long to reveal my story. To those of you who think I killed a great man. I won't argue, I know I broke his heart. I never meant to hurt anybody. I bowed out as gracefully as I knew how. Sometimes you have to be your own hero. I did what I thought was best for both of us. I'm not the right woman for him. He will be a good husband to someone, it just won't be me. In time, he will see......

I know many of you are shocked to find out that "something happened" let alone I've been single for quite some time. I'm slow and it takes me awhile to sort things out. Part of the reason I didn't announce this a long time ago is because even though I say I'm ready to date. I don't want anybody asking me out. I don't want anybody trying to play matchmaker either. If it is to be, I will find my Prince on my terms, in my time, my way, by myself. Most of you, know me well enough to know if I like someone, they'll know it. More than likely, I'll come right out and tell them. So, if that hasn't happened it probably won't. I do sound like "The Bitch Goddess" don't I? Geez, I just don't know how else to say it other than just saying it......

Moral of the message.... I'm sorry and don't ask me out......

Fire on your finger

Fire in your eye

Fire in your spirit

Fire that won’t die..

Fire in the bare bones of being

Fire to uphold what’s right

Fire in the heart of darkness

Fire to fuel Love’s light...

Fire to burn but not consume

Fire to learn and not assume

Fire to live and give room

Fire to love and sing her tune......

Echo's of My Past

I'm not very good at offering up insight into my mind. If you want to know what's on my mind just read my writings. See what I'm painting or drawing. Listen to what I play. I'm well aware of my shortcomings and I'm always putting myself in the shop to improve myself. This is an attempt to be more open......

I may not have a lot to say when shit get's deep but I'm a damn good listener. I'm not one to argue. It takes me about 30 seconds to 3 minutes to pitch my bitch and I'm done. You will hear no more from me. I'm a very analytical mind. I will analyze a problem, dissect it until there is nothing left. Most of my close friend already know this about me. So you must know, I never make a decision without really thinking it through. With me nothing is an accident......

I've been asked many times "what happened" yet I never want to talk about it. It's been over a year. I've hashed it out and suppose now is a better time than any. This is a condensed version but you'll get the gist of it. Everybody has "their side of the story".

This is my story.....

I chose him because I thought he would love me, for me. I thought he would keep me grounded. He was different than anybody I've ever dated. He was a normal man, with a normal life, with a normal job and completely oblivious to my type of lifestyle. Not a music man.

 Hind sight is 20/20 and I can see for miles.....

At the time that's what I thought I needed and wanted. (It is what I want and need) Now it is crystal clear that yes, he loved me but not for me. How many times I've cried to myself because I always had to explain why I write what I write, why I paint what I paint, why I am who I am. Everything I say, everything I do, everything I've ever done or didn't do, is under a microscope. I just want to be me.....

I've always been faithful, loyal and honest to the dying end. I have proven myself time and time again. Even though he knew in his heart of hearts he could trust me, I don't think he really trusted me. TRUST is everything to me. Without that nothing else really matters. I guess maybe he did trust me but was so insecure and always thought that somebody would steal me away from him. He always said his biggest fear was, that I would leave him. I would always tell him that he would create his biggest fear to come true. One cannot be stolen......

Yes, I left a damn near perfect man for no other reason than I just want to be me.... I'm a good girl and I don't wanna explain myself anymore. It hurts me to know I've broken his heart into a million pieces but I know it's is for the best. I know giving him the house and everything in it plus vehicles don't make anything better but I hope it would make the transition easier for him. It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make. It took me a long time to hash this out in my mind. I had to let him go. For my own peace of mind. I just can't do it anymore. I just want to be me.....

The irony of it all is he made me into him, and I made him into me. He's now a music man, in a great band doing great things while I tried desperately to cling onto what little bit of me was left. WTF How seriously twisted is that. I'm not broken, not at all. I feel more alive than I have in a long while. In the year we've been apart, I have found myself again. I am me, again. Whole again and I can breath again.... I suppose I'm ready to date again even though I'm really not looking. I have been alone with no lover for such a long time that I've forgotten what it feels like. I'm ok with being alone. I may never find my dark prince. I may be cursed to walk this earth til the end of my days alone. I don't know, and it really doesn't matter cuz I can be me..... But know this.... if and when I do find my dark prince were gonna rule this shit together......

All he needs is everyone I've been
and all he needs is everywhere I've seen

all he needs is anything I've touched
and all you need is everything I've loved

everything I've heard
everything I've learned
everything I've tried
everything I've held
everything I've felt
everything I've lost
everything I've cried

until my whole head shrieks with grinding my teeth
struggling to find a single word I can keep
any kind of truth
any kind of hope
oh just any kind of word that doesn't make me choke

but I keep saying
I will and I won't
I keep saying
I do and I don't
I keep saying I feel
but there is nothing to feel
just a strange kind of nothing
where it used to be me...it used to be me

all he needs from me is everyone I've ever missed
and all he needs from me
everyone I've ever kissed
all he needs from me
anything I've ever sung
and all you need from me is everything I've ever done

everything I've ever said
everything I've ever made
everything I've ever prayed
everything I've ever believed
everything I've ever touched
everything I've ever loved
everything I've ever thought
everything I've ever dreamed

until my whole head screams with grinding my teeth
desperate to find a single word I can keep
any kind of faith
any kind of fix
oh just any kind of word that doesn't make me sick

and I keep saying
I will but I won't
I keep saying I do
but I don't
and I keep saying I feel
but there is nothing to feel
just this strange kind of nothing where it used to be me...