My Bleeding Heart

Born March 11, 1927 -  Died March 11, 2001. Yes, on his birthday 10 years ago. My grandfather passed away. He was a brilliant man, with an unbelievable imagination and the gift to make great music. He was a philosopher, actor, artist, writer, and musician. I was his shadow, looked up to him. Wanted to be just like him when I grew up. In my eyes he could do no wrong. As I think of him tears streak down my face. How I miss that man with a passion. One of the smartest men I've ever known. Always seemed he could answer every question I ever had no matter how uncomfortable the topic. I can tell you, and my mother would agree that as a child I had some pretty tuff questions. I would ask things most children wouldn't be thinking, let alone asking. No topic was taboo or off limits. He and I did everything together right to his last breath.

He also had a passion for travel, love of different cultures, and the arts. Sometimes we'd be out of the country and sometimes within. When we were in the States we'd take his motor home. I call it the bus because it was just like a tour bus but better stocked and not so many riders. In the summer when school was out we'd take off cross country. We never made it back till just before school was to start again. We would go from city to city seeing the sights, show's, plays, experiencing all the beauties of the land and the people. He would drive of course and I his co-pilot. I'd sit there playing my guitar while he drove. He'd listened to me play, instruct me and give me tips. I remember several times I'd be screwing it up so he'd pull over, right there on the side of whatever highway or back road to show me or start talking music theory. I remember (a few years before he passed) laying under the stars out in the desert at night, stars so bright, so close if felt like you could reach out and touch them. I would tell him what I see in my dreams. We would talk about all kinds of unconventional stuff. We would talk for hours and he'd never get bored. He always had a unique way of seeing things. He could always keep my interest no matter what the topic. I love my grandfather and miss him something terrible.

When his life force had extinguished he left me all his cultural artifacts from around the world, the bus, instruments, paintings, equipment and a few hundred acres of wooded land. The money was divided up equally between his children and grandchildren. He knew I didn't care about money so he didn't leave me any. He left me all the good stuff that nobody but me really cared about anyway. I got his legacy, they got the money and all is well. I was with him when he crossed over whispering in his ear the way home. I sang to him until he quit breathing. It took me several years to even be able to cry. I don't think I started the grieving process till three years after his death. It was just too painful, I went numb and pushed it way down deep inside me where it sat and waited.

A lot of things have changed since his passing. I have dealt with the loss as best I know how and have found some inner peace. He's always with me in spirit, his light shimmers through me, forever and always. I am the woman I am today because of his influence. He taught me the ways of the world. The soul always knows how to heal itself. The problem is silencing the mind......

I've moved all over the country and I've traveled this plant from corner to corner in search of something. Still to this day I don't know what I'm searching for. I'm a restless spirit, always looking for the next adventure, searching for my place in this world. What do you do when nowhere really feels like home? What do you do when you only make sense to yourself? What do you do when you see things and know things others don't? What do you do when your heart aches for a man it probably can't have? I'm not running away from anything. I might be running towards something. I don't know. As I write and think about this, all I can do is cry. I've cried so many tears I could fill the ocean's. I've been searching for the needle in the haystack. For me, who's woes are legion all I really want is the same peace I had when it was he and I. He understood me. Even when he didn't  understand, he would take the time to understand. Open minded, gentle, kind, and the best man I've ever known. I want him back! His light always guided me and now that light is extinguished and nothing will ever be the same.....

I had never been as happy and so at peace than when I was with him. The world made more sense back then. He knew how to silence my fears and quiet the nightmares. He was everything that was good and right. He still speaks to me but my sorrow keeps it to a muffled whisper. I can hear him say, "The risk that might break you, is also the one that might set you free". I don't know what that means to me........

The ground is full of broken stones
The last leaf has fallen
I have nowhere to turn now
Not east, not west, north or south

And all that's ahead of me
And everything I know
I know nothing
So bring me home

Put me on a plate with petals and a fire
And send me out to sea
Turn my angry sword against my heart
And let me free

The dawn holds the heaviness of the night
I've heard the restless sighs and lovers lies
The brook, the beach and seen the devil's eyes
So bring me home

I've cried for the lives I've lost
Like a child in need of love

Oh, I've been so close but far away from God
My tears flow like a child's in need of love
I've cried the tears so let the tide take me
I won't fight, I've cried the tears

The small step I need to take is a mountain
Stretched out like a lazy dog
Send me to slaughter
Lay me on the railway line

I'm far away from God
My tears flow like a child's in need of love
I've cried the tears so build the fire
And light the flame, bring me home