Half Hour in my Mind

 I may have over reacted yesterday. After posting the photo Victoria Secret chose. I got a flood of messages from men that I don't know asking me out, asking for sex, telling me how hot I am, or what they want to do to me, asking me to call them, and/ or meet for drinks. I'm not just some bimbo that looks good in a bikini. This is why I like to lurk in the shadows. Also why I prefer not to be in the spotlight anymore. I would rather be behind the scenes backing the ones I love and my friends. I would rather do the footwork for others and make their dreams come true. I've gone above and beyond to make it as difficult as possible for anybody that doesn't know me to figure out WHO I really am. I have more alias, pen names, and stage names than anybody I know. So far it's worked pretty well for me. Not to many have figured it out. Most by chance or by someone they know that knows things. Yet, I sometimes forget that I have fans and people that don't know me on facebook. That page is for my family and friends only. It's when I post a picture or something that the dogs come out of the woodwork. It's like that little pink thing hanging out. Eeewww.....This is why you don't see many pictures of me on there. The only one's who commented or "liked" my photo were my true friends. The others sent me stupid messages. Those kind of messages is why I don't have anything to do with the web pages and e-mails. I guess I can't handle that "kind" of attention. I don't want it. To be honest, messages like that offend me. Nobody talks to me like that. Those guys obviously have no idea what it's like to court a lady. I mean, really what were they thinking? Did they actually think I was gonna say, ok here's my address why don't you come over and bone me or something? One even asked me why I play hard to get? {Screams} I don't play hard to get, I am hard to get and your tactics stink!!!! I wanted to go through my friends list and delete everybody I don't know but I can't stick them all in the fucked up box. I suppose that would be unfair to the one's who are nice and don't say stupid things to me. So, I posted a public message telling them all to knock it off and go away. Then I messaged each one of them with the web link and deleted them from my friends. Thank you Dave for handling my e-mails and web pages. Also, thank you for not telling me what kind of messages I get. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!! I sure couldn't deal with that crap everyday........

On a lighter note, I leave this afternoon for New Orleans then off to Montreal. When I get back home from these shows I'm going to rest a few days, do some trick or treating with the the Compound kids then I'm leaving for a while. I gotta get out of here, and clear my head. I don't know where I'm going or when I'll be back. I assure you I won't be gone for months or anything. I will stay in the country so no worries. (Dave) I will be back in time for the Nov. shows. I'll have my phone but as usual it won't be turned on unless I have to for some reason or another. I'll be checking my facebook daily so you all can catch me there if you want to. I have questions that I need answered and I'm not getting them here. I keep loosing weight and that is not good for me.  I really haven't been taking good care of myself lately. I have no room for anymore weight loss. I'm now down to 108 and can't seem to get a handle on it. I think I have to much going on right now. My head is overloaded with way to much stuff. I'm a very mixed up girl right now and I think that's part to blame for this weight issue. I want to get lost. Really truly lost. Maybe then I'll be able to answer these questions and find myself again. You know, this open thing really is good for me. I had no idea it would be this good for me or maybe I would have tried a long time ago. It seems, when I write whatever it is I'm writing about, getting it out makes me whole. I'm finding that I have stuffed many issues way down deep inside and forgot about them. Lately, it's all coming to the surface. One after another. I forgot about these things you see. I'm done with pushing things down inside. From here on out I'll deal with them as they come. It took a long time for me to truly deal with the loss of my grandfather. I love him and miss him terribly. After my post My Bleeding Heart I cried for days but I'm good now. It's been dealt with and put to bed. Well, it's kind of put to bed. He keeps telling me, "The risk that might break you is also the one that might set you free". I don't know what this means to me. It could be several things, it could be all things, I need to figure out what this means to me. I've been thinking about it for over a week and still don't have a clue. When I write about all these things it's my way of truly dealing with it. You know, I had thought on several posts that maybe it wasn't a good idea. Echo's of my past was the first good bad idea. I got some back lash that I didn't want to defend. I hate being the cause of someone else's pain. Never less, he did attempt to choke the life out of me and I just laid there without a fight and let him. When he got no reaction he stopped. He had slowly killed me over the years. I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at myself for allowing it to happen. You can't kill what is already dead!! I'm over him and all the bullshit that went with it. I was over it long before I left.

 The post Logic Vs. Metaphysics is another that was difficult for me. When your a sensitive and you feel everything sometimes it's hard to tell what is yours. Sometimes they become entwined and it confuses me. Although, after writing that, I was at peace. Nothing was racing through my head, so it seemed I answered all my own questions and was ok with what I found. I was so at peace none of the other stuff that's been trampling my mind even came up. In fact, I had nothing to say about anything for days. I haven't had peace like that is such a long time. Of course, I knew it wouldn't last. Couldn't last because of the odd nature of it all. I knew after writing that post it wouldn't be over. You guys just have more questions. Things I hadn't really thought about. Then the thing that happened last week. It just keeps getting weirder and weirder. I don't want to invade his personal space. I don't want to be the cause of anything unpleasant for him. I don't know what happened but I'm afraid it will happen again and I don't know how to stop it. I already feel like I've wronged him in several ways. I accidently invade his personal space and I post this stuff about him and he doesn't know it. You guys think he should know how I feel and should know about my cursed gift. He (kinda) does know how I feel. I may have been vague but he knows things about things. He knows I think he's beautiful inside and out. He knows I think he's brilliant. He knows I want to meet him. He knows I want to get to know him better. I have already told him all these things. It wouldn't surprise me if he knew more than what I think. Especially after last weeks incident. I'd be willing to bet he's got some crazy intuition or something. As far as telling him more of what I "feel"....What the hell am I suppose to tell him? What the hell would I say? You can't just tell someone you don't know all this. What is he suppose to do with that kind of information. How does one respond to something like that? I just can't do that to him. He has enough going on without me adding to it. I'll tell you what. I will find a way to tell him about my cursed gift but that's as far as I'm willing to go at this point. Unless he asks of course. I will not lie to him but I don't want to boggle his mind with my metaphysical mumbo. And NO, I'm not afraid he can't handle it. I'm more afraid I can't handle it.......

I don't know where I'm going but I'll be heading west. I'm taking my kite and board, my ski's, and scuba gear. Before you all say, your not suppose to do any of that alone. I know this and I'm doing it anyway so save your breath. The worse that could happen is I become shark bait. I'm ok with that. If the last thing I hear is the ocean calling, I'll die where I'm meant to be......

I plan on addressing all my demons and all that keeps me up at night. I'm going to try to post something on here daily so you can read through my struggles. I'm not sure what all is going to come up. By the time I make it back home I hope to have found peace and put the demons to rest. This will be a trip of personal reflection. Nope, I'm not traditional, nor conventional but loyalty runs through my veins like a river.........

People hide the wounds that you cannot see

Beneath shallowness and cruelty

Hard barriers to stop you getting in

It's safer not to risk pain again

Those walls get built and you don't even know

It seems safe inside but they don't let you grow

They close out the joy as well as the pain

Would you give up the sunshine to get rid of the rain?

They form a prison and keep you inside

Solitary confinement for the real you to hide

Inside this prison you shrivel and bleed

Until one day it's more painful than breaking free

Then demolishing of the walls has to start

And you begin to make the journey to your heart